I am in an loveless Catholic marriage


#1

My husband and me are both marian. However, four children after (the eldest being 16 years old), I have slowly come to the painful conclusion that I am in a loveless marriage. Loveless, actually in the part of my husband. I feel like, in his mind, my duty is just to have sex with him and take care of our children. Communication between us is usually about our kids and sex. I have also been talking to him with regards to him giving me more financial support as the kids are growing up and I have been using my credit cards to fill the needs. Between the two of us, he has the much bigger salary. He, however, has been constantly avoiding the subject since I suspect that his mother has obligated him to support his cancer stricken sister. I find this so unfair because one of our sons has a life-long disease and needs maintenance. I also have recently been diagnosed with a condition that needs expensive medication. When he heard this, he didn't even bother to give me additional money. He practically played deaf and dumb. Then this evening he told me that he is sending me money for my son's birthday in October. I said "hey, it's my birthday this month". He just smiled and said: "you are already old for that". I didn't want o talk to him after that. Actually, when we saw each other early this year, I already hated him. I have been playing a tune in my head about hating him and he doesn't even know it. It is something I made up. We had sex although my heart was not in it. I hated him. I hate him so much..I am trapped in a loveless marriage. It tears me up because I know that marriage is sacred to God. I have been praying the rosary to help the marriage. I don't know what else to do. Marriage counseling is out of the question because he doesn't want to pay. I hate him. Please help me pray for me and my marriage.


#2

It’s entirely possible your husband is feeling overwhelmed, and is closing himself off or in a way, shutting down.

I don’t know, and really at this point it doesn’t matter. What I would like to say to you is this:

We cannot change anyone else; only ourselves.

So please take a look at yourself. What in you can you change? Pray about it … the only real change that will happen, is with the help of God. Ask Him to search you and to show you what you need to see. Ask Him to help you let go of the hate you are feeling; ask Him to fill your heart with love for God, for your husband, for yourself.

Ask Him to guide you through this time of turmoil that is in your heart and in your marriage. It is a long and difficult walk - I know because I have been there. But our Father is waiting for you to ask for His help; He will walk with you through this valley and show you surprising things about yourself; about your marriage; about your husband. If you persevere, you may experience a renewed marriage, a renewed heart.

All is not lost; all is not hopeless. Please take it one step at a time, prayerfully, trusting in God to see you through this.

God bless you and your family. :slight_smile:


#3

You need some help for yourself...Catholic Charities often has funds based counselling. You need it for yourself so you can communicate better and the counsellor can give you lots of ideas to take care of yourself and your family and deal with this man.

I feel it in my heart for you.

You may need to figure ways to make your own money. The counsellor could help with this too. Your Pastor might be able to help too...

confession for hating is good too. That is quite a burden for you all by itself and it probably zapps you of all your creative energy that would help you find creative ways on your own to solve the problems you can solve. I am certain, you are a smart woman, with many more talents that you are given credit for ;).

Hail Mary....


#4

I can’t believe how fast you guys replied. I just posted a few minutes ago and was still editing. I myself am overwhelmed by all the things he wants me to do for our kids. If I were to rate him as a father, I would give him 85/100. He loves our kids–no doubt about that. But as a husband—lousy–if it were not for the fact that I know that he is 100% faithful despite the distance, he would get a total zero. He is an expat. What I hate so much is that he obligated me to do so many things — to be a father and mother to our kids since I am the only one around, to kill my ambition to grow in my profession since I have to be present for the kids, to be the tutor of the kids after working the whole day. When, our usually intelligent scholar son failed in several subjects probably due to the confusion of puberty… I was the one who thought of ways to help him get back on track. That zapped up so much of my energy. Do you know how physically and mentally draining my daily routine is? And this is the thanks I get— Anyway, I do appreciate your posts. Thanks. Actually, I really needed fast answers. Thanks. I’m not ok but truly your posts helped… yes, I will try to do what you guys suggested. Please continue to pray for me.


#5

Why is he away for so long? Are you 2 separated?


#6

Monse,

I have a very dear friend who is in a situation similar to yours. I have seen how much she struggles to raise the kids on her own, while the role of her husband is to basically send money home. She is far from happy. I can imagine that you are going through some seriously tough times.

You need to get some support here. Could you get some spiritual direction/councelling (I have the feeling that sometimes they overlap) that could help you get through this? What about your friends and family?

In any case, please continue to pray the Rosary. Our blessed mother will help you. Also, go to adoration if you have the chance. That really works wonders, it has helped me heal in some very difficult times in my life.

God bless.


#7

Well, there are bad things in every marriage. Yours seem to be rocked by distance. But not bad, 1. he is faithful; 2. you talk about sex; 3. you have sex, not matter what; 4. things move forward.

You must think that you are in rough times, struggling with several kinds of diseases and that is not easy. People get stressed and make mistakes. Do not feel that making mistakes is something out of ordinary. He makes mistakes, you make mistakes, forgive him, forgive yourself, go ahead and dont look back.

