Husband trying to reconcile.. she does not trust


#1

My friend's husband has been trying to reconcile with her.. she is however, not able to trust him not matter what, because during their marriage, he was constantly lying to her for everything.. he is the kind who will lie without any conscience if he feels he will get his way by doing that. Once he has got his way for something, he will go back on his word, shamelessly and has in fact said that in front of their friends.. she is worried that this might be just another instance of him lying to get back with her and then once they are back and married, he will be back to his old ways and she will be left feeling cheated all over again..
he was emotionally abusive (constantly berating her for everything everyday) and would be constantly running after other girls (whoever would give him the time of day) and was financially very irresponsible when they were married...

they have been divorced for 2 years now ..

Please let me know ur thoughts!


#2

It sounds like this relationship has run it’s course. She almost certainly should put a line in the sand and continue moving forward - without her abusive ex.


#3

It would be interesting to see what that apparently narcissistic man’s reasons for wanting to reconcile are about.

If she can’t trust him there is no point going back. When you think even their protestations of earnestness are another lie, it’s over.


#4

she thinks its because he is financially in trouble now and has also tested the other side and found that the grass is not as green as he thought it would be… its kinda like comparison shopping - he is now trying to get back with her becos he realises that he cannot get anythign better not becos he loves her…
these are her thoughts, and she has been right on the dot about him uptil now…


#5

It sounds to me like you think she should take him back. I don’t think that is being supportive of her. If a man is going to act the way he did, he will just have to live with the consequences of his action. No matter how much this man repents and seeks God’s forgiveness, after everything this poor woman has been through it is unreasonable for her to trust him again. God sees her point

CM


#6

no… i dont think she should go back to him… i was just trying to understand God’s plan in this whole thing… why a man who rejected her so completely before is now trying to get back with her? could it be God’s will in this?

how does she go about discerning HIS will in this matter?

i have seen her traumatized by the divorce and it took her a long time to get back to being the strong woman that she is…


#7

The guy you’re describing sounds like a sociopath, sociopaths are incapable of changing. Your friend should tell him to leave her alone, and get a restraining order if he won’t.


#8

[quote="JesusInMe, post:6, topic:185102"]
no.. i dont think she should go back to him.. i was just trying to understand God's plan in this whole thing... why a man who rejected her so completely before is now trying to get back with her? could it be God's will in this?

[/quote]

*Simply put, there are many people, not just men, who when they know they are losing someone they've treated poorly for years, (or when they sense that the person they've been mistreating has had enough)...they suddenly want that person back. Once they get the person back, they resume to the old ways...a vicious cycle it becomes. Many narcissists want their cake, and they want to eat it, too. They don't do well with making choices, or dealing with boundaries. They want it all and feel they are entitled to having it all. I can't speak for your friend with knowing so few details, but I'll keep her in my prayers. *


#9

I don’t know all the details either, so I won’t try to give advice, but as I was thinking about my friend whose husband just recently left her for a mistress, and my own marriage difficulties, it came to me that this kind of thing is only natural. I have sometimes thought about wanting to be freed from my spouse and finding someone new, but then I think back to the year we were dating. Everything was great! I had his full attention, and he was in pursuit of me so of course he tried to please me. Now, I have been won. The vows have been made. Sometimes after all that, it becomes easy to say, well, I’ve done the hard part, now I can just get on with living my life. And they forget all about trying to please their spouse. It’s just sort of the natural course of a fallen nature. It’s natural, too, when you’re dissatisfied with your spouse to find other more likeable people suddenly very attractive. You think, why couldn’t my spouse be like that? Resentment breeds more resentment. Words are spoken that would never have been spoken when you were dating. Over time, patience wears thin and sometimes, it ends in separation or divorce. And you pursue that other person who seems so much better. You have a great time dating them, then you get to know them better and begin to realize that they are fallen creatures too. That no one is perfect. That the real problem is you, choosing to be dissatisfied with an imperfect spouse, being unmerciful and lacking all understanding or desire to understand the other. Then you conclude that this was all a big mistake and the best thing to do is go back to your spouse. You pray and hope that she will take you back, but her trust has been broken. She is not so easily won now. She needs to test your authenticity. And she needs to do it in the context of a supportive community and spiritual direction with a wise mentor or priest who understands the nature of sin but also loves marriage. He needs to prove himself not just to her, but all the people whose trust he has broken, whose lives have been touched by his mistakes. He needs to demonstrate in deeds, not just words, and consistently over a long period of time, that he is a changed man. Then and only then would I take him back.

I don’t know this guy and I’m not necessarily defending him. But I think I can see where he is coming from. I can imagine myself in his shoes.


