husband's alcoholism and anger problems


#1

please pray for my husband and his proboblems. He drinks and then blows up at little things. this happened tuesday night and he told me to get out he wanted a divorce (because he told me he wanted soup that night to eat and then was mad when I made it for him before he came home since he wanted something different by the time he got home). So, it was this huge thing and then yesterday morning as usual he told me to forget what he said. He called me in the morning and told me he wanted to work it out. We moved and this is a new place so let me give you a recap of what I did with my day

7:30 he left, our son woke up at 8. I fed him and cleaned up - it was about 8:30. I called around until after 10 about daycares in the area since i Have to start work next week and then I took a shower at a little after 10 and gave our son a bath (done after 11 with all the shower and dressing stuff) and then made lunch and eat and clean, so it’s 12:30 and we’re done with lunch and it takes half an hour to get our son down, so it’s 1. I clean up, 1:30 get out the laundry to be ironed, and son waked up at 2:00 already. I try to iron but it takes me till 3 b/c son it hanginng on my leg and wants me of course he’s only 2- give him a snack, and then at 3:30 begin picking up the house so it looked nice. at after 4 I take out our apartment check list and write down what’s wrong with the apartment and take it to the office so I can get our mail key and then I run to the store to get somethings my husband wanted - it’s after 5 and I have to stop at the office one more time for laundry card and then it’s about 5:40, clean up the kitchen a little and put dinner on - husband is home at after 6 a little.

I don’t say this to bore you, but to tell you that I Had a full day and I didn’t get the blinds hung up or the bathroom a clean over and dinner still took 10 minutes after my husband came home to be done (and he didn’t like dinner)- so threfore, I am a horrible wife and once again he wants a divorce. He says I “failed” the test (you know, when he called me in the morning to tell me he wanted to try to work out our marriage was a trick to see the progress I would make during the day and I didn’t get the blinds up and dinner (to his tastebud liking) wasn’t ready the second he came in, so I failed.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be a single mom and i do love my husband. I want him to be a better person. I want things to work out. Can you please pray? He wants me and our son out early next month (and I will not be starting my new job then after all b/c I will be moving in with my parents and can’t commute from there. it’s 1.5 hours away. and then i do not have a great degree or job so I will have to depend on my parents for years and have to go back to school which is hard on them. both mom and dad have health issues. I don’t know what happend to my husband over the years. I miss who he was. Please pray for us. I don’t want my son to be fatherless.


#2

There is nothing you can do to change your husband. But you have all the power in the world to change yourself. If he is alcoholic time to go to alanon and counciling. This is not healthy and if you want healthy then you need to change what you can and this can be worked out with a catholic therapist. You did not say if he was violent but if he is you need to consider your childs safety. It is funny how we will as mothers move the world for our children even when we can’t pick up a needle for ourselves.


#3

I suspect that your husbands behavior is either due to guilt or a low feeling of self worth. If it is guilt he needs love, compassion and forgiveness. If it is a feeling of low self worth, new studies have shown that many men (and I imagine women) who belittle their partners do so, that the partners feel unworthy of anything better.

If he has you in this type of relationship, be prepared for a roller coaster ride. He may try to bring you back and kick you out again. If he asks for you back tell him the two of you need to speak to a priest or counselor first. You can’t let yourself be bullied. The more successful he is the more it will reinforce the behavior. It sound to me like he is sick but, we only have your side of the story. There really could be alot of things going on.

Good Luck, you have my prayers


#4

www.retrouvaille.org


#5

#6

You poor soul…please realize that it is not your fault. Maybe see about joining Alanon. You need support so you can stay strong to see your husband and your marriage through this…you, you husband and your baby are in my prayers…


#7

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Many people who read this thread will be praying for you.

I can see that you had a busy day and that you do the best you can. I am sorry that you are being yo-yo’ed like this.


#8

I was in a similar marriage - for 17 years and four children - and finally left. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but definitely the best. Life is so much better now that I am not walking on eggshells, no longer putting everything into catering to the needs of someone who will never be satisfied.

I hope you realize that this is not your fault. You have been been carrying more than your share for years now probably. I know it is scary to face the thought of being a single mom and to give up on all of the hopes and dreams that you had for your husband. Sometimes that really is what is best though.

