thank you for your time. I am 27 yrs old woman, from 16 yrs old I feel God is pushing into my heart with questions about consecrated life. I would call it “calling”. Last two years I had very special relationship with one young man, we were very much in love and in the same time we were such a good friends! We were living in chastity and evrything was just perfect, but when there was a time, he was trying to propose me, I strongly felt I can´t go into marriage. But I wanted so much! And I felt like God was telling me He has something even better for my life … I still love this man, can´t forget him and everytime we call each other or see each other, we both feel strong love…
I discussed it with my spiritual director and he told me, it might be really vocation … but I am crying, I am not able to accept it. I feel so strong desire to have a husband, but in the same time there is this strong feeling of God´s will for my life to live consecrated life.
I already visit few convents and talked to sisters and superior (and superior told me, that she can´t accept me for different reasons - slight depression and anxiety disorder), but I feel like God is maybe calling me to different type of consecrated life (not religious life), maybe living in some new community or living alone with personal vows.
I am not able to accept it, bcs this strong real feeling for this man and also bcs there is such a pain thinking about leaving marriage and children behined for Jesus.
I can´t even sleep know. It drives me mad, bcs I am stuck in the middle of nowhere …
Thank you for replies and prayers