Husband Raised His Hand To Me


#1

This is my first post under an anonymous ID. I’m an author and run a magazine and don’t want my readers to stumble across this. However, I trust the people at Catholic Answers and have gotten great advice.

My husband and I have had many problems over the past several years. He detatched from us years ago, he’s always angry, he struggled with porn - i don’t even know if he stopped - I just stopped asking because it makes him mad, he hates that I’m Catholic and love my faith, he blames the faith for our problems, I’m the root of all our money problems. I even begged him to take it over. I said, “Since I am awful at the finances (at least in his eyes) I’d prefer you to take it over. This way I can’t mess up.” He hasn’t done it yet. So Im still paying bills because if I don’t ( and actually take a stand) then I let them get delinquint. Which will prove his point to himself that I’m irresponsible.
He now has a separate checking account and refuses to get a joint one. We had one but when he lost his job, my income wasn’t enough to sustain it. He’s now working again but refuses to get a joint account because I “let the joint one lapse to be spiteful”. : confused:

He’s angry with me because I refuse birth control. He won’t have relations with out it - so I am now responsible for destroying that aspect of the marraige. I offered NFP- but he refuses. We have 3 children, 2 with chronic medical conditions and he doesn’t want any more kids.

But this is all background. What I’m writing about is something that freaked me out. How far is too far? Last week he raised his hand as if he were going to hit me. He did it twice in 10 minutes. I wish I could tell you what I did or what the argument was about but I can’t remember.
He raised his hand to me only once before but we were both responsible for that. I pushed him too far. This time,though I don’t know what the trigger was other than we were arguing.

I’ve read about abusive situations and he hasn’t actually ever hit me. The emotional stuff I’ve been dealing with - I’ve accepted the cross. It’s not easy and I pray for him. However, I vowed that day that if he ever does hit me, I’m taking the kids and we are out of there. Or has he already gone too far? Talking to him is like talking to the wall. I even get “I’ll try harder” but his attitude towards me is always the same. He often puts me down in front of the kids but they’re getting older and wiser now and they’re seeing how he fights. There are times when my oldest sees the way he talks to me and I have to pull her aside later and tell her to never, ever, ever let a boyfriend talk to you this way. This is not okay. I don’t want her accepting this and landing herself in the same situation as I am.

At my witts end :slight_smile:


#2

Whether or not you tell your oldest daughter that what her father is doing isn’t right, there’s a good chance she will repeat your history. She’s absorbed the lessons before you started warning her, and actions speak louder than words. Her mom has taken abuse and not stood up for herself. It’s a powerful message.

Your husband threatened to hit you. Something stopped him. But he was threatening to hit you.

You are in an antagonistic marriage. Abuse is a possibility. I cannot advise you to leave, but I can tell you honestly that if my husband ever raised his hand to me as if to hit me, he would be out of the house that day. And he’d have to get some serious counseling to even begin to talk to me.


#3

[quote="1glad1, post:1, topic:242163"]
This is my first post under an anonymous ID. I'm an author and run a magazine and don't want my readers to stumble across this. However, I trust the people at Catholic Answers and have gotten great advice.

My husband and I have had many problems over the past several years. He detatched from us years ago, he's always angry, he struggled with porn - i don't even know if he stopped - I just stopped asking because it makes him mad, he hates that I'm Catholic and love my faith, he blames the faith for our problems, I'm the root of all our money problems. I even begged him to take it over. I said, "Since I am awful at the finances (at least in his eyes) I'd prefer you to take it over. This way I can't mess up." He hasn't done it yet. So Im still paying bills because if I don't ( and actually take a stand) then I let them get delinquint. Which will prove his point to himself that I'm irresponsible.
He now has a separate checking account and refuses to get a joint one. We had one but when he lost his job, my income wasn't enough to sustain it. He's now working again but refuses to get a joint account because I "let the joint one lapse to be spiteful". : confused:

He's angry with me because I refuse birth control. He won't have relations with out it - so I am now responsible for destroying that aspect of the marraige. I offered NFP- but he refuses. We have 3 children, 2 with chronic medical conditions and he doesn't want any more kids.

But this is all background. What I'm writing about is something that freaked me out. How far is too far? Last week he raised his hand as if he were going to hit me. He did it twice in 10 minutes. I wish I could tell you what I did or what the argument was about but I can't remember.
He raised his hand to me only once before but we were both responsible for that. I pushed him too far. This time,though I don't know what the trigger was other than we were arguing.

