I am in a very difficult situation

I am in a very difficult situation. I am a male who is sexually inclined towards my own sex. I live with a male partner who is also Catholic but doesn’t believe the majority of what the Church teaches.

I believe that homosexual sex is a sin (though the homosexual is not a sinner unless he partakes of the act).

We have a mortgage and an open life with our friends and family. My mother is Catholic and, like me, knows that homosexual relations are sinful. Despite this she stands by me though perhaps prefers to pretend that we are living chastely.

I feel a strong pull towards joining a traditional monastery (I am completely traditional in that I only attend the traditional Mass) but I am in a relationship which is wicked and I can’t see a way out.

To leave my relationship would cause extreme financial hardship to my partner as we own a million dollar home with a mortgage close the value of the house. I love my partner despite the fact that I know that my actions condemn him as much as myself.

I entered a seminary some years ago but was told to leave due my previous homosexual relations. This was the right decision of the seminary rector. I am strongly drawn to the idea of a monastery where I can’t be a priest (as I am clearly not worthy) but would like to be a monk. Unfortunately I am afraid that the temptations I suffer from will cause this to be a disaster as well.

To top things off I drink in excess. Every day I drink two bottles of wine. I think I do this because I am in a situation that I feel I can’t escape from.

I no longer attend Mass (though I yearn so desperately to do so) because of my relationship and the fact that I am terrified of people asking about where I live and with whom.

I can see no way out of this situation at all.

Does anyone here have any idea what I can do?

Well, the best I can say is that going and ask for a counseling session with a local Catholic priest. Many times they can clarify the issues and help you see the path to where you need to be.

You seem to be looking out for your comforts and that of your partner and paying very little attention to what God asks of you. You cant get out of this relationship because you like the pleasure it brings you, you cant leave the million dollar house ( which only the two of you live in ) because you dont want to hurt your partner and the mortgage is huge, have you really given all this a thought at all? so you say but how hard have you really really yearned for a good relationship with God? cause if you really wanted a relationship with God, you will not want anything to stand in your way, definately not any of the above.

Be bold and take a definate step towards God, be prepared to sacrifice your desires and wants and needs and take up your cross and follow him. It will be rough, it will be hard, but he will be with you every step of the way. The reward at the end is much more worthwhile. Take the step, I would rather you hurt your partner now than you be at loggerheads with God.

Hearken to the call and you wont regret. Keep us informed.

God bless.


Leave. Pack a bag and depart. Go now.

Find an inexpensive starter one-room apartment for just yourself. You don’t even need furniture. Just a mattress.

Let the million dollar house go.

You can start over.

The complications of the mortgage and the rest are not solvable and are not fixable.

Let your “partner” salvage what he can from the overbought house situation. Or just let the bank take the house. Let the financial whizbangs at the bank work it out for him. He can get his own one room apartment somewhere else.

Basically, the situation as described is untenable and you need to “unplug” in order to save your own soul.

If you totally change your environment and totally change your daily routine and change your pattern [e.g., avoid the liquor store], you will be able to get your soul back.

Entering a monastery or a seminary won’t solve your problem. You need to restart your life with a new set of good habits and practices before you can even consider moving into a more challenging life such a monastery or seminary.

Find a Catholic Church with perpetual Eucharistic adoration and visit at least once a day. Morning, noon, and night. Pray five times a day. Make a good confession, receive absolution and then get to daily Mass.

Dear brother!
I heard a homily last week which may put it in perspective for you and force you to realize whether or not you take seriously your professed belief in God, and his bride, the Catholic Church: If your doctor told you that you had 1 week to live, what would you do? Would you avail yourself of the mercy of sacramental confession, celebrate mass and receive our Lord in the eucharist, and begin to extricate yourself emotionally and financially from the complicated immoral relationship with your friend? If not, perhaps your love and awe of the Lord is not what you claim it is…

The whole point is, none of us, not a one, can know whether we’ll even have tomorrow to repent. Once you know you are in sin (which your post indicates), you need to repent not tomorrow, not when the mortgage is paid off, not when you are definitely accepted as a brother in a monastery, but NOW, TODAY! You NEED the sacraments in order to give you strength to live Christ’s life… you know what you need to do. Nike at least had it right in their motto: JUST DO IT! God’s grace will suffice. Come on. You admit you haven’t been happy and at peace doing what YOU want… why not give God the steering wheel?