#10

Or he could be the "cheaper to keep her" kind. I've seen it at work. It's a disaster. They only want what they can't have. They beat someone down to a pulp, look at the wreckage of a human being they created. They want out. The person pulls herself/himself out of the pit, rebuilds their life, reclaims their personality and old friends and outlook. Suddenly, they become the person the jerk fell in love with long ago. And that person only wants what he/she can't have. So they want the victim again. Whatevergirl is right. It's a vicious cycle. I fell for it. The second time around it darn near destroyed me worse than the first time.

If he is coming back because he loves money, that's not enough. He'd have to come back because he loves her. But that kind really only loves themself.

She lets him in the door without long-term proof on his part that he is humble, sorry, willing to make amends,she's going to be sorry.

You know they're really sorry when there is NOTHING they won't do to fix what they destroyed. But she probably won't get that degree of contrition. Usually they start coming up with lists of what you have to do "in order to make this work."

She's the forbidden fruit again. If he gets her back, he won't want her anymore.


#11

In the classic words of Gloria Gaynor:

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you’re back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I’d known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble?
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I’m saving all my loving
for someone who’s loving me


#12

God’s will is that we get to heaven and help others get there as well.

I will take on face value that everything you said is 100% accurate. That being the case, it was likely not on God’s will for her to ever date this man, let alone marry him. We have free will and it seems that more times than not we let romance blind us from what God’s perfect will is.


#13

This is a beautiful response, kage. I have often been tongue tied with friends who are in similiar situations, not knowing exactly how to put this…your words here are perfect.


#14

this is exactly what she feels like now… she was actually completely broken when he left her and pleaded with him to come back and she would do everything for him exactly the way he wanted it to be… and all he wanted was that she should give him all the money that she had saved up… even his father said the same thing when she tried to talk to him about it…
i personally dont think this man really loves her as he doesnt seem capable of loving anyone but himself… but just wanted to see what the opinion of the more experienced people on this forum would be before i opened my mouth in front of her…


#15

I would recommend counseling and also talking to her priest about the possibility of an annulment. She also needs to keep in mind that she needs to protect herself from any further emotional abuse. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't even need to discuss the subject with her ex at all.


#16

I think your first role here is to pray for him and for her.

Someone else on the group responded with an answer about God’s Will being for each of us to get to heaven and to help others on their way. For the woman, this relates directly to her vocation as a wife.

If she is still married, I am not considering divorce here, meaning if she has not had her marriage annulled, then her vocation has not changed, and her duty and responsibility in her vocation or marriage are still in place, and have not changed, though her legal status may have changed.

God is not going to be too concerned with her legal status when she arrives at heavens gate. It is sort of like that recent “Buzzed Driving” TV commercial. Whether you call it marriage or not, it still is.

I would ask this woman to read the entire Book of Hosea. The shoes will be on different feet between Hosea and his wife Gomer, but the lesson may still be relevant. Anyway, I would suggest reading this, praying about it, and reading it again and again until she can discern for herself what the Love of God would have her do, and how He would have her do it.

Prayerfully,
Gene


#17

the world’s response to a difficult marriage is to say “honey, you don’t need him! drop him, and move on”.

same with an impossible spouse.

but what does God say about marriage, and divorce? both of these people need God’s hand, perspective, and grace in their lives. a marriage not built on the Lord is no marriage at all. but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t hope, that God can not redeem that couple, or that God wishes for the two to divorce and be “happy” going their seperate ways.

Malachi 2:13-16 has much to say on this.

it’s not a popular point of view. but it is scriptural, and possible, as with God all things are possible.

this husband needs to repent of his terrible behavior, get to know the Lord, submit to Him, and return to his wife, to respect and love her as he should have, with Christ as the foundation of their marriage. it certainly won’t work without that change of heart and nature, but that too is possible.


#18

I wonder, is the couple in question Catholic?


#19

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People who write in telling some woman she needs to be a with a man who is a serial cheat, and a liar who is abusive to her and tell her that somehow it is her goal to stay married to him to get him to heaven (when he apparently has no desire to actually do any of the work to live virtuously and get there himself under his own actions) are NOT helping!

In fact, yours is the kind of advice that kept me feeling I had to stay with a man who threatened my life, who drove me to the pit of despair and I hung in there with some sense of obligation to him as he was destroying me.

Maybe you'd like to move in with him and help him save his soul. Do not tell this woman whose husband left her and he only wants to come back because it will save him money (as he laughs at her gullibility behind her back to acquaintances) that she has any obligation to a vow he never kept.

Yes, with God all things are possible. But even God is limited by someone's free will. And these kind of "spouses" use their free will to destroy the one person they are supposed to love above everything.


#20

Liberanosamalo ~

i'm not saying it would be a good idea for the two to reconcile as is. obviously in their current state, especially his, the attempt at reconciliation and normalcy would probably fail. she would wind up more crushed and drained, and he would see nothing wrong with his destructive, hurtful bevavior.

what needs to happen is for the husband to make a turn-around, with God's help. this may or may not happen. but writing from a Christian perspective, we should hope that it would, and pray and consider the situation with that hope and standard in mind.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.