I need some advice here. Recently, my husband received a magazine in the mail. Since the magazine was in a wrapper that hid the cover, I became suspicious. I opened it and saw it was an issue of Playboy. I threw it away, and I never said anything about it to him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and thought that maybe he had received an offer for one free issue, and, in a moment of weakness, he ordered a free issue. I’m not condoning this at all, but I was hoping this was a one time thing and then it would be over. Well today I got the credit card bill. The credit card is in his name only, I have a different card that is in my name only. Since I take care of the finances, I opened the bill, and saw that there was a charge to Playboy for a year’s subscription. I was disappointed that my husband would do such a thing, and I thought it was incredibly stupid that he charged it to his credit card, since he knows that I pay the credit card bill every month and that I would see this. Well, I called the number on the credit card statement and cancelled the subscription. I will talk to him when he arrives home later. Was I right in going ahead in cancelling the subscription?? I personally felt I had the right to do so because I do not allow garbage like that to come into my home. Just as a background, my husband is not Catholic, or very spiritual at all. But I am hoping and praying for his conversion. Any advice??
I can sympathize with you, but I would have discussed it first, before cancelling. But, what’s done is done…we don’t have rewind buttons in life. Would be nice, though, no?
He’s an adult…and he might feel the need to hide things from you, if he is ordering things, and sneaking to do so. All that aside, he shouldn’t be reading it. My husband looked at playboy for a few years…it was something that we both shared, sad to say, prior to really diving deeper into our Catholic faiths. It was part of our sex lives, I guess? Now, if he were to look at smut like that, I would be angry, since we are both devoted to Christ…and our faith.
I would talk this over with him, and explain that you cancelled it out of anger, but that you’re mainly angry because he snuck to do this behind your back. That’s probably the part you’re most upset with, right? Also–even if he is not Catholic, pleasing God is what we should strive for, and maybe couching the subject in that way, will bring a desire to maybe start looking into the faith. Without God, simply put, vices are hard to give up for another person–even if we believe in our hearts that our wives/husbands are enough. I can say that my marriage keeps me pure, but it’s really my love for God, and wanting to love my husband because he is a gift from God, is what keeps me honest and pure for my marriage. Does that make sense?
I will pray for you, and your husband…that this will all work out, through God’s Divine plan.
It’s not what you want to hear, but I think you were wrong. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, but he is not your child, he is a grown man who is your husband.
You really should have brought the matter to his attention in a calm and rational manner and emphasized the reasons for you being hurt by what he did.
But now when he finds out what you did it is probably going to cause some resentment and anger on his part and the cycle will continue…
So, if you want to salvage the situation you will need to go to him and apologize for throwing it out and cancelling the subscription. Tell him that you reacted out of anger and disgust and felt hurt that he brought offensive (to you) material into a home he shares with you.
I think that you should probably have spoken with him when the first issue arrived. There is the possibility that he didn’t know that you would be offended. Believe it or not, some women aren’t.
Explain calmly what happened. Tell him why you find such magazines offensive and ask him not to get them anymore. If he isn’t a Christian he might not understand why you are offended so you need to be able to explain your position.
I wouldn’t do it, but I can’t tell you it’s wrong. I would definitely demand no porn in my marriage, though, and you have my support. And prayers. Porn is cheating. But since you were giving him the benefit of doubt, maybe you’re actually willing to talk to him and hear his side of things? I don’t know what new light it can bring but maybe it’ll tell you something. Sometimes there is an explanation. Some problems maybe.
You have a right to be concerned may I suggest you check out this information from Steve Wood at dads.org/article.asp?artId=240
Steve Wood has lots of information on this subject. Prayers for you and your husband.
Asella to be honest with you, I feel you did the right thing. I would have done the same, cancelled the subscription and probably ripped the existing magazine. Allowing that crud into your home is like allowing him to hold a gun to his head, except this gun is spiritual and it’s called mortal sin. I congratulate you Asella, God bless you for loving your husband. There’s a line drawn…this is a matter of spiritual death for your husband. Unless holy Mother Church says I’m wrong (in which case, I would have this entire posting of mine erased) I think you did a very prudent thing.
You make a very good point, on the surface. But bringing her husband to heaven should be her goal and acting like the “porn police” isn’t going to accomplish that goal as well as communicating to him WHY it is wrong.
** What about the other things he may be doing that put his eternal soul in jeopardy? She can’t physically stop him from doing something like mastubating or lusting after the hot girl on the street. He needs to be shown (through love) why his actions are wrong and offensive.**
I compare her situation to the very (unfortunately) common one of one spouse using birth control while the Catholic spouse is against it. The Catholic spouse cannot and should not throw away the pills, condoms, diaphragms etc even though they are intrinsically evil. The Catholic spouse is even permitted by the Church (and often encouraged) to still have sex with their spouse who is contracepting because sex is an important part of marriage.
They are required to voice their objections and do their best to explain the reasons why the birth control is wrong and try and change their spouse’s mind through love.
