Husband's unfounded accusations - please help!


#1

My husband’s latest thing is to accuse me of dishonesty. It could be something large, or insignificant. Last week, it was insignificant. It had been a very difficult day, trying to get the Christmas tree out of the house, while simultaneously homeschooling our large family of children. Add to that it was the gardeners day to come. Just before 10, I let the dog in the house (she’s in a kennel, because she refuses to be housebroken), picked up after her, and opened the yard for the gardeners. As luck would have it, they were two hours late. By that time, the kids were going crazy, the dog was whining incessantly, and I was trying to keep my little ones out of the breakable ornaments that were being returned to their boxes. As soon as the gardeners were finished, I went out to lock up the back yard, so I could get that noisy dog outside. As I was passing through the back yard (the dog was still in the house), I found a mess from the dog that I’d missed before the gardeners came, right in the middle of the grass. Now it had been quite a stressful couple of hours, and after all the time I’d spent trying to train that darn dog, that really made me angry. Before he came home, I mentioned it to my husband on the phone, and how frustrated I was w/ the dog. Later that night, he went outside, came back in, and told me he saw the mess, and it was “glistening in the moonlight,” and there was NO WAY she had done that before the gardeners came. Besides, there was NO WAY they would have left it there and worked around it. They would have cleaned it up. He wanted me to stop what I was doing and come outside, so that he could prove to me that what he was saying was true. It was 9:30 at night, and after a long and stressful day, I was trying to get the dishes into the dishwasher, so that I could finally sit down to some peace and quiet. My first thought was that he had just forgotten what I had told him earlier. But he wouldn’t even let me get the words out. It became VERY clear that he remembered perfectly well what I had said, and was trying to prove to me that what I said could not possibly be true. I did get angry, and I did cry. When I realized my honesty (over something so stupid) was in question, I was absolutely shocked, and hurt besides. He went on and on about how I’m always making him out to be the bad guy, how I go along being happy for a while, and then I make up something to be angry with him about, how I am so lucky to have someone like him who puts up with me. I argued with him for a while – maybe 10 to 15 minutes – mostly trying to get him to listen to why there was no doubt in my mind that the mess was there after the gardeners left but before I let the dog out. And responding to his other accusations. After about 15 minutes, I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom (to get away – all the bedrooms are downstairs.) He followed me. He would not let me alone. He finally left for about 15-20 minutes or so. That gave me a chance to pray, pray, pray, and to take a step back and consider his accusations. I was (and am) 100% sure that what I said was true. I was just minding my own business, when he came in and attacked me. He would not even give me the chance to answer. I was simply responding. I was not perfectly happy that day, but all I was thinking about what some down time, to sit and relax before going to bed. The idea of arguing with him over ANYTHING was far from my mind.
After about 20 minutes, he came back. He wanted to “find a solution.” I told him there was nothing to discuss. The facts were that I’d missed a mess, the gardeners left it, and I found it before I let the dog out again. What’s to “figure out”? He kept going on and on, and I said that my problem was his accusing me of dishonesty. He said he was not. I asked him to answer one question: If I say something happened, and you say, “Impossible,” and want me to come out and prove to me that it’s impossible, how can that be ANYTHING but you not believing me? I asked the question, he changed the subject. I said, “That doesn’t answer my question,” and asked again. Again, he changed the subject. I don’t know how many times I asked, but he never answered. Of course, that’s because the only answer was that he did not believe me.
I know there will be some who read this, and think I am this up. Or exaggerating to favor myself. I am not. I am honest to a fault; often giving unnecessary details, to the great annoyance of those around me, to be sure there is absolutely no possibility that I am being misunderstood, ESPECIALLY in a way that would favor myself. If I do something wrong, so it is. I will not deny it. I will do my best to fix it. I also have an excellent memory. So really what I am asking is that if you choose not to believe me, please don’t reply, just to tell me so. None of you actually KNOW me, so to accuse me of dishonesty is more understandable than my husband doing so, but I feel I’m struggling enough with that already.
My question in this. How do I get over hurtful things that are done with the intent to hurt me? Of all people, my husband knows that I am honest to a fault. Therefore, the only possibility is that he has found a way to “push my buttons”, and to hurt me. How do I ignore that? How do I look forward to seeing him? It is one thing to have someone hurt you out of frustration, as a mistake, as a misunderstanding, out of ignorance. It is something else entirely when it is a situation OF SUCH UNIMPORTANCE, where the only possibility is to hurt me! I am at the point where my heart sings when he leaves for work in the morning, and sinks when the key turns in the lock at night, signifying his return. I am sure that he can feel my frustration. I admit that. But how do I get over it? CAN I get over it? I pray and pray and pray, some days it feels almost constant (amidst the chaos of my busy day.) St. Monica, pray for me!


