Husband's Female Friend Moving in? 7 Months pregnant


#1

Hi! I am in serious need of advice. A few weeks ago, a female friend of my husband (who he used to have a relationship with) posted on Facebook that she might need a place to stay for a bit while her husband undergoes AF training out of state. At the time, I thought they were planning for a short-term future event (as any rational person would do, several months ahead, as this involves international travel), and extended the offer of a stay at our place. Since then, it has been revealed that this was for the immediate future (she's coming tomorrow!) and the stay will last for 6 months.

Our marriage is really strong, so I am not concerned that he will stray with her (although she has never hidden the fact that she is sexually interested in him to this day despite her being married).

My medical history makes it very likely that this will be my only child, and I feel blessed that we were even able to conceive this time. Am I just being horribly selfish by wanting my husband to myself for the first few months of our child's life? I have a lot of guilt about not wanting her here. She's kind of a lump, never works, doesn't clean up after herself, and is incredibly awkwardly silent 90% of the time, etc. I don't like that I've had to expend a ton of energy cleaning the house and moving furniture for her (oh, she also failed to mention until this week she has NO furniture and is bringing her cat, which is NOT declawed). It's been a rough pregnancy: at 7 months, I've only put on 5 pounds total, and still get sick on an almost daily basis.

We're about to move into our new farmhouse, and it is so far from the city (and she doesn't have a car) that I know she won't leave for the delivery or ever really. This is exacerbated by the fact that both my husband and I work from home. It takes a lot of love to deal with the same person 24/7 in close quarters, but we have done it well for a long time now, and our marriage is thriving. I am not sure how adding her to the mix will change things.

I am concerned because I am seven months pregnant, and I don't want her (or anyone, if I'm being honest) here for either A). my planned home delivery of my first (and possibly only) child or B). the first three months of my child's life, which is when a lot of important familial bonding takes place. I also don't like the possibility of cat damage to my new house.

I tend to be over-kind to others, especially those I share space with. Despite being pregnant and sick, I still (despite his protests) wait on my husband hand and foot (happily, mind you), and will feel compelled to cook and clean and care for this other woman as well, which will be both physically and emotionally draining. Add her total disrespect for our faith and lifestyle in the mixture, and it's a pretty bleak picture.

All "planning" was done over facebook, in single sentences, with almost no details at any point, which has been frustrating, to say the least. After the intial offer, I didn't feel like I could retract the offer. How would you handle this situation? My husband wants to see how it goes, but I want to tell her when she gets here that she needs to find a place of her own BEFORE the baby comes. Her family is here, even if they won't let her have the cat. She has plenty of friends, and they get a military stipend for her rent during this time. Plenty of places offer short-term or month to month leases.

Am I wrong? Should I open my house to her and just deal with the negative feelings I'm having? I've prayed and prayed, but how I feel doesn't seem to be changing, and I don't know what to do.


#2

She is the wrong person, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just tell her that she can stay with you until she can find another accommodation within the week. After that your husband has to put her bags out of the front door, it is his job.


#3

You absolutely are not wrong. You absolutely have the right to recind the offer. This is a very, very special time in your life and it is quite essential for you and your husband to bond after your baby is born as a family unit. She has family in the area, she can find someplace to stay or stay in a hotel with the stipend she’s been given until she can find a more permanent though temporary place to stay. I’m taking it she followed her husband to where you are at for his AF training? There is nothing that says she must do that. And I would certainly wonder WHY her family is not putting her up for the duration of the training.


#4

The thing is, she has very little motivation, and I don’t know how likely it is that she’ll find a place in a month, let alone a week. I don’t want to just toss her to the curb, that seems very selfish and cold. :frowning:


#5

[quote="LizzieAngel, post:1, topic:279312"]
Hi! I am in serious need of advice. A few weeks ago, a female friend of my husband (who he used to have a relationship with) posted on Facebook that she might need a place to stay for a bit while her husband undergoes AF training out of state. At the time, I thought they were planning for a short-term future event (as any rational person would do, several months ahead, as this involves international travel), and extended the offer of a stay at our place. Since then, it has been revealed that this was for the immediate future (she's coming tomorrow!) and the stay will last for 6 months.

Our marriage is really strong, so I am not concerned that he will stray with her (although she has never hidden the fact that she is sexually interested in him to this day despite her being married).

My medical history makes it very likely that this will be my only child, and I feel blessed that we were even able to conceive this time. Am I just being horribly selfish by wanting my husband to myself for the first few months of our child's life? I have a lot of guilt about not wanting her here. She's kind of a lump, never works, doesn't clean up after herself, and is incredibly awkwardly silent 90% of the time, etc. I don't like that I've had to expend a ton of energy cleaning the house and moving furniture for her (oh, she also failed to mention until this week she has NO furniture and is bringing her cat, which is NOT declawed). It's been a rough pregnancy: at 7 months, I've only put on 5 pounds total, and still get sick on an almost daily basis.