I was in that situation and it was only because of my husband’s love and patience with me (a non-Catholic at the time) that I eventually came around, stopped using the pill, learned NFP, and became a Catholic. If he had just refused to have sex with me, thrown away my pills or refused to pay for them, or bullied me in any other way it would have become a power struggle and, since we are both very stubborn, could have ended in divorce.
But because he did not interfere with my free will, we are now very happily married, both faithful Catholics, and have a beautiful baby girl who will have the benefit of being raised by two faithful, loving parents.
I hope that offers a different perspective on the issue…
Thank you for that Malia. I suppose I’m reacting based on the immediate anger I would feel if the two men in my house, namely my dad and bro were to watch that stuff on television. It upsets me because my little sister is there sometimes and I do not want her to be influenced; she’s so impressionable-- it’s so scandalous and sinful, and demeaning to women.
Oh trust me, I know exactly how you feel. And it is right to feel anger when faced with evil. It is how we react that can either bring us closer to Christ or lead us away from Him though.
you bring up a good point…
If the OP has children in the house, she must take action to prevent this smut from falling into their hands. She can tell her husband to get it delivered somewhere else if her children are old enough to go through the mail. She can insist it be kept far out of the children’s reach etc. All the while reinforcing how evil it is and discussing the consequences of it on him, the family, and the poor girls/women in the industry.
my hubby has never been into porn but I would always make comments about girls on tv or movies like “that is somebody’s daughter” or “you could have a daughter one day and I’m sure you wouldn’t want men to be lusting after her” if he looked a little to hard, lol.
Now he has a daughter and those comments really hit home!
The best argument ever, along with the link between the sex industry and the reality of prostitution-forcing gangs. Besides, it’s so demeaning and so primitive it can’t be fun. It just takes some time to realise.
Forgive my curiosity, but did he also keep the debating urge in check? I do have a problem with that and the last girl might have been pushed away by that.
Right or wrong I would have done the same thing. Several years ago I found porn sites on our computer history. I changed the password and locked my hubby off the computer for 6 months. Before we purchased the computer we discussed the issue of porn and he swore up, down, and sideways he would not look at such sites. The pre-requesite for getting th computer was if I discovered porn we would cancel our internet. Which I had every intention of doing when I found it in the history. He didn’t want me to cancel it so the only other option I accepted was changing the password.
There are some things that are non-negotiable for me -porn is one of them. I will not have porn as part of my marriage, and I will do whatever I need to to keep it out of my house.
Sleep deprived and still offering up wise advice…girlfriend, you ARE amazing!! (great post!)
But what does this do for a marriage when you treat your husband as your child. Blocking his access to the internet like he was a teenage boy can’t do much to help your marriage.
Yes, you keep him from looking at porn-at least while in the house that you both own. I don’t know if that actually helps the problem though. If he still goes outside the home and looks at porn then it is part of your marriage even if it isn’t in the house.
What I fear could happen is what happens to a lot of marriages. The man feels resentment for being treated like a child, the woman feels resentment and anger for having to act like a mother. This leads to continual cycle that eventually drives the couples apart emotionally even if they still share a house.
I had a similar problem. I found porn on my computer once. I showed my hubby but he did not claim it as his. Later, I basically caught my hubby looking at the stuff.
Yes, we argued. He was defensive and I was angry. I didn’t change the password or take the computer away. It would never have occurred to me to treat my hubby like a child despite his actions.
In the end, I knew that I couldn’t MAKE him do anything. So, I prayed. On his own, a few days later, he came to me and announced that he had a problem and wanted me to be up whenever he used the computer.
Admittedly, I was very lucky. But none of us can control another adults actions, we can only control ourselves and how we react.
At the same time, I understand how hard it is not to react emotionally to such a situation.
I agree. What Fenaro’s wife wrote shows a lot of maturity and wisdom.
The initial reaction might be to treat one’s husband like a child and block access to the internet. THe problem is that this doesn’t solve the problem. It only hides it. If the husband is sneaking around looking at porn through his office computer or the public library then the problem remains even if the wife does not know it.
Oh my… I hate to be the golden mean seeker, but I can’t resist the feeling that on the one hand shutting someone adult off the Internet or a similar action is treating him like a child and won’t (normally) accomplish anything, plus also demean him, but on the other hand decisive action is sometimes needed. Of course, porn is one thing and other mending of a person is different, but I would become very no-nonsense and principial if someone tried shutting away my coffee or alcohol or trying to limit the time I spend online or something like that. Just a reflection. Before marriage, I might be inclined seriously to wonder about the future of the relationship, already in marriage, I might become quite unhappy.
Do you have a standing agreement to open each other’s mail without permission?
I would have done the same. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I would have just gone with my gut on this one. About 2.5 years ago I found pornographic pictures on my fiance’s computer and deleted them immediately. When I approached him about it he was so ashamed and embarrassed. (Just like Adam and Eve felt when they realized they were naked.) I think he was actually glad I deleted it. Thank God that hurdle in our relationship is over; now he detests pornography.
While I sympathize with those who think you were wrong (and perhaps you were) in doing what you did, I would have been thankful to my wife for taking such action if I had ordered such a subscription.
I hope all goes well.