Husbands/wives sleeping apart?

I just saw this story in The NY Times:

** To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime **

Not since the Victorian age of starched sheets and starchy manners, builders and architects say, have there been so many orders for separate bedrooms. Or separate sleeping nooks. Or his-and-her wings.
In interviews, couples and sociologists say that often it has nothing to do with sex. More likely, it has to do with snoring. Or with children crying. Or with getting up and heading for the gym at 5:30 in the morning. Or with sending e-mail messages until well after midnight.
In a survey in February by the National Association of Home Builders, builders and architects predicted that more than 60 percent of custom houses would have dual master bedrooms by 2015, according to Gopal Ahluwalia, staff vice president of research at the builders association. Some builders say more than a quarter of their new projects already do.

Separate bedrooms for married couples always struck me as rather weird, if not bad for the marriage. I mean, if you have a fight, where’s the incentive to make up? Where’s that, uh, spontaneity? Let me guess, this current generation text massages each other :rolleyes:

A couple of married relatives I know have separate bedrooms, for some very good reasons.

He likes to watch sports all night. She goes to bed at 8:30 PM, which she proceeds by reading. He likes the dogs in the bed, she likes them on the floor. He likes the bedroom heated, she likes it ice cold with plenty of covers (He can’t sleep under that many covers). He is a roller and mover when he sleeps, she stays in one spot and he rolls and moves all over her. He snores.

So, he has a bedroom and she has a bedroom.

I am told it does not effect their intimacy.

They seem quite affectionate with each other, and well rested. And they are seniors.

Getting sufficient sleep is good for a marriage, very good. I become difficult to live with if I go long enough without reasonable sleep. The more tired I am, the more imprudent my tongue. Plus I become incompetent at work, of course.

No way, not for us. We belong right next to each other.

My mom and her husband have separate rooms - between her hot flashes and snoring, and his needing to get up early in the morning for work, it just works better for them, and she is a huge advocate for separate rooms. On the weekends, they bunk together, and don’t ask me about their level of intimacy - there are some things I don’t need to know! :o

I think that if it works for a couple and does not impact their intimacy, then there is nothing wrong with it. Sex can happen anywhere, it doesn’t have to be in the bed at night. :o --yep, I’m blushing again.:o


Miss Bonnie and I have slept apart for a couple of decades now. The main problem was her snoring, altho I have been told that I can saw a log or two as well. In addition, my work sked makes me early to bed, early to rise, while she can’t usually get to sleep before midnight.

Then there’s the matter of all…her…STUFF! :stuck_out_tongue:

We’ve done it this way for so long that I don’t think I could get to sleep with someone else in the bed.

And no, it hasn’t affected our intimacy. It has added a line to the dialog, however–“My place or yours?” :smiley:


If I had the money to go with a self-designed house (no, I’m not an architect, I’d still make someone competent do the more technical stuff, but I’d love to plan it out), I might actually consider that. Not necessarily leading to implementing it, but certainly seeing a positive side or two. I prefer clear and possibly unlimited rolling space. I don’t take that well to proximity of external sources of heat (:D), and sleeping position matters a lot to me. If I were to sleep cuddled up, I’d need a ton of caffeine in the morning and I would still be achy. Besides, I might be a bit of a hermit. Of course, this would lead to frequent cluttering up in one of the “wings” for long-night conversations, but in the absence of it, the seperate wings could at times be sighed after. :smiley: Besides, I’m a bit on the platonic edge, don’t know, doesn’t mean I can’t be huggy or something, but I certainly do hope for (not so) occasional long conversations instead of presence in the same room inevitably leading to the same things.

Obviously, it is going to depend on the individual couple in question. Just like everything else, it can either work or not. BUT, I could see the above scenario making a marriage worse because there doesn’t seem to be any compromise. Each person gets what they want/need without having to be considerate of the other person. Without a very strong foundation of true, unconditional love, thaty could lead to disaster.


Once my precious son leaves for college in the fall, I intend to take his bedroom for myself. DH and I have totally different sleep patterns. He’s a night owl, I’m asleep early then up in the wee hours. He likes to watch TV in the bedroom, and I don’t. He likes a night light, and I can’t sleep except in absolute darkness. He likes almost no covers, I must have a mountain of blankets. Finally, due to menopausal hot-flashing, I have a fair amount of insomnia…would love to just turn on a light and read when I’m suddenly :bounce: but it always happens when DH is asleep.:sleep:

This was also in our local newspaper, on the front page! (Louisville, KY)

Personally, I dislike the idea.
Call me crazy, but I ENJOY sleeping with my husband. Who would I talk to before I go to sleep, or cuddle up with in the middle of the night?


we have separate rooms, but share a bedroom. We had long planned, if ever we built a house like this one, that we would each have our own room for computer, sitting, his TV, my stereo, his sports junk, my books, his need for constant noise (he considers Rush and cold pizza as background noise) and use of the speaker phone, my need for peace and quiet.

the bedroom is neutral territory–no electronics, no noise, soft light, no clutter because clothes, books etc. are someplace else. Most important is separate bathrooms, a definite marriage saver IMO. This lay-out destresses the bedroom and makes it what it is supposed to be, an intimate retreat for real togetherness whether we are awake or asleep. I sleep much much better with this system.