I would talk to your priest. Call and ask for an appointment for some pastoral counseling. You might also want to take a look at this information page from the USCCB on Catholic teaching on marriage and domestic violence. foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398729

I would also recommend getting honest with your parents about what has been going on in your marriage, with your hhusband’s alcoholism and anger problem. You are going to need to face some scary realities and make some big changes if you don’t want to be trapped in a downward spiral. There is hope, but you are going to need to ask for help and be honest about your situation if you want to make changes in your life.

I’ll be praying for you. I know what it is like, and it is not easy.


#9

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be a single mom and i do love my husband. I want him to be a better person. I want things to work out. Can you please pray? He wants me and our son out early next month (and I will not be starting my new job then after all b/c I will be moving in with my parents and can’t commute from there. it’s 1.5 hours away. and then i do not have a great degree or job so I will have to depend on my parents for years and have to go back to school which is hard on them. both mom and dad have health issues. I don’t know what happend to my husband over the years. I miss who he was. Please pray for us. I don’t want my son to be fatherless.

No, you don’t love him. You love your ideal of him. Or the man he used to be. Or the man you thought he was, but he never was.

I am wincing at reading your post. You have just given us a minute by minute detail of your day to justify why you didn’t have his orders completed. He is making you jump through hoops and then telling you afterward how you failed. He is drinking and hostile. He is wearing you down to where you are defensive and have a pre-thought out alibi for everything so that you can defend yourself from his verbal abuse even before it begins. Because you expect it.

Go to Al-Anon. Find out that his drinking is not your fault.

Prepare a life without him. Whether it ends now, or ends later, he’s not working on it. The question is, how much of yourself will be left before he finally kicks you to the curb for good.

And to those who say she’s just telling us her side… yeah. Sometimes that’s all you need. This kind of man is a dime a dozen. And I can tell you before she does the stuff he yells at her and how he’s happy she’s isolated from her family because now he has total control over her self image without those pesky people interfering and bolstering her against his abuse.

The kind of man who lays tests (traps) and threatens a young mother with homelessness for sport is beneath contempt.

I’d tell you not to unpack and get out now. But I’ll pray for you. Sometimes miracles happen. But in certain kinds of cases, you can have a better outcome praying for the Hoover Dam to move to Kansas.

Sweetie, don’t be afraid of being a single mom. It’s preferable to being driven mad by a cruel man. He makes you do everything and all he does is tell you what a failure you are. You are not a failure.

There is still time to rebuild your life. What he is giving you is not God’s plan for marriage. Call your local SafePlace and get a plan for leaving in case you have to have one immediately.


#10

Praying for you!


#11

Praying for you, but would also like to state that I think you are morally obligated to protect your son. Watching an abusive father is the best way to turn him into an abuser, but also to break his spirit and make him feel worthless. No child deserves that. And what if your husband gets angry enough one of these times to really injure or even kill one or both of you? I think leaving him may be your only choice. Perhaps that will motivate him to change. Sometimes alcoholics have to lose everything before they realize that they have to change their behavior.


#12

Get out of this marriage NOW. This man is not suited to be a good husband. He is the one who has failed. A man should NEVER tell his wife to get out and that he wants a divorce. Is this what you want your son to see as he grows up?
Sure it will be hard to do. But I would bet that your parents would be happy to help you out until you get back on your feet. Also, your husband will have to pay child support so that will help you out.
You need someone who is a partner, not someone who “tests” you on stupid little s***. Get an idea of your own humanity and realize that you are worth more than this.
Also, there are lots of charities and agencies that will help you care for your son while you train for a new career.
Look at this as a beginning, not an end.


#13

If your husband is an alcoholic, he needs AA. Unfortunately, you can’t directly get him to go, he has to decide.

His years of sickness has made you sick. You react differently than a “normal” person would in a similar situation. In the same way, you need help, but no one can make you get it. You have to go to an Alanon meeting. Go there, talk to some people (you’ll be relieved that they’re almost all women), and start getting better.

No one can make him go get help. No one can make you go get help. You each have to decide for yourselves. God bless you. My wife and I (recovering alcoholics with more than 40 sober years between us) will be praying for you.


#14

Excellent post and good advice. One who has been there knows what is going on here. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that affects everyone in the family. Alanon will help, but just know that you are not responsible for his drinking and you cannot make him stop. All of us here are praying for you to have the strength to do what is best for you and for your precious son. God bless.


#15

I’ll second that. As a recovering alchoholic myself I have seen many who came to the AA program because their spouses had joined Al-Anon If nothing else he you will see its not your fault and there really is nothing you can do about it sort of leaving him.


#16

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