#2

Just a pointer. Looking at the mass of words makes it quite daunting to wade in. Bite size pieces with paragraph spacing will make it easier for others.


#3

I feel it is impossible to see the real problem from the post. I would evaluate the good and bad in your relationship. There is something deeper going on then dog poop.

For example, are you overstressed with the kids and taking care of the home and feel that he doesn't understand or help? Does he feel neglected because you spend all your time and focus on the kids and there is nothing left for him? Try to look for the real problem. I don't think it is about honesty.


#4

dear cspb, just a pointer: who asked you for pointers in formatting?

dear 1TM,

so you’re married to a guy who has to be right and will incessantly argue about it.

always right + incessant arguer = bully.

what a painful trial for you. please learn to speak this truth this to his accusations, “i guess it really does look that way to you. let me fix it.” to his perspective, YOU = wrong in everything. so tell him what’s true about him without defending yourself or asserting your case.

do this FIRST before arguments erupt. he will probably try and bait you for a bigger, more provocative response, but just REPEAT the quote above. again and again.

now from a practical standpoint,

  1. why are you homeschooling on a sunday? why are you homeschooling on ANY day when a big project is happening? if your husband expects you to move mountains, tell him you can’t. ask him “today i have 2 BIG, opposing tasks. which one do you suggest i tackle?”

  2. find a lovley new home for the dog. you and dog are NOT compatable right now.

  3. if you can afford gardeners, why not hire a mothers helper a couple hours a week for that down time you need? take your down time while husband is at work because everything falls apart when he comes hom

  4. you need counseling. if he wont go (i betcha he wont) go by yourself.


#5

[quote="1TiredMom, post:1, topic:225352"]
My question in this. How do I get over hurtful things that are done with the intent to hurt me? Of all people, my husband knows that I am honest to a fault. Therefore, the only possibility is that he has found a way to “push my buttons”, and to hurt me. How do I ignore that? How do I look forward to seeing him? It is one thing to have someone hurt you out of frustration, as a mistake, as a misunderstanding, out of ignorance. It is something else entirely when it is a situation OF SUCH UNIMPORTANCE, where the only possibility is to hurt me! I am at the point where my heart sings when he leaves for work in the morning, and sinks when the key turns in the lock at night, signifying his return. I am sure that he can feel my frustration. I admit that. But how do I get over it? CAN I get over it? I pray and pray and pray, some days it feels almost constant (amidst the chaos of my busy day.) St. Monica, pray for me!

[/quote]

Professional counseling would be your best bet to get to the underlying problem in your marriage.

If you want to try the "self-help" approach, then I recommend that you read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft (see here). If your husband is making his accusations just to hurt you, then by reading this book you will quickly perceive if there are other behaviors at work to keep you off balance, always behind, and too busy to realize what is really going on.

If not, then reading the book will help you get this worrisome speculation out of your head. Your husband may have other psychological problems or issues that cause him to fixate on this unimportant incident.


#6

Hey! Monicatholic! Just a point-he had a point about pointers.


#7

I would suggest some marital counseling - you have received some great advice but also any man that is criticizing a wife in ear shot of his children is only going to contribute bigger problems in raising those children later when they say - Daddy doesn’t respect mommy so neither I don’t have to either.

It is dog poop - if it doesn’t get cleaned up that minute the next person can get it cleaned up whether him or one of the kids -you are a wife not a servant.

Marriage counseling…


#8

It doesn't sound as though you are overly fond of the dog. You seem to have a lot on your plate....home schooling a house full of kid's; and then having a dog to clean up after, and sounds like it's irritatingly noisy not to mention it refuses to house train. I'd find a home for the dog where someone can devote more time to it than you can. As far as your husband. It's so typical. I'm glad I'm single.


