So I have never had the best experience with my faith. From age 6 I wanted to be a priest but then I learned you had to pray a lot, and honestly with prayer I’ve found it boring and I don’t really get much out of it. With mass I also find it extremely boring unless I am doing something in the mass. As for my spiritual life I would describe it as nonexistant, I don’t pray really, and I don’t really like prayer.
When it comes to supporting the church I am 100% on board with it’s vision, and I do my best to support my priest in his ministry, if people want to conform to the Catholic faith I support them. I just don’t really live by it because I honestly don’t like or agree with a catholic lifestyle. When it comes to my faith personally I suck at being Catholic or even Christian.
I have been in mortal sin for the past 8 years, and I was confirmed in it, and I have committed innumerable sins. In addition I don’t really trust priests too much with my sins, I know they are sworn to never reveal anyone’s sins, but what if I receive a penance that makes me show my sins or seek help for my commonly recurring vices? That is my reluctance to confess.
Among other things I don’t like 90% of other Catholics. I find them extremely thin skinned and far too stringent with false purity, to the point that they consider the word hell a curse.
When it comes to vocation I have been told I have to either be a priest or get married. This really rubs me the wrong way, I NEVER want to be married, I find the mere idea of romantic love repulsive because it is your brain tricking you into reproducing, not only that but the amount of time invested into a base level relationship is ridiculous. I could spend those hours working on getting a masters degree or actually doing something productive. Plus I don’t really get the whole “no contraception” thing, I can see why no abortion as it is murder, but really? must I be a parent If I were to ever be married? The other methods of contraception prevent life from being created in the first place.
When it comes to the priesthood I have considered it, but I decided against it, because it would mean I have basically no time to myself.
And finally Catholic women, seems like every time I tried one of them before I decided against marriage at all I ended up just getting hurt before I finally just toughened up and said no more and killed off the side of me that even basely considers love. I still occasionally have to kill that off every now and then because I get lonely. But I like killing that off because I derive great strength and pride from knowing that I don’t need to feel loved to be happy, seems like a liberation from one of humanity’s greatest weaknesses.
These things make me question whether or not I even want to be Catholic or Christian, as I don’t really see myself truly accepting either and I am far too strong willed to even consider compromising with what I want and who I am, I learned the hard way that if you compromise with what you want in life you’ll never truly get what you want out of life.