I am in a very difficult situation. I am a male who is sexually inclined towards my own sex. I live with a male partner who is also Catholic but doesn’t believe the majority of what the Church teaches.
I believe that homosexual sex is a sin (though the homosexual is not a sinner unless he partakes of the act).
We have a mortgage and an open life with our friends and family. My mother is Catholic and, like me, knows that homosexual relations are sinful. Despite this she stands by me though perhaps prefers to pretend that we are living chastely.
I feel a strong pull towards joining a traditional monastery (I am completely traditional in that I only attend the traditional Mass) but I am in a relationship which is wicked and I can’t see a way out.
To leave my relationship would cause extreme financial hardship to my partner as we own a million dollar home with a mortgage close the value of the house. I love my partner despite the fact that I know that my actions condemn him as much as myself.
I entered a seminary some years ago but was told to leave due my previous homosexual relations. This was the right decision of the seminary rector. I am strongly drawn to the idea of a monastery where I can’t be a priest (as I am clearly not worthy) but would like to be a monk. Unfortunately I am afraid that the temptations I suffer from will cause this to be a disaster as well.
To top things off I drink in excess. Every day I drink two bottles of wine. I think I do this because I am in a situation that I feel I can’t escape from.
I no longer attend Mass (though I yearn so desperately to do so) because of my relationship and the fact that I am terrified of people asking about where I live and with whom.
I can see no way out of this situation at all.
Does anyone here have any idea what I can do?