#9

I skipped the solid wall of words and just looked for question marks.

[LIST]
*]You get over hurtful things done with the intent to hurt you by standing up for yourself and stopping playing the victim all the time.
*]You ignore your husband pushing your buttons by doing just that - you ignore him. Ignore means you don’t respond.
*]It doesn’t matter whether you look forward to seeing him. Stop putting your feelings first.
*]You get over it by stopping playing the victim all the time.
*]You can get over it by stopping playing the victim all the time.
[/LIST]


#10

Now this is a great post :slight_smile:


#11

Definitely let the dog go to another home. It is not trained, you are putting it in a kennel because you don’t have time to deal with it. This whole argument was about what comes out of the dog’s rear end. I find that ridiculous, but your husband will probably find something else to criticize once the dog is gone.

Why did he fixate so much on the dog mess? Why did you play into it? You are not his victim, I recommend the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. If you are just waiting for him to act so you can react, then he has control of you and he knows it.

Tell him, “When you start arguing with me like that, I am going to walk away and not discuss it with you.” I agree with the poster who said this will be taken badly by the children. Your husband should not go after you like this with the children present (well, not at all) but you should not allow him to either.

I would recommend counseling for you first, the marriage after that. You need to get some backbone and a good counselor will help you do that. You do not need to accept unacceptable behavior. And you do not need to kill yourself trying to please this man who seems to get locked onto something and use it to bash you.

Yes, fire the gardeners and hire a mother’s helper ASAP! You might even like to do some of the yardwork yourself - I always found it relaxing and satisfying since the yard stayed mowed longer than the dishes stayed clean.


#12

I just re-read your first message and saw that you say that the dog using the lawn as its bathroom is somehow WRONG??? It made you MAD??? Where do you want the dog to go to poop? You guys do NOT need a dog if it can’t even poop on the grass without being in trouble!! House training means the dog doesn’t mess in the house, not that it can’t even poop on the grass!! OMG.


#13

[quote="Apollos, post:9, topic:225352"]
I skipped the solid wall of words and just looked for question marks.

[LIST]
*]You get over hurtful things done with the intent to hurt you by standing up for yourself and stopping playing the victim all the time.
*]You ignore your husband pushing your buttons by doing just that - you ignore him. Ignore means you don't respond.
*]It doesn't matter whether you look forward to seeing him. Stop putting your feelings first.
*]You get over it by stopping playing the victim all the time.
*]You can get over it by stopping playing the victim all the time.
[/LIST]

[/quote]

:D :dancing:


#14

Dear 1TiredMom,

Your name says it all! You need to step back and regroup. You’re a wife, mother, teacher, house keeper, laundress, cook, dog trainer and pooper scoooper? As I read your post it seemed to get angrier and angrier, and go faster and faster, like a hampster on a wheel. No one can have this kind of day every day without breaking down.

Perhaps your husband is feeling the same pressure. Choosing to make a major deal over a dog mess in the yard says to me that he is at flash point when he arrives home from work, looking for the thing that’s going to push him over the edge. Then he unloads on you for an hour and probably goes to bed exhausted, while you cry in the bathroom.

There’s not much question that you are both in need of some recognition and understanding of what the other is feeling. That may only be possible with an objective third party, professional counseling. Give it some serious thought.

In the meantime, is there someone to share with other than your husband who is probably too tired to hear what you’re saying? What about your mother, sister, a friend? Not someone to dump your troubles on, just a different, but trusted, voice outside your small circle? In your very busy schedule, have you scheduled any play time for you?

Your patron, St. Monica, is a great choice. What a wonderful mother, and it is well known she had a lot to put up with. God bless


#15

First, I’d like to say thank you for the kind responses. I will look into the sources suggested.

I apologize for my long post. I didn’t realize how long it was until I went back to look a while later.

The issue is not the dog poop. The issue could have been anything. I told him what happened, he said it was impossible, and tried to prove to me how wrong I was, and to get me to admit that what I said was not possible.

(As an aside, and as a response to the disbelief that I was upset when the dog had gone in the grass, I originally tried to train her to go on the side of the house. I was partially successful, in that if one of the kids or I is outside with her when she needs to go, she’ll head right over. So she knows what we want – no question. But if she’s got to go when she’s out alone, she’ll go wherever. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I’m disappointed in her stubbornness. I tried for over six months, until I was too sick and pregnant to deal w/ it any longer.)

