My best friend has 3 kids. We made a pact that if anything should ever happen to her that I would care for her 3 kids (There are 2 different fathers who fathered these 3 kids, 1 was abusive physically and emotionally and the other has schizophrenia and does not take meds). Today, her oldest child called me and said my mother said she can’t take it any more and is going to kill herself. :crying: I hear all the children crying in the background. My best friend has had severe pains which are getting worse and she is suffering from severe depression. :(I do not have any kids. I am a newly wed and my husband gets stressed out easily when it comes to kids. I drove my friend to the hospital. I know nothing of raising kids. On top of that, the two younger sons have learning disabilities and the older of the two has a speech impediment. I just bought a house and want to provide some stability to these children. Any advice?
My only advice is to look around for support … are there other families you know in the parish, or could you call your mom or other relatives with children and ask for advice?
Do you have any idea if this is a short-term “visit with you till Mom gets better” or maybe a long-term problem? If it is long term, you might want to talk with their mother about who would be best to take care of her children – you, or someone more experienced than you. Maybe she knows others who could support you on this.
No advice… just prayers for your situation and for your friend’s family.
I think I will speak to my mom about it…
I’ve been in the hospital for depression before. It is a very difficult time. First of all, she needs to know her children are taken care of. The two without the speech impediment will most likely explain what their sibling is saying. That’s how it works with my two at least. My son has a speech delay, among other things, and he’s 3.5. My daughter is 2.5 and speaks for him many times. I’m not sure what the learning disabilities are, so I cannot help much there. The first thing you need to do is pray for strength. I sometimes have a hard time, and he’s my bilogical child. You WILL get through this.
I actually have to give my kids lunch before I leave for therapy, so that is all for right now. I will pray on this and try to write more tonight. God Bless You for helping your friend.
It doesn’t sound like you can take the responsibility of these children anymore then the mother can. You do need to talk to your mother. And get in touch with family members of the children’s mother as well. And talk to your husband.
The family members of the mother allowed her to be homeless with the children. Her mother is an alcoholic. The one sister has 3 children and is overwhelmed. I made her the promise I inted to keep it. I want to provide stability as the school year is approaching. What are some good bed times. What are some of your schedules like. Ages are 11(going to middle school), 8 and 6.
Yes, but you have a husband I would think he has a BIG say in this despite the promise you made to your friend. Your husband is important as well. and you can’t force a promise you made to your friend on your husband. I can see watching them while she’s in the hospital and it’s for the short term.
Is there a legal arrangement? When you say “made a pact,” did you just make a verbal agreement? Is there anything in writing?
If there is no legal arrangement, I doubt the State would allow you to just take her kids. They would go to foster care first, and you would have to petition to gain custody. I have my doubts that a girlfriend pact would stand up in a court. If it were written, signed, and witnessed, perhaps it would hold up. But I really don’t think the court would turn three children over to another young woman who isn’t a relative.
I hope everything turns out OK for her, her children, and you and your husband.
I admire your dedication to your friend. The 11 year old should be able to fill you in on their routine until you can talk to Mom again, and if they had a routine, best to stick with it. If they didn’t, getting a routine in place is your priority right now, so the kids can have some predictability in their lives. Both my boys (ages 4 and 9) both sleep about 10 hours a night. So bedtime depends on what time we need to be out the door to get to school or the sitter’s on time. This year I’m going to try to get both kids in the routine of showering in the morning and bathing on weekends, since bath time cut into homework time last year (or vice versa). With three you may want one or two to shower in the morning and the youngest to bathe at night.
My husband was made aware of the pact before we got married. I said he gets stressed out. As someone in my position would be
Thank you for the advice.
First let me say bless you for wanting to help your friend out. You’re a true hero. Second don’t panic. I know three kids seems like a big prospect and it is but sometimes we’re stronger then we think and the unknown can be frightening. I would get in touch with social services or your local church and family members to see if they could help you with some support or advice. My prayers are with you.
Yes, but you have a husband I would think he has a BIG say in this despite the promise you made to your friend.
If there is no legal arrangement, I doubt the State would allow you to just take her kids. They would go to foster care first, and you would have to petition to gain custody.
I was going to say these things too. It’s one thing to care for these children for a few days or so. But longer than that and you really have to consider whether or not you CAN do this. Not everything good to do is something you can do. And somethings things you once promised in good faith become impossible at a future time.
Vows to a husband override promises to a friend. So unless your husband married you knowing about and agreeing to this promise to your friend (which means HE agrees to care for these children) you either cannot keep the promise to your friend or you need to consider that your marriage in in jeopardy. And you should never accept long term custody of children without it being LEGAL custody. Anything other than legal custody is not fair to anyone.
At this point you are probably not really clear about a lot of things. But you do need to be clear on what your husband is willing to do.
I posted before I saw this. Did your husband agree that you both should take the children prior to your marriage? If so, then prayers for both of you. If you just informed him but he didn’t buy into the arrangement, then I think you need to talk to him now.
