I got married 4 months ago. I was a virgin and my husband slept with a few people before meeting me, two being ex-girlfriends. Before we married it wasn’t a big deal but since we engage in marital intimacy now I find myself thinking about it often. I wonder, has he used this position before, does he think of his exes when we have sex, did it feel the same to him with his exes, etc. Before we married my husband went into detail about his past and I think about it way too much. I often find myself depressed knowing I wasn’t his first and he shared such intimate moments with other women.
Please if you are single, whether or not you are a virgin, please save yourself for your future spouse from this moment onwards (whether that be God or marriage). I think the worst feeling in the world is knowing your spouse has been with other people. Please pray for me!
Cut her some slack people. Sin hurts…and she is hurting.
Doesn’t our faith teach us to be charitable? In this new world of social media, when people type from behind their computers, they forget that there are real people reading their comments. Oftentimes, the person on the receiving end is in anguish, and rather then try to sympathize and offer words that help, I guess it’s easier to kick a person while they’re down.
To the OP:
I totally understand. The sexual union between spouses is a sacred bond, and regardless of what the world tells us, it is designed that way by God for a purpose. In fact, one can see the shape the world is in and see how disordered and twisted society gets when sex is outside marriage. People like yourself are wounded by the carnage of this particular sin. You saved yourself and you feel cheated out of a special experience.
However, let me gently remind you that out of all the women your husband has been with, he chose you. The fact of how special you are was not lost on him. We all are sinners, although we may sin in different ways. Heck, St. Paul said he considered himself the worst of all sinners. I strongly urge you to see a good Catholic therapist to help you overcome the urge to dwell on your husband’s past. It can’t be undone, and such feelings can only build resentment. Your husband must be a wonderful man if you married him. Remember that many great saints struggled with the same sins; St. Francis of Assisi and St. Augustine. Maybe ask a few of these saints to help you.
What he engaged in previously was only prostitution. It was mutual masterbation, which is cheap, and degrading. It’s about taking, and using, and is always harmful. This is the opposite of love. It is in fact a sort of death. It endangered their immortal souls. In short it was bankrupt!
His relationship with you is loving, self sacraficing, and life giving! He has laid down his life to be with you! Out of all the women in the world…HE CHOSE YOU! He married you. He could have had hundreds of women, but he didn’t want that! More than anything else in the world…He wanted, and longed for you! and now when he wishes to express how much HE LOVES YOU, you are thinking about other women?
Please, take your heart ache to Jesus, and leave it there. Ask God to heal you, so that the next time you are with your husband, you can be with your husband! Focus instead on how to say, “I love you”, to your husband with out words.
He did choose to marry you. That mean that he must love you much more then those before. It is not any reason be jelous to someones past. The most important for you is that he hold you in his arms, and love you enough to marry you. Past is past. What counts is today, and what happen tomorrow only God know.
My husband had a child with another woman, before meeting me.
We welcomed that girl into our home as a teen, and she is a blessing. She has given us our only grandchild, so far.
It seemed so far in the past, it never really mattered that he was with someone else.
I do encourage you to talk to a priest or a counselor, you can get past this. As others have said, your husband chose and loves you.
With all due respect, when you throw it “out there” to the world you have to be prepared for the bluntness of responses and it various degrees or don’t post it to begin with.
For the OP, she needs to remember:
her husband did not keep this a secret from her
she accepted his proposal
she committed to him in the sacrament of matrimony
If she cannot help herself thinking about** his **past, she needs to speak with either a counselor or a priest. This will be a festering sore in her marriage that will lead to mistrust in other areas in their relationship. The OP needs to deal with this on her own. The husband can do nothing to change his past…but she can change her future.
First, I will pray for you to overcome your concerns and find some peace in your heart. But, secondly, please try to discuss these concerns and thoughts with your husband. Communication is a big part of a marriage and you need to talk this out with your husband. It is very possible that he will be able to alleviate your concerns but he needs to know how you feel before this goes on much longer.
I am sorry you feel that way. I am sure you husband loves you more than any of the other women. After he did marry you and he did confess to you about it. An old flame never truely dies for men but this is not something you need to worry about. Talk to your husband about it and he will be honest with you.
