I used to login quite a bit to this site but haven’t done so in some time now. I have come to ask for prayers and maybe for some consolation, I don’t know, but I find myself writing this post.
To cut a very long story short I am studying in a Seminary in Spain and I am a Postulant in a Religious Order, my formation in the Order and my Seminary studies are separate. I am very happy in the Friary, I don’t claim to be extra Holy or anything of the sort but the Friars are so good to me and I am having a wonderful experience with them…however every day I go to Seminary and it is making me very sad- I like all my class mates, many of the professors are kind- however the academic level is just far above me- I am able to speak Spanish but I am just not able to cope with the full curriculum of study at the seminary, this year there are 13 subjects including Latin and Greek (which is all very complicated grammar) and I am just lost in almost every single class. I find myself unable to truly focus as I just cannot balance all these subjects and I am lost in them.
Before I entered I tried very hard to be a good Catholic, thinking of a religious Vocation I went to daily Mass, always prayed the Rosary and I even ran a Rosary Group etc. however I now live in a house where Jesus is truly present in the Blessed Sacrament and I find I have almost never been to visit him outside of official prayers (neither do any of the friars) and I no longer pray as much as I used to. The daily offices mean nothing to me, it seems to me just words and then getting lost and confused by the pages and turning over and turning back (those who know the offices will maybe get what I mean)- I can’t say it does anything for me and I can honestly say I don’t get anything out of it at all.
I always wanted to be a Priest- from whence I was a little boy but now I am here and “on the path” I just don’t know, I am not saying I want to leave (although it has crossed my mind), but I am finding it so hard to cope with all the studies as well as life in a Religious Order and everything being in another language. I know some will say “just leave and find an Order in your own country” that is not the solution and I won’t appreciate that from anyone. Maybe I am not trying hard enough- I am praying to St. John Vianney and Blessed Diego de Cadiz who both struggled with the studies. The thing is though I have spoken to my superiors about this who tell me to be at ease because the Order and the studies are separate, my taking vows has nothing to do with my studies and even if I fail everything they will still allow me to continue to make my vows- however it brings me no consolation as my mind is lost in all is and not at rest. I am not being negative but I think it is pretty much a given fact that I will fail and I don’t want to spend the next 6 years of my life unhappy in very difficult and non enjoyable studies. I feel less closer to God here than I did at home. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if these are temptations are what but I am fed up by it all. If this is the Religious Life then maybe I don’t want it- I know that is a sad thing to say but I am truly brought to that. The thing is I have never thought of anything else and if I leave I just don’t know what I can do in my life, I don’t want to leave but that is the conclusion my mind is jumping to—are these temptations? My Confessor just tells me to go on and if I fail I fail- but I am not eased by that.