We're about to move into our new farmhouse, and it is so far from the city (and she doesn't have a car) that I know she won't leave for the delivery or ever really. This is exacerbated by the fact that both my husband and I work from home. It takes a lot of love to deal with the same person 24/7 in close quarters, but we have done it well for a long time now, and our marriage is thriving. I am not sure how adding her to the mix will change things.

I am concerned because I am seven months pregnant, and I don't want her (or anyone, if I'm being honest) here for either A). my planned home delivery of my first (and possibly only) child or B). the first three months of my child's life, which is when a lot of important familial bonding takes place. I also don't like the possibility of cat damage to my new house.

I tend to be over-kind to others, especially those I share space with. Despite being pregnant and sick, I still (despite his protests) wait on my husband hand and foot (happily, mind you), and will feel compelled to cook and clean and care for this other woman as well, which will be both physically and emotionally draining. Add her total disrespect for our faith and lifestyle in the mixture, and it's a pretty bleak picture.

All "planning" was done over facebook, in single sentences, with almost no details at any point, which has been frustrating, to say the least. After the intial offer, I didn't feel like I could retract the offer. How would you handle this situation? My husband wants to see how it goes, but I want to tell her when she gets here that she needs to find a place of her own BEFORE the baby comes. Her family is here, even if they won't let her have the cat. She has plenty of friends, and they get a military stipend for her rent during this time. Plenty of places offer short-term or month to month leases.

Am I wrong? Should I open my house to her and just deal with the negative feelings I'm having? I've prayed and prayed, but how I feel doesn't seem to be changing, and I don't know what to do.

[/quote]

Naive, naive, naive, if you let her in.
Is your house a hotel, or hostel or rent-a-house or whatever?
You are the housewife and you are the boss. Usually, 2 women do not get along in the same house unless they are students or something like that.
There is one word you should have used before but now you still may use it: NO.
What about her problem?
None of your business.


#6

You have no obligation to let this woman stay in your house for 6 mos.! Even if you said it was OK, you can always change your mind. “I am sorry, but it won’t work for us after all. You can stay for a week or 10 days until you are able to find other lodgings. Again, really sorry but it just won’t work out.” And then keep repeating that no matter what she protests.


#7

Perhaps you could write to her now and explain that you didn’t initially realize her stay was going to be quite so extended and feel it would be too much for you at present as you are having a difficult pregnancy. You could offer to put her up temporily for a week or so until she is able to find other accomodation.

Best wishes


#8

So instead, you are tossing yourself and your new family to the curb?

That seems cold, to me. This woman is a stranger, and you are going to have a baby!

:frowning:


#9

A stranger that knows a good deal when she sees one, apparently! Most military installations have temporary housing available for situations such as she finds herself in. It was her decision to follow her husband to the AF training, she wasn’t forced to do so.


#10

Just to clarify, he was stationed in Europe for the last 18 months and is undergoing some kind of nuclear training out of state. According to him ( and I don’t trust him, personally, I find him skeevy, as he left her once before for a 17-year-old), she can’t live anywhere near him during this training, which is why she’s coming to her home state while he trains.

I had a friend confirm this is not totally unusual, especially because a lot of spouse-only housing apparently won’t accept pets? We’re not military, so the rules are kind of strange to me.

I should also mention, I have a VERY hard time sticking up for myself. I was strictly raised by a Catholic nurse who basically trained me to never ask for things for myself and to never say “no” (unless I was being asked about sex, booze, or drugs, LOL), especially if someone needs help. Although I do try to assert myself, I have a problem with being overly empathetic. (This is another reason for the issue, I am very sensitive to every word and action of those I share space with). I can’t help but put myself in her shoes, and feel really bad for her.


#11

While I believe it would generally be a charitable act to extend an invitation to a family friend to stay with you during a tough time, I think if that family friend is an ex-girlfriend it could be quite damaging to your marriage and would be incredibly risky in my opinion. It sounds like your husband has a heart of gold, but even the best-intentioned people can crumble under the temptations of lust when unnecessarly confronted with the near occaison of sin on a daily basis. Your husband also needs to carefully consider if he will be giving scandal to you (his spouse) by doing this.

Overall, I think it is a very bad idea and that you are justified in your concern. A good idea, however, might be to see if there is some other family of your husband’s that this lady can stay with for a few months (maybe a sister, or his mother who might know this lady).