To clarify - I was not homeschooling on Sunday. This happened during the week. I was attempting to get the tree out of the house on a school day, because it was trash day. It was too much in one day.

I would like to reply to Apollos:

I did stand up for myself. He would not listen to what I had to say. I don’t know what else I could have said or done to get through to him. I don’t believe I’m playing victim.

I fully intend to try to ignore him pushing my buttons in the future. I am seeing a pattern, and if I can anticipate, and know ahead of time that this is likely to happen again, I can hopefully recognize it, and not take it as a personal assault. Although, I’m not sure how I can both stand up for myself, and ignore him at the same time.

I do not put my feelings first. I try to do whatever is right in all situations, regardless of my feelings, although I admit I am not always successful. My question was meant to ask for help in looking past my feelings of hurt. He CLEARLY set out to hurt me, and it is difficult to WANT to be sweet and kind to a person who intends to do you harm. My goal in posting this morning was to receive advice in dealing with that situation.

I don’t think I’m playing the victim. I believe a victim is someone who is mistreated, taken advantage of, or hurt in some way by another. I hadn’t thought about it, but in this case, I certainly was verbally attacked by my husband, and it was hurtful and intentional. If I just wanted pity, I would not have asked for advice.

Sorry for another long post.


#16

When you come to a point in your marriage that you’re trying to prove to each other WHEN the dog went poop… Well, I suspect there are other things at hand.

I mean step back for a second: Why does it matter when the dog actually went poop.

You’re upset with yourself, 'cause you missed it, and then the gardeners didn’t do anything with it.

And DH is telling you there is no way you both missed it and the dog went later.

What is the POINT to this arguement? WHO CARES when the dog relieved itself? That’s what animals do. Is he to be on a certain schedule.

Your opening statement speaks volumes to me… My Husband’s latest thing…

What was it before this?


#17

Oh, if you only knew how many times I said the same thing through the bathroom door that night - this is so unimportant! Who cares, who cares, who cares? But he would not leave! It wasn’t the dog. To me, it was the question of not being believed over something so stupid and irrelevant. To him, he wanted an admission from me that what I was asking him to believe was impossible. But I didn’t give him what he wanted, because I was already telling the truth. Such a complete waste of time.

I can’t get into the other issues. I’m trying to cheer myself up :slight_smile:


#18

Yes, you are expecting too much of a dog. If you are this tightly controlled, to where the dog has to go in a certain spot in the yard only, or if there is dog mess left inadvertently and your husband goes off on you, there is a lot of stress in your household. I know your kids probably go and play in the yard, how old are they and is anyone old enough to have Poop Patrol as a chore? Get a poop scoop and let an older kid do it. If you don't have any old enough to help you, what are you doing with a dog in the first place?

It sounds as if your husband has a problem letting go of stuff like this - why is he treating you like some sort of enemy when you are already tired and stressed out because you are doing too much? Why attack you on such a minor thing as where and when the dog has relieved itself? My hubby might get annoyed if someone ELSE'S dog went poop on our lawn, but he wouldn't attack ME over it in any case.

You have enough on your plate with having the kids at home ALL the time, please consider finding another home for this dog. The dog could do better with someone who could give it the time and attention necessary - you are not that family. Seriously. Then at least you wouldn't have to worry about dog poop, but then it might end up to be an argument over where you put the mustard jar in the fridge.

Counseling.


#19

I don’t think people in this thread are taking this seriously enough. What your husband did is called “crazy making” and it’s a well known tactic of emotionally abusive people. He’s trying to get you to doubt your own judgment and memory as a method of control. What he’s doing to you is just as bad as if he were beating you and I don’t think you should stand for another second of it.

Do some research online about “crazy making”, talk to someone in your area that deals with spousal abuse, and talk to your local Priest.


#20

Get rid of the dog, but keep the dog house for your husband for these times when he's being verbally abusive and calling you a liar and telling you you're lucky he puts up with you. :bigyikes: Don't you believe that for a second. He's lucky you haven't kicked him to the curb! Those kinds of statements are red flags - abusers talk like that.


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