I've read about abusive situations and he hasn't actually ever hit me. The emotional stuff I've been dealing with - I've accepted the cross. It's not easy and I pray for him. However, I vowed that day that if he ever does hit me, I'm taking the kids and we are out of there. Or has he already gone too far? Talking to him is like talking to the wall. I even get "I'll try harder" but his attitude towards me is always the same. He often puts me down in front of the kids but they're getting older and wiser now and they're seeing how he fights. There are times when my oldest sees the way he talks to me and I have to pull her aside later and tell her to never, ever, ever let a boyfriend talk to you this way. This is not okay. I don't want her accepting this and landing herself in the same situation as I am.

At my witts end :)

[/quote]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hate to say this, but there're two sides to each story, and we have only heard yours. That said, it is never, never right for your husband to raise his hand to you. This is a danger sign, and you need to protect yourself. To me, I don't think you should wait until he actually does hit you physically. You need to do something about it now. I would recommend talking to a priest or a marriage counselor. It's always a difficult situation when children are involved, but you need to be very mindful about your own safety and the safety of your children.


#4

I wish I knew his side of the story. I've asked several times what I have done or what I can do. I've asked him why there was this big change toward me. He is not Catholic and constantly says he "hates catholics". After 2 of my kids got sick, I became more devoted to my faith. The more devoted to God I am the more upset he is. As a effort to compromise, I stopped going to daily mass ( he hated that I did that. "There's no need to go every day." ) I think my turn toward God was part of this problem. He's also very mad that I won't do birth control . That I will not compromise on. He's probably mad that I was a stay at home mom when 2 of the 3 kids were sick. They still have their issues, but are stable now - so now I'm working. These are all things that he brought up in fights, so I assume they are part of his side of the story.


#5

Definitely run this by a priest. Make an appointment with one, perhaps one you are familiar with. See what your options are for a church anullment. Get away from him. It could get worse if it’s not getting better. Don’t put yourself or your children in harm’s way. This isn’t love between spouses. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I was in an abusive situation a long time ago. I’m single now and loving it. I offer the occasional bout with lonliness to Our Lord.:wink:
God bless you and I will pray for you.


#6

Real Juliane

I know and what you posted makes sense.


#7

Thank you for your prayers :)


#8

I can so relate. When I told my husband I was going to Mass 2 more times a week than Sunday, during Lent, his eyes got narrower and he said, “Why?” in a tone that meant, “You are a total religious FREAK!” :frowning:

Would your husband agree to marriage counseling?


#9

[quote="1glad1, post:1, topic:242163"]
This is my first post under an anonymous ID. I'm an author and run a magazine and don't want my readers to stumble across this. However, I trust the people at Catholic Answers and have gotten great advice.

My husband and I have had many problems over the past several years. He detatched from us years ago, he's always angry, he struggled with porn - i don't even know if he stopped - I just stopped asking because it makes him mad, he hates that I'm Catholic and love my faith, he blames the faith for our problems, I'm the root of all our money problems. I even begged him to take it over. I said, "Since I am awful at the finances (at least in his eyes) I'd prefer you to take it over. This way I can't mess up." He hasn't done it yet. So Im still paying bills because if I don't ( and actually take a stand) then I let them get delinquint. Which will prove his point to himself that I'm irresponsible.
He now has a separate checking account and refuses to get a joint one. We had one but when he lost his job, my income wasn't enough to sustain it. He's now working again but refuses to get a joint account because I "let the joint one lapse to be spiteful". : confused:

He's angry with me because I refuse birth control. He won't have relations with out it - so I am now responsible for destroying that aspect of the marraige. I offered NFP- but he refuses. We have 3 children, 2 with chronic medical conditions and he doesn't want any more kids.

But this is all background. What I'm writing about is something that freaked me out. How far is too far? Last week he raised his hand as if he were going to hit me. He did it twice in 10 minutes. I wish I could tell you what I did or what the argument was about but I can't remember.
He raised his hand to me only once before but we were both responsible for that. I pushed him too far. This time,though I don't know what the trigger was other than we were arguing.

I've read about abusive situations and he hasn't actually ever hit me. The emotional stuff I've been dealing with - I've accepted the cross. It's not easy and I pray for him. However, I vowed that day that if he ever does hit me, I'm taking the kids and we are out of there. Or has he already gone too far? Talking to him is like talking to the wall. I even get "I'll try harder" but his attitude towards me is always the same. He often puts me down in front of the kids but they're getting older and wiser now and they're seeing how he fights. There are times when my oldest sees the way he talks to me and I have to pull her aside later and tell her to never, ever, ever let a boyfriend talk to you this way. This is not okay. I don't want her accepting this and landing herself in the same situation as I am.

At my witts end :)

[/quote]

My two cents, which you may do with what you will:

1) get AWAY from him until he agrees to see a priest or mental health professional about his anger and abusive behavior
2) take your child with you if you leave
3) see a priest for direction
4) PRAY for him and for yourself

God bless you!