#12

Certainly you have no right or obligation to let this woman stay in your house. Like others have said she is the wrong person, at the wrong time, looking for the wrong thing. You and your husband and any children you are going to have are the only ones that belong in your household.

You are pregnant, and you need your own house. This lady “moving in” may cause unneeded stress and you can’t have that with a child in you! You need to rest and love the precious unborn child growing within you! I’m sure she’d understand. The advice offered here by others is great.


#13

Your friend could be correct about the cat. This woman’s husband is probably also correct in that she can not be with him during his training. BUT, she is a military spouse, she should have resources at her disposal to help her in this situation. Yes, being a military spouse is rough sometimes but she is not unique, she isn’t the first spouse to face this situation and she won’t be the last. Military spouses for the most part, are self sufficient and resourceful. Still don’t quite understand why her family won’t help her out.

A thing to consider, is the cat. How much do you know about this animal, especially with it being oversees and could it possible be a real concern for you and your pregnancy? That could be your “out” of this situation.


#14

It probably is a bad idea. You should say “no”. That being said, if it was me, I would totally let her stay and she’d be there for weeks or months before I could put her out. The last time I let a vagrant stay over she didn’t leave until the lease ran out on the apartment and I had to move! Perhaps she could help around the house while you are recovering from having your baby?


#15

I wouldn’t do it. If her husband is so unreliable-then what happens if he ditches her (again) while she is staying with you? She will never move on and then you will have someone who is attracted to your husband, broken hearted, and needy For you to take care of during the first days of your child’s life. No thank you.
Just my opinion.


#16

She’s definitely not your typical military wife (ie the opposite of self sufficient and resourceful, very dependent and unmotivated). Her family lives in the same town as us, but her dad has basically a deathly allergy to cats, so the cat couldn’t go with her there, and I guess he can’t take it to training, which makes sense. She refuses to board the cat long-term, something I can understand.

I have never met the cat, since I think it was adopted while they were at the European base. Although I am concerned that the cat may be carrying something it can give my three cats (I was shocked to find out it just comes off the plane, no quarantine period like with actual imports), the animal itself shouldn’t be a pregnancy concern. The only issue with cats is toxoplasmosis exposure (worms or worm eggs in feline fecal matter), and my husband has been diligently taking care of the litter since we found out I was expecting.

There seems to be a general consensus here. Now I just have to screw up my courage to talk with her about it.


#17

Allegra, you sound a lot like me. :slight_smile: I have had similar things happen before. Someone who needs a place ends up staying for a year or more, eating my food, etc. The woman in question herself has spent a few weekends at our previous apartment on the couch when she needed a place to stay short-term. This time, I guess, my concern is that it won’t just be affecting me, but my new family.


#18

Honestly, it should be your husband that talks to this woman. Its his former flame and friend. At the very least, you two need to project yourselves as a united front, that this was a mutual decision, so she can not come back and say you didn’t want her there because of her history with your husband.


#19

As a man and a husband, I would not like it. Personally, I’d feel very uncomfortable in the situation. Would your husband not have any issue being alone with her if you had to run to the store or something? Honestly, I have had a good friend of my wife come over one day to pick up some shrimp we were giving her and I felt VERY odd just being in the house alone with her for 5 minutes. I can’t imagine someone that I know is interested in me living in my house. I would never do anything, but I would be so paranoid all the time it would be miserable…


#20

Hi…I might be a little harsh but this is pressing a nerve for me personally. DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN STAY, LIVE AND BE A PART OF YOUR FAMILY. Sorry but you are pregnant, your husband is not being the husband I would want. This happened to me, not the exact thing but I let a fiance have his friend a woman he used to date be my wedding planner…I smelt a rat,…he left me for her. I thought I knew Peter my x-fiance, we were together for 7 years…woman can be very tempting to men and can do it in such a way, your husband can fall into a trap… Your husband is being tempted, u dont as a husband invite a woman who is not pregnant to sleep in your house with a very pregmant wife…your husband is rude to even offer this to another woman. He should be taking care of you physically mentally and in every other way. He cant have sex with you I dont think right now…hmmmmmmmmmm so another woman is available when u r asleep…sorry but it happened to me. He let her in our house every day and ended up sleeping with her …he left me for her and she was married. How dare your husband even suggest or ask or say its OK. Tell your husband to tell this woman NO, my beautiful wife is pregnant, we are sensitve right now…there are hundreds of hotels that would give her a great deal for a short term stay. Shame on your husband, a smell a rat, I dont trust this woman or your husband…DO NOT ALLOW IT…YOU ARE MARRIED ITS YOUR HOUSE AND ITS ALL ABOUT YOU HIM AND THE BABY NOT ANOTHER WOMAN…THANKYOU


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