My husband was raised Catholic. I was raised “just Christian”. But from the earliest age I had a growing love for the Catholic Church. At the time of our wedding, I had not yet converted, & my husband was an ex-catholic protestant. The day before our wedding I had the thought that we were supposed to be married by a priest. I brought this up to my husband, & he said it didn’t apply to him because he wasn’t Catholic.
Before we married, we discussed religion. I grew up with an atheistic father. My mom is Christian, & I saw over the years how miserable she was that my dad was not a Christian. I always said to myself that I would never, ever put myself in that situation, & that I would never marry someone that wasn’t Christian.
We married in a protestant Church, & then two years later we had our marriage convalidated when I joined the Catholic Church. My husband briefly returned to the Church at that time as well.
One night, about three years after we had married, I prayed to Jesus about something that I was concerned about. Ever since I was ten I had a desire to become a nun. I didn’t know if it was a calling, or just my desire. I prayed about it (not by any means the first time, of course) & asked God if I had made a mistake by getting married. That night I had a dream where Jesus told me that I was to be there for my husband, my husband was to be there for me, and that I was to help lead him to God.
When I woke I was confused about that last part. Lead him to God? Before we married he told me he was a Christian. And then at the time of that prayer he was Catholic. I didn’t yet understand.
Now I do. Unfortunately, it appears that since at least a year ago, he’s dumped Christianity all together. Science is his religion. He fills his brain with atheistic things like skeptic magazines. Even after I’ve repeatedly asked him not to. I told him to absolutely not read Dawkins/Hitchens. He still reads them through other sources.
I have conversations with him, & in every way he puts up a wall, always using so-called evidence and theories against God. For him, there is always an argument or way out from God. I’ve even discussed string theory & dimensions with him, saying that it may very well lead to the acknowledgment of God within science. It doesn’t matter to him.
He told me he doesn’t feel a need for God, & that he feels quite liberated. He says these things, mind you, breathing the very air that God has created. I’ve spoken to him more than a few times about this, & I asked what it would take for him to believe in God. According to him, not even a near death experience! He said the brain is complex. He thinks it’s a hallucination or something. Again, a “way out”.
He said the only way he would believe in God is if God Himself appeared to him while fully awake & in the presence of witnesses that see the same thing. I’ve even discussed spiritual things that have happened to me in the world in real life, but it’s not good enough.
As much as it grieves me that my husband denies God, there are more issues. As if that wasn’t enough! Because he doesn’t acknowledge anything spiritual, he doesn’t believe I have a soul! First he doesn’t acknowledge the Trinity. I strive to become less and less, & God to become all that people see in me. But my husband has denied God. And he denies my soul. He denies everything about me. Except my personality. That, he says, is a person: their brain, their personality. Bah.
I married him because I loved him for the person he was. But he’s not the same. Or he’s not who I thought he was. I thought I married a Christian. He’s no longer who I thought I married. He’s embraced not only agnosticism (nearly atheism), & he also floods our lives with his dirty political shows, embracing much liberalism.
I am at a loss to know how I can help him outside of prayer. He actually said our conversations help him to get his thoughts in order (practice) so that he can more easily state his agnostic position if it ever comes up in conversation with others.
I understand now the dream I had. I have considered being a homemaker wife a vocation. And it seems that even before I knew, Jesus knew that my husband would reject him. And so I do as Jesus says, to be there for him & to help lead him to God. Problem is, I’m out of ideas (outside of prayer) about how to do that. My husband has already said there’s nothing I can do. I feel I’ve been deceived. I never, never wanted to be in a situation like this.
How I wish for him to be filled with the Holy Spirit (it would change his demeanor, too) & for him to want to worship God together, pray together, read the Bible together. But no. At present, I don’t feel a Christ-likeness to his being like it can be felt from all Christians. I’m very sensitive to people around me, & I can feel that he’s not Christian, just as he says he’s not. There is a great emptiness.
I thank those who have read through this entire post. For those who have, I ask, what do I do?