He agreed to it. He basically stated he wants papers signed by her. He knows nothing signed in writing would be nil.
I know you said he get’s stressed out. I don’t think I read anything about your husband agreeing till now. If that is the case then please excuse anything that I said earlier. I hope it all works out for you and your husband with these children. I’ll say a prayer for you. It will certainly be an adjustment for you, but at least you know the kid’s some what and the older child will no doubt be helpful. Yeah your Mom will be most helpful in any advice she can give. You are correct in establishing boundaries, bed time etc. The kid’s need stablility as well as lots of love. I really feel for the children, and pray for their mother.
Other than to mention that your husband is the head of your household now . . . and he very much needs to be . . . “on board” . . . if you’re going to have three young visitors in your home for a time . . . if you do wind up taking care of them . . .
[LIST]*]**Some shopping for appropriate nutritious groceries and sundries will be necessary . . . **do you have enough sheets, blankets, pillows, pillow cases, towels, wash clothes, etc. to meet the needs of all your little :curtsey: guests . . . ? . . . you can always collect some from your friend’s if necessary . . . and raid your friend’s cupboards and 'fridge too if necessary . . .
*]School is starting . . . if they are not already prepared . . . you need to get their school needs arranged for . . . make sure they are all :choocho: registered and you have the school calendar for each . . . get school supplies needed for them each to be successful . . . collect, wash and iron appropriate clothes for them to wear for the week . . . you’ll need storage for their clothes also . . . review the socks and shoes and sweater/jacket situation . . . cooler weather is a-coming . . .
*]You need to mind the clock and set up a schedule for getting up in the morning . . . dressing . . . a good nourishing breakfast with plenty of milk for growing :thankyou: bodies and bones . . . brushing teeth (medium soft toothbrushes if you have to buy them) . . . make lunches for all or give them money for hot school lunch . . . transportation time (and way) for them to get to school . . .
*]You need to mind the clock and prepare for transportation home from school . . . (if this is your responsibility) . . . their afternoon :pshaw: snacks . . . set time and place for doing homework and for you to check up on progress . . . a good nourishing supper . . . some family play/TV/etc time . . . warm sudsy evening baths and shampoos for all (dish detergent is marvelous and very gentle and non-allergenic for a sudsy bath with lots of bubbles. . . which is very helpful and delightful in bathing kids and getting them sparkling clean . . . following the baths . . . . brushing teeth . . . prayers . . . and early bedtimes :sleep: for all for lots of rest . . . so they will be refreshed and ready for everything the next school or weekend day entails . . . you may need to quietly sit in their bedroom while they settle down . . . so they’ll stay in their beds and drop off to sleep in a new sleeping environment . . .
*]Housing and caring for three :kiss4you: kids is going to stretch the budget a considerable bit . . . we have dollar store here and they often have a great supply of school supplies . . . toothbrushes . . . tooth paste . . . hand/bath soap . . . dish detergent . . . antiseptic wipes . . . etc. . . . and some fun little toys, puzzles, coloring books, colors, etc. for keeping young ones occupied . . . and they often have $1.00 packages of cookies . . . which kids can gobble up after meals . . . if they eat up their suppers . . .
*]If you train them from the . . . get-go . . . to wash hands before eating . . . to pick up their toys . . . clothes . . . take their dishes form the table to the sink . . . they’ll quickly adapt to the “rules of the house” . . . even if they aren’t used to doing these things . . . and having them :flowers: help in washing/drying dishes . . . putting them into or taking them out of the dishwasher and helping set the table . . . make up their beds . . . etc., . . . can actually be something children look forward to and helps them to feel very much a welcome part of the family . . .
*]**Register them in children’s classes in church school . . . ? . . . **at least for temporary classes . . . provide transportation to and from . . . prepare and instruct them re Holy :gopray2: Mass on Sunday Morn . . . re “peace be with you” time and crossed arms when going up for blessing from priest at Holy Communion time . . . [/LIST]
You’re going to be busy . . . but households all over the world handle it . . . there will be quite an adjustment period . . . and disciplined time management is needed . . . as well as lots of loving attention to each child . . .
*God bless . . . I’m praying for all involved in this difficult time . . . *
The Hail Mary
Hail Mary . . . full of grace . . . the Lord is with thee . . . blessed art thou among women . . . and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb . . . Jesus . . . Holy Mary . . . Mother of God . . . pray for us sinners . . . now and at the hour of our death . . . Amen . . .
[RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Dear Jesus+
. . . thank you Blessed Holy Mother+
Make sure that you are not so intent on keeping your “promise” that you ignore what is best for your marriage, the kids and yourself. It serves no purpose to rescue these kids from a bad situation only to creat your own bad situation. GET HELP from the state. Contact a social worker who can help you do this correctly. Truly I cannot say say what you are doing is right or wrong I sure don’t envey you and I will pray for you.