You hate OK. You have a right to hate. You hate because you hate. You hate because you feel hurt. Maybe he did things that he thought right but have hurt you, so you have a right to hate. OK. I repeat, you have a right to hate.

Second preliminary thought: what I am going to say it is easier said than done. For me it is very easy to say, for you it is very difficult to do.

Having said that, I would say that hate hurts only the person who hates. You hate and you are destroying yourself by hating. Your hate does not hurt him, he will feel no vengeance at all nor should be (for instance, deny him of sex).

Lady, sorry to tell, better said than done, but you have nowhere to go but forgive him. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Oh! But it hurts so much! But by hating you are destroying yourself, by forgiving you are throwing down a load from your shoulders, you will become lighter.

I tell you, hate somebody is a full time job. You must hate the person 24/7/365 of the year. It interferes with your daily work.

Is it hard to forgive? Yes, it is. But I would say harder it is to hate. It is a heavier load.

Attention, forgive is not forget.

But I see no other alternative but forgive.

On the rest, I think you are both heroes: you are weathering rough times and you are going ahead. Maybe the ship is listing a little bit starboard but, God helping, it will com to port.


#8

No, Debora, the marriage is intact. His yearly vacation leave allotment is 1 month only. :slight_smile: Also to Contra Mundum, thanks for reminding me about the adoration… I used to do that before when I had problems and God did help me through difficult periods…don’t know why I forgot about doing that… thanks… I have to log off already since I have to put one of my kids to sleep already… thanks to all:) You guys helped me a lot! God bless!


#9

I do know how draining it is - I really do. I felt the same way you do at one time. What I started trying to do, was to do everything for the LORD. “I” can give up my ambitions and professional career for God; “I” can be a father & mother for our kids for the LORD; “I” can tutor and serve my children for God.

Does that make sense? For me, it was part of understanding that I truly do want a servant’s heart and “this” is where I am … now how can I serve God in this place, at this time?

I will continue to pray for you - God bless you!


#10

Dear Monse,
I have been married for nearly thirty one years. I deeply love my husband, and I know he loves me, too. Yet, there have been many rough spots, and sometimes I wondered if we would make it through those storms, such was the strain and hurt between us. I only say this to assure you that if you both love the Lord with all your heart, it certainly isn’t hopeless. However, ultimately, if he refuses to even try to understand the depth of your hurt and frustration, if he remains as selfish as you intimate, I would seek counseling, even if you must do it alone, from one who specializes in marital issues. But, be prepared to seek help apart from your husband’s participation or approval. You may have to walk this calvary with Christ alone; but that’s just it, Christ Himself will be with you.

One caveat to counseling: If I were in your situation, I would shy away from any counselor who has never experienced the realities of marriage himself/herself. It is one thing to receive advice from one who only has a conceptual point of view, and quite another to receive it from one has truly experienced the difficulties of marriage.

Finally, I remember years ago going to a young couple’s wedding shower, and those of us who were married were asked to anonymously write down one piece of advice for the couple on how to have a successful marriage. I thought about it only a moment, and then wrote, “The most important thing in marriage is forgiveness.” I still think it is the soundest advice I could have given. May God bless you and help you and your family. I’ll be praying for you:)


#11

It sounds like you might need to reevaluate what he wants you to do and decide what you can handle. You have to make ends meet and your kids development is very important. So finding a balance in it all…do you really have to do all the things other than job, kids, house? That he has left you with? If you are in a military community, what about help from other wives?

He may be off doing other things but if it is for the military maybe you can plug into those groups of wives and get help even if you aren’t military…

what about school? can they help you with some of the tutoring?

creative thinking…so you can keep yourself healthy.

Maybe too, it may be time for him to think of a different job…these may be far from the mark, but if he is gone maybe his idea of realistic is way different than reality.


#12

Love is what you give, not what you receive. Sorry you're starving emotionally and egotistically. It won't kill you. Your resentment may. Mother Therese of Calcutta told her sisters to stop their works if they weren't performed in love. So stop. If you can't do it in love, don't do it. Inform your husband, not that he is unloving, but that you are; and that he needs to hire a nanny because you, you, are hateful and poisoning your family. You have the formula wrong. Love is what you give, not what you receive.

Looking for love is deadly. Love is patient, kind, forgiving. You are subsumed in hatred. Be honest with your husband. Stop boiling with resentment. An exercise for uncovering hidden resentment is found at Foundation of Human Understanding, fhu.com It is their free observation meditation and lets you see what's eating you because the root cause may be something more fundamental than externals of your life today. Because you have the formula dead wrong--"love is what you receive"--you are on the dark side of the moon. Come into the light. Start with being honest with your husband, not blaming and shaming for what he is or is not doing, but by being truthful about who you are. OK? "Darling, I hate you. It's my responsibility, not yours. Don't take it personally. I'm hateful and resentful. I will promise to explore why. Until such time that I heal, please hire a nanny because I hate taking care of the kids." You are feeding on hate. That's your issue. Not his. Not the kids. Man up and admit it.


