I am asking.
I’m being denied, but at least some good is being done. Others will benefit, but I’ll never benefit.
This is why I’m afraid to offer it up. I still do it. But I’m getting scared to keep going.
Now what if having a closer relationship with God happens through more suffering?
And why can’t this happen through LESS suffering? God closed that door.
Nope. But God’s way of showing love is not registering on me. He is using the wrong key to unlock my heart.
you don’t ever feel His presence?
Why are you trying to get Him to dance to your tune?
More like me trying to hear the music which you say he is playing (music metaphor for love).
A deaf person who cannot hear the beautiful loving music God is playing needs to have the deafness healed first, and only God’s touch can do that.
A person with a stuffy nose cannot smell the beautiful loving aroma of perfume God is creating needs to have the smelling fixed first, and only God’s touch can do that.
I have an inability to relate to God. I don’t know what to call it. Spiritual autism? Spiritual blindness? Spiritual deafness? Only God can heal that and he refuses to do so.
You have to put aside your negativity and offer yourself to Him.
Can’t put aside which is me. Otherwise, I’d have to be a phony.
God will see right through phoniness.
And how can I offer a worthless me to him? I have no value to him. Besides, the self is evil (and especially my self).
You have value as His Baptized son, priest, prophet, and king.
A son to be crucified.
A priest to be immolated.
A prophet to be sacrificed.
A king whose only throne flushes.
No pleasant things allowed.
Really? Not ONE priest? Not one sister or monk at a nearby monastery? Not one Deacon around anywhere?
Not where I am living. Nearest monastery is a long distance away. The clergy here are very…lightweight. I’ve got heavy things and they’re stuck in the 1970’s. One cares more about the Chicago Bears game than creating a decent homily. Ugh.
Then make up your mind and just do it. It takes far more effort to stroke those old wounds. Decide.
I’m going to choose to do this why?
You’re asking me to make a huge gianormous sacrifice, which 1) I’m unable to do without grace which 2) he refuses to provide and 3) he doesn’t relate to me.
That’s hard. How can I do that?
I prayed for you in the middle of the night. Did a Divine Mercy chaplet. I got us very ill. Decided that nothing was going to make me feel better, so I prayed and found peace. I hope you did as well.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Especially since you got ill doing this, I appreciate that sacrifice.