#10

*** IMHO, I agree with Cecilia. If you wait hoping that he will not hit you (&/or kids), he might just become totally out of control.
Whatever you do, stop pushing for a joint account. This way whatever you have is your's & he can't touch it. One less way he can control you.
Do you have family that can help you? He is trying to isolate you from your Faith. Is he doing the same w/ friends & family?
I sympathize with your situation as I was in similar one many years ago. Finally, I left.
I am praying hard for you!! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk/vent.

      ***

*** Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

St. Rita Prayer
Holy Patroness of those in need, Saint Rita, you were humble, pure and patient. Your pleadings with your divine Spouse are irresistible, so please obtain for me from our risen Jesus the request I make of you: ( keep this dear lady and her children safe). Be kind to me for the greater glory of God, and I shall honor you and sing your praises forever. Glorious Saint Rita, you miraculously participated in the sorrowful passion of our Lord Jesus Christ. Obtain for me now the grace to suffer with resignation the troubles of this life, and protect me in all my needs.
Amen.

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

(Safety of dear woman & children.)

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.
Amen.

Prayers for the intercession of St. Lydwine, Servant of God Fr. Nelson Baker and Edward the Confessor as well.
Prayers will continue whether able to post or not. ***


#11

Every time I ask him about counseling, he says no. I was seeing one on my own until I lost my insurance. I'm working again now and I have access to counseling sessions through my work. I'llbe signing up soon:)

He doesn't see the point of going to a marriage counselor to solve the problems. I wish he would.


#12

Thank you Sidhe54! I love prayers :) I think you're right about the joint acct. It's probably better to have the individual acct now. I was hoping hard that by reopening a joint acct it would be symbolic of things getting better in the relationship. on a separate note,. I tried for a date night the other day and he didn't go for it.


#13

Is your husband a non-Christian?


#14

Makes sense Cecelia. Intellectually I know this. I think it's the fear of change that is holding me back. That and I don't want to break God's law .


#15

BarbKW - he's a Christian - He's Baptist - but hasn't been to his church in a few years.


#16

[quote="1glad1, post:15, topic:242163"]
BarbKW - he's a Christian - He's Baptist - but hasn't been to his church in a few years.

[/quote]

I wonder if it would help his attitude and behavior if he'd get back to attending regular services.


#17

Please talk to your priest about this. Also seek an attorney, if you can about your options in case he does something drastic. You got to do so now, to protect yourself and your children. I was in a mentally abusive marriage, and was nearly 8 months pregnant when he left me and took my two kids. Thankfully, I got a good lawyer who got my kids back quickly. Unfortunately, my kids are still affected by this-doing the very best I can. I also have a middle child with autism-and no family outside of the friends and air force family (I'm in the reserves and work on orders often-times). I was frightened-I surely hope you have your family there for you-you will need them if the other shoe falls. I think too you need to think about where you are going to stay-if he ever threatens you again, call the police-you may not get a second chance (I don't mean to scare you but you need to think of the worse case scenerios)-I am sure God knows how hard you are trying. Everyone deserves to feel safe-and something has to be done now, usually things tend to escalate and get worse. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers-take action now-do your research so you have a place to go, if needed. Hugs-:hug3:


#18

I will pray for you.
Remember that you have the right to feel safe. You should never tolerate violent behaviour from your husband.
You are in my prayers :thumbsup:


#19

From what you wrote you already are in a abusive relationship. He demeans you, he degrades you, he blames everything on you; that is all part of being with a batterer. Are you isolated from your friends and family as well? You don’t need to wait for the hitting to confirm what you suspect trust me. That old saying sticks & stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me…I don’t buy it.

Verbal & emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse…that rapes people of their God given dignity & respect. I hope while you are in counseling you are discussing this and looking at options.

Also,if this is not good enough for your daughter why in the world is it good enough for you? Don’t you have an obligation to take care of yourself? If he is not willing to work to save the marriage…then there is nothing to save.

B/T/W and you probably already know this but if you are Catholic and he is not and you did not get married in the Catholic Church your marriage is invalid anyway…in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

I wish you well and I do hope that everything turns out good for you, but that is up to you. From what you described you have a good career, but even highly intelligent women get into abusive relationships. I don’t think it’s wrong to leave, someone has to end the cycle of abuse.
I


#20

That’s awful that you have to go through that. I think family counseling/therapy will be the best way to handle it, but if he’s beating you then I suggest calling the police. You are in my prayers. But if even if he’s not Catholic, is he from a Christian denomination? If so I suggest this Bible verse…

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the church, and delivered himself up for it:” - Ephesians 5:25

God bless,

David


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