The spare bedroom is also my prayer space (unless MIL is here) since my office with computer, books, files, taxes, clutter is not conducive to contemplation.

the other good fallout from this plan is that the living room stays clean, because neither of us is dumping our clutter there, so I have at least one place that is not in a shambles.

My husband and I share the same bedroom, but have two beds pushed up against each other. He has ‘the jimmy legs syndrome’, we both snore and wake the other, so sleeping near, but separate, works for us.
P.S. We’ve been married for 29 years. :slight_smile: Although the arrangement is only about two years old.

I enjoy sleeping with my husband…but I can’t stay asleep from his very loud snoring. I love him, but I just can’t sleep! I work full time and he is retired. AND he likes the room freezing cold, I like warmer, he likes the radio on, I require silence, he likes a fan blowing right on him, it gives me sinusitis. I have arthritis and toss and turn all night, as it is.

It just won’t work. Sadly, we part at evening time, but without a good night’s sleep my work suffers, our health suffers. and tempers flare. We cuddle in the morning and before bed and still experience connubial bliss.

I couldn’t imagine sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Neither hubby nor I like to sleep alone. When he was hospitilized with a collapse lung I still slept next him in his hospital bed and I was pregnant at the time. Even though he works afternoons and doesn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning he lays in our bed and plays playstation which I actually like to fall asleep to. If he snores I just push him to roll over. My mom and dad sleep in seperate rooms (this is fairly recent). My dad snores so loud and my mom has asthma and gets up a lot in the night so it works for them.

My wife and I have separate bedrooms. I snore, and she’s a light sleeper. The arrangement works very well for us, and I prefer it myself.

Granted, it really depends on the individual couple. I am greatly offended with other couples tell us we “must” share the bed.

LOL! My husband and I could never sleep apart but I sure love this one!! :thumbsup:

My husband snores really really really, I mean really really really loud and let me tell you, when we had recently gotten married I just did not sleep! Now, after almost 5 years, if I don’t hear his snoring, I can’t fall asleep…LOL! :smiley:

When God designed the lives of married couples, he envisioned that the couple will share 1 bed so that they will enjoy and suffer in the name of self-giving and self-less devotion to one another. It was meant to make each spouse take care of each other and learn to endure each other’s shortcomings as well as enjoy what each spouse can bring to the shared bed or bedroom. We also learned that the matrimonial bed is the altar upon which married couples consummate the sacrament of marital communion, not unlike the Eucharistic altar where Christ’s passion is consummated during Mass and the dinner table where families share their meals as well as their hopes and dreams in keeping the small church in the family alive and well. It’s called sharing.

So when my wife snores and I can’t sleep well, I try to trace back how hectic her day was and how I can help her out this coming week-end or perhaps it reminds me I need to bring her to the doctor for some previously postponed check up. On some nights, it was her turn and she wakes me up to tell me I’m drooling on the sheets and it will mean an extra cost in dry cleaning if I don’t change my sleeping position. Then on some nights she wakes me up when it’s my turn to wait for our son who’s arriving late to ask him how well his party went. I also learned to pray for my wife while she sleeps on my side and sometimes sprinkle a few holy water on our bed as part of our prayer for protection and good night’s sleep before finally going to sleep.

We may have 3 extra bedrooms in our house but I’m rather lazy to get up and figure out while half asleep in the dark which room my wife is sleeping if I’m going to take care of my wife in the same loving way.

The selfish comfort of enjoying a bedroom all to myself will not compensate for the tender moments as well as the bad omens that can only be enjoyed and discerned when sharing a bed with the one I love. Besides how can I convince my wife otherwise?

I don’t really like analogies between sex and the Eucharist.

My DH and I sleep apart for a variety of reasons, but try to sleep together when possible. DH is a very loud snorer and frequently has acid reflux which causes him great discomfort during the night. I am a very poor sleeper and always have been (my parents added a room onto our house to keep me from waking up the entire household each night).

I spend most nights lying in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep until hours after my husband has fallen asleep, waking up each hour, until finally giving up and accepting that I am awake at 5 or 6. Listening to him snore doesn’t help matters, nor does it help him rest if I am flipping around on our bed. So, we begin our nights in the same bed, and then about half of the time I have to get up and go into the other room to sleep. I usually try praying, counting backwards from 2000, and as a last resort reading to help me return to sleep. Currently I am under a great deal of stress, but once it lessens I should be able to sleep better.

I really think this is just a matter for each couple to decide, and depends on too many different factors to call anything right or wrong. I typically need about 5 hours of sleep to function, and my DH has an important job that requires that he be rested. If the sacrifice of not sleeping together makes it possible for both of us to function the next day than I think it is worth it.

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