Husbands use of Porn help me


#1

I am writting this out of desperation! My Husband struggles with the temptation of looking at porn, it has been going on since before we were married at a time when it didn't bother me as I was not religious in any way. Since our conversion my husband had thrown out all of his porn and I thought was doing well. He mentioned about a year ago that he was still struggling with this so I started praying for him. A couple of months ago I got up in the middle of the night and caught him on the computer. I prayed about this and spoke to our priest about how I felt before I talked to my husband so I would not be hurtful in what I said. We set up parental controls on the computer and blocked all sites and we prayed together and I am continuing praying for him, but, now I found downloads in files that I really didn't want to see, that were well hidden( found only by opening the wrong thing when he asked me to do something). I am so hurt, I feel betrayed not only that he has continued on with this ( I know we all fall into temptation and I was prepared for that), but, that he was completely dishonest about it, after he was just telling me how important it is to him that our marrage is good and what else can each of us do to contribute to having a good marrage and family life. Please if anyone has any sound advice I would really appreciate it as I am to the point that I don't even want him to touch me. We have four children and the last thing I want is for them to think there are any problems in our home! Please Help Me!


#2

Your sense of betrayal is justified, and it's not something you would be able to avoid discussing with your husband as the damage is on several levels of trust, one of which is that it's going to be very difficult to trust any protestations he makes from this time.
I can understand why you feel such distaste, because apart from undermining your trust in his honesty, it is also personally insulting, both that he's deceived, and that he seeks other forms of sexual gratification.

I can't give you 'sound advice' but I think others will. I just know you can't sweep this under the carpet as it will continue to bother and affect you and your relationship with your husband. He does need help. And I imagine his conscience hasn't been comfortable.

Primarily I responded because I feel for you, and will say some prayers for you. I'd find it hard to endure anything like that.
Warm regards, Trishie


#3

[quote="natc, post:1, topic:223525"]
I am writting this out of desperation! My Husband struggles with the temptation of looking at porn, it has been going on since before we were married at a time when it didn't bother me as I was not religious in any way. Since our conversion my husband had thrown out all of his porn and I thought was doing well. He mentioned about a year ago that he was still struggling with this so I started praying for him. A couple of months ago I got up in the middle of the night and caught him on the computer. I prayed about this and spoke to our priest about how I felt before I talked to my husband so I would not be hurtful in what I said. We set up parental controls on the computer and blocked all sites and we prayed together and I am continuing praying for him, but, now I found downloads in files that I really didn't want to see, that were well hidden( found only by opening the wrong thing when he asked me to do something). I am so hurt, I feel betrayed not only that he has continued on with this ( I know we all fall into temptation and I was prepared for that), but, that he was completely dishonest about it, after he was just telling me how important it is to him that our marrage is good and what else can each of us do to contribute to having a good marrage and family life. Please if anyone has any sound advice I would really appreciate it as I am to the point that I don't even want him to touch me. We have four children and the last thing I want is for them to think there are any problems in our home! Please Help Me!

[/quote]

The porn industry is one of satan's tools that he has used very successfully to try to break up beautiful families like yours. I have been in your shoes and continue to be there with the same issue with my husband. It can cause a very difficult roller coaster ride of ups and downs in a marriage. Please know that this in no way reflects on your beauty and worth as a woman and wife. Your desperation is very natural and understandable. It's a horrible addiction, but it can be conquered. Prayer and receiving the the Sacraments (especially Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist) are two excellent ways to begin - as well as open and calm (or as calm as possible, anyway) communication with your husband. Talking to a Priest or Catholic counselor can also help tremendously.
In addition, there's a support group here at CAF that you may wish to join called, "Women Suffering Because of Unchastity," which can be found via the Groups tab at the top of the page. It deals specifically with this issue.
Please know that you're definitely not alone, and you and your family will be in my prayers. Our Lord's peace to you.


#4

[quote="natc, post:1, topic:223525"]
I am writting this out of desperation! My Husband struggles with the temptation of looking at porn, it has been going on since before we were married at a time when it didn't bother me as I was not religious in any way. Since our conversion my husband had thrown out all of his porn and I thought was doing well. He mentioned about a year ago that he was still struggling with this so I started praying for him. A couple of months ago I got up in the middle of the night and caught him on the computer. I prayed about this and spoke to our priest about how I felt before I talked to my husband so I would not be hurtful in what I said. We set up parental controls on the computer and blocked all sites and we prayed together and I am continuing praying for him, but, now I found downloads in files that I really didn't want to see, that were well hidden( found only by opening the wrong thing when he asked me to do something). I am so hurt, I feel betrayed not only that he has continued on with this ( I know we all fall into temptation and I was prepared for that), but, that he was completely dishonest about it, after he was just telling me how important it is to him that our marrage is good and what else can each of us do to contribute to having a good marrage and family life. Please if anyone has any sound advice I would really appreciate it as I am to the point that I don't even want him to touch me. We have four children and the last thing I want is for them to think there are any problems in our home! Please Help Me!

[/quote]

Well your husband is addicted. He's "hiding the bottles," so to speak, but he's still looking at porn. The internet makes it so easy to do. Not justifying it, but so many more men are hooked because they can get it 24/7 without leaving the house. Talk to him. Tell him you found the files. Do make sure the files have been accessed recently, maybe they are archived from before? He may tell you that. Really he needs to reformat the hard drive and reinstall the operating system, clean off all those old files permanently and then put the blocking software on and give the password to another man to change so he can't hack through it. All of your feelings of betrayal are totally normal - I consider this virtual adultery, because even if he isn't thinking of them in that way, those women he's looking at are people and the purpose of looking is to become sexually excited. So the only part that is missing is having sex with that person. Instead, the men have sex with themselves (masturbation).

Time for your husband to step up and realize this is bigger than he thought and it's time to get help. There are tons of support groups and he can get counseling. You both might need to get counseling. Society tells us this is not harmful and it's no big deal. Porn ruins marriages and shatters trust. Tell him his kids are expecting him to show them what a man is, and a man doesn't look at other women naked.


#5

Don't despair. There is hope. Especially if he realizes it's wrong and wants to fix the problem. If so, I recommend the following:

  1. Go to Confession (him) every time he looks at it, ASAP.

  2. Say the Rosary EVERY day, without exception.

  3. Go to Mass daily, if at all possible. Not just Sunday's and Holy Day's.

  4. Fast once or twice/week, if y'all are physically able, and offer it up.

Listen to the following audio talks. They're well done, tasteful, and helpful:

alabamacatholicresources.com/Purity.html (Start with the last one.)

alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/The_Poison_of_Pornography.mp3

alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/Conquering_Lust_by_Father_Kenneth_Dean.mp3

There's also help at the following website (Steve Woods' website):

dads.org/strugglewithporn.asp


#6

[quote="bmaj, post:3, topic:223525"]
...In addition, there's a support group here at CAF that you may wish to join called, "Women Suffering Because of Unchastity," which can be found via the Groups tab at the top of the page. It deals specifically with this issue....

[/quote]

If your husband decided he could use support to help clean up his act, there is a CAF group here of people who are walking the path toward purity. (Link in my sig.)

Praying for us all,
- curl


#7

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