#13

I'm sorry to hear you are going through these trials.

I'm confused about your use of the word "hate." My definition of hate is to wish ill to the person: for example, I hate Planned Parenthood. Not the people involved, them I feel sorry for and pray for, but I pray that the PP organization might be destroyed. It is evil, injures people, and covers up child abuse. I wish only bad fortune to PP.
So I feel ok about hating that organization, but there is no human being that I can hate, since God created every person and wills their repentance and salvation. Jesus enjoined us to love our enemies, do good to those who hate us and despitefully use us. That's how we turn them into our friends.
Do you really hate your husband? Or are you angry at his behavior? If you care about him at all, the best you can do for him is to pray for him. As a previous poster said, hate will only hurt you. And even if he is your enemy, you are required to pray for him. The goal of marriage is for the spouses to help each other into heaven.
But if a man were my enemy, I certainly wouldn't stay married to him.
God bless.


#14

Why is everyone having such issues with her choice of words? She is hurting. She needs support and is in a difficult spot. I don't find some of these posts helpful at all and just because she said the word "hate"

I imagine steam coming out of her ears when she thinks about this man...but it's probably more of a boundary issue than her really hating anyone. She sounds overwhelmed and he is removed from the situation so she could use some good positive advice.

maybe she is missing the mark on communicating in a way he can understand...I do that too.

Maybe you can write him a letter? He might think things are fine...he may think, "im not there so how can I help?" instead of a simple..."how can I help?"

there is a myriad of things that will help. saying she is in darkness is not anyone's call here...sheesh.


#15

I'm sure I should know this, but........What does "are both marian" mean?

I'm sorry for all your hurt. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel so unloved. I'm sure the distance, while possibly seeming like a blessing to you at times, is very difficult on both of you.

I will pray that your dh opens up to you more and realizes the pain that he is causing. I pray that the hate in your heart can be replaced by a commitment to loving him through the atoning blood of Jesus.


#16

[quote=Monse;8304416

]My husband and me are both marian.

I'm sorry but was does "marian" mean?

have also been talking to him with regards to him giving me more financial support as the kids are growing up and I have been using my credit cards to fill the needs. Between the two of us, he has the much bigger salary. He, however, has been constantly avoiding the subject since I suspect that his mother has obligated him to support his cancer stricken sister. I find this so unfair because one of our sons has a life-long disease and needs maintenance.

The financial aspect of your marriage puzzles me a little. Don't you have a family budget that you regularly update and that you both agree on? My husband and I sit down about every 3 months and review our financial situation. I earn more than him but we both contribute a % of our income that allows us to adequately cover household expenses but also give us some spending money. We put aside a % for medical costs and also set aside a certain % as our emergency fund. Financial situations can change depending on the season (heating/air conditioner bills), and also change as we get older - more medical costs etc sow e find it important to update our plan often. I also send a % of my income to my mother every month but that is incorporated into our budget.

You say you "suspect that his mother has obligated him to support his cancer stricken sister". If he is, this would dramatically change your family budget but haven't the two of you talked about this? You only "suspect" this which suggests to me that you haven't.
BTW, when I was growing up, once my sister and I were in our late teens we also were involved in the family budget meetings. It gave us a real insight into what to expect from our parents and also helped us when we got married.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Dealing with these multiple health issues must be very stressful.

Gearoidin


#17

Your marital issues are very common. Men often expect a lot from their wives. We sacrifice everything and it seems like they sacrifice nothing. Then on top of that, they don’t appreciate our sacrifices…like it’s “our job” so we should suck it up.

I empathize with you and your emotional bank is on empty. Your husband hasn’t made a deposit into it for a long time.

Have you thought of planning a date for your birthday and then telling him to take the day off? Perhaps you guys can rekindle the magic?

Sometimes guys need to be hit over the head and told what to do. It sounds like this guy may need a nice hit over the head. :stuck_out_tongue:

I second that you get a good Christian counsellor. You need some emotional support to help you cope with your feelings.


#18

You’re a pretty tough cookie. Your comments are reminiscent to me, in spirit, of Job’s three friends. Sift through her words that you are stumbling over and have a little compassion on someone who’s hurting. It’s hard to believe that you’ve never suffered yourself. Why so harsh?:confused:


#19

Although i am not qualified to speak on such a subject as this however why is wanting to be loved wrong? If two give themselves to one another but only one expresses love surely the other will fill with sadness. Resentment and hatred is when this sadness intensifies first into a hatred of oneself for thinking they aren’t doing enough and then hatred of the person making them feel such hatred in the first place


#20

Personally, and I know many won’t agree with me (and I have never ever done this) - but if I were in your situation, If I didn’t want to have sex with him - didn’t feel that I wanted to be united to him that way, I wouldn’t! If it was something I began wanting again, I wouldn’t withhold but there would have to be a definite “come to Jesus” meeting about how I felt I was being treated and about that “old” comment with regards to your birthday!

Good Luck and God Bless - I know you’ll be getting some prayers for you and your marriage from here -
Rye


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.