Perhaps you don’t feel close to God. Maybe you never have. But ask yourself: how much time have you put into prayer, into mass, into learning about God by reading the Bible or studying the Catechism and Church documents, into adoration? Does it compare in any way with the amount of time you’ve spent with your friend and what the secular world has to teach you? I would guess the answer is no. But God is calling you. You seem to know that God wants more from you, is calling you to walk in his very steep path. But is it the only path to peace and true joy. Trust in God is what is needed. You feel like you’re throwing yourself off a cliff when you follow the Lord, at times, but realize, you are actually throwing yourself into God’s arms! And God is faithful.

Do not let the emotions or anger or hurt of your friend dissuade you. You know full well the man God wants you to be, and the witness you NEED to be to your friend. Loving someone, truly loving someone, is NOT confirming him in his sin, but telling him the truth, comporting yourself in God’s truth. If you hear His voice today, harden not your heart.

There is a great Catholic ministry called COURAGE. (www.couragerc.net). They have priests and staff especially trained to minister to those with same-sex attraction. I am praying you will contact them. God bless-

You have an obligation beyond just this relationship. Do not do as the other poster suggested and let the house ‘go’ or be foreclosed on.

It would not be right or prudent for you neglect your other responsibilities. You would not only leave yourself in financial ruin but you could also leave this other man in financial ruin. There are ways to extract yourself from the situation which do not involve shirking off your responsibility.

**If you own the home you could do three things. **
*]You could get a small apartment of your own and as long as he pays his part of the morgage he could stay there until the house sells.
*]You could move in with your mother with the same arrangement as #1.
*]You could ask him to move out[/LIST].
If he owns the home you can do all of the above, however tell him he has some fixed amount of time to make other arrangements to pay for the home. (Say no more then 6 months.) He could then sell the home, or find a roommate.

If you both own the home, then all of the above apply. but make sure he refinances and removes your name off the mortgage and title and pays you back whatever you initially invested in the home.

None of this requires you to stay in the current situation, but it allows you to bow out. There are consequences for sins and this is just one of those things.

Go to confession whenever, and worry about this call when everything else has worked itself out.

Welcome to CAF, Thomas.

The ministry of Courage (perhaps you are already familiar with it) would be very helpful to you in your desire to live chastely:


If you are hanging out with some friends and you suddenly become aware that they are intent on performing some act that is criminal and/or mortally sinful, would you get into a lengthy discussion/negotiation with them or would you excuse yourself and quietly leave and never return?

Please go back to Mass. Talk to a priest. Christ’s light is always left shining brightly for you - don’t give up on him. He won’t give up on you.

I’ve been through a very similar situation (save the drinking, and my house wasn’t nearly that nice). I know how difficult it is to work up the courage to do the right thing. I know and remember how scared I was when I finally told my former partner that we could no longer engage in intimate acts. It was not easy, to be sure; it took me ages to finally work up the nerve to do it. But here I am, a little more than two years later, and I could not be happier.

I know exactly how heavy this cross is to bear, because I am still bearing it. But it is bearable, and there are loads of people in the Church who can help. Courage, as many have suggested, is a fantastic resource, and if you have a chapter in your area, you should drop whatever you are doing and contact them. I also encourage you to spend some time before a Crucifix, and before the Blessed Sacrament. Again, keep going to Mass, even if you cannot receive Communion. Open your heart and your mind to God.

What He offers you is far more wonderful than anything you have right now. I can say for myself that what He offers me is worth more than anything I left behind.

You are not alone in this, not by a longshot. I will remember both you and your partner in my prayers.

Thanks for your encouragement. I hope Thomas will follow your suit and take steps towards God. No change is easy, but the reward of an eternity with God passes any earthly desires and I hope he will take the step.


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