Secondly I would like to congratulate you on keeping your virginity till marrage. Not many people can pull that off these days
If this is your first sexual relationship, I can understand why you may find it upsetting. But, keep in mind, that your husband was honest with you and that there is no reason to believe that this will seriously affect your marriage at all unless you make it an issue. Have you done things in the past that you wish you hadn’t done? Then forgive him for doing things in the past that you wish he hadn’t done, and move on with your life. The less you think about the past and the more you think in the present, the happier you will likely be. Even if he’s done all those positions before, etc, what is that to you? He married you, not the other girls.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this, please be assured of my prayers as it sounds as if you are feeling much heartbreak over something that you cannot do much about other then try and “let it go” which is not always so easy.
Perhaps this will help: you mentioned you are a virgin but in your life did you ever have experiences with other men? Did you ever have another man put his arm around you? Did you ever kiss another man? Did another man ever dance with you? Okay so when your husband puts his arm around you do you find yourself fantasizing about your past boyfriend? My guess is…probably not. You are in love and recently married and hopefully working on building your marriage! You have no interest in the men of your past at this time so when you husband kisses you all of your emotional energy is focused on being in love with your husband and enjoying HIS KISS! Naturally from time to time you may be looking at a High School yearbook or you may see a movie that reminds you of a boy you once dated when you were younger, however these memories will likely be just quick and passing thoughts. The same is with your husband.
Men are typically very visual and thinking about exactly what is in front of them at the moment! My guess is when your husband is with you in marital intimacy then 100% of his focus is on YOU. Plus who needs or wants distractions? When you are about to kiss your husband would you tell yourself “I think I will fantasize about kissing my old boyfriend John right now” that would be a strange and unproductive thing to do as well as sinful. I cannot imagine why your husband would entertain such notions.
You are going to need Jesus Christ to help you through this. Jesus Christ designed marriage for one man and for one woman only and for us to save ourselves until marriage because He knew what He was doing! Everyday pray that Jesus Christ helps you overcome your jealousy over your husband’s past. This is a heavy cross to bear, you are hurting deeply and don’t know how to overcome this. Jesus will help you! Remember that Jesus Christ has know since the beginning of time that you would be right here right now struggling with THIS. He knew that you would be going through this. He knows the way through for you, He can help you grow in grace and holiness. Walk with Him. Hope this helps a little. God bless you.
Yes, there are worse things that can happen in life, but that doesn’t make the pain you are feeling magically go away. You cannot help the way you feel. And you are definitely not the first person to feel this way.
I understand that this can be difficult. I’ve known couples who went in to marriage with different levels of sexual experience and it was genuinely challenging for person with less “experience”. But it is not an insurmountable thing. You are still newly married, so the key things that will help are prayer, time and communication. Share with your husband how you feel. Talk through these feelings. You don’t want to let this simmer in your soul. From those I’ve known, they didn’t get past this without talking it out.
I understand how this wouldn’t really occur to you until after marriage. Before you have that shared experience with your spouse, it’s easier to not think about those previous experiences with others. But then afterwards, you are more cognizant of it.
Really, the pain you are feeling is just one of the many negative consequences of sexual sin. There’s no need to whitewash it and pretend it doesn’t hurt you. It does. But you do have to forgive your husband and let go of the past so that you can focus on the future. It may be challenging. It may take time. But you know that – ultimately – that is what needs to happen for you to have a healthy, happy marriage going forward.
Take this all to the Lord in prayer. He will heal your soul. Pray with your husband as well. Every day. The Lord will see you both through this.
Actually no… It is up to the one who chooses to respond. As in all interactions we deal with as Christians, do you want to exhibit Christ to a soul or do you want to kick a person while they’re down?
In this day and age of interacting online we need to treat people the same way we would if we see them hurting in person. In reality, would one just say, “Deal with it, get over it, etc?”, if this person was actually in front of them? In all due respect, your response just seems like a rationalization of how this behavior is ok. You should’t expect rude answers from a community of fellow believers when you express your pain for being wounded by sinful behavior. In fact, you would expect the opposite otherwise you wouldn’t have posted to begin with. In the end, the choice to tear someone down lies with the one who responds.
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.