Hello there, good people. This is my first post. I’ve waded these forums for a while but never posted - I usually enjoy reading and learning. But something has happened, and I need some help. I humbly apologize if this is the wrong subforum, I chose this as it seems appropriate.
I sinned last night. I do not wish to explain further than that, other than it’s not the first time, and I tried to resist and failed. I went to bed, put the alarm for 9:30am, prayed in shame, and quickly fell to sleep. At 8am my sister left home for college and involuntarily woke me, so I put on my trusty ear plugs and slept on. Then it began.
A dream. I was in bed, inmobile. Something came for me. I will attempt to describe it. It manifested in three ways:
- A blackness beyond black, a darkness beyond dark, like the purest blackest tar, enveloping me. Kind of like Venom in McGuire’s Spider Man 2.
- A scream of rage, but multiplied to infinity, like a million audio buffers emiting it around me, until my whole existence was drowned in a single, omnipresent scream.
- Hate beyond hate. A hate so oppresive, so compact and dense, so complete and pure, that I felt it had hated me since the dawn of time, and would hate me till the end of existence.
All these three things combined on me: the blackest tar, the infinite scream, the perfect hate. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream or even cry. I tried to focus in all that tide of evil, and tried to pray. To the Holy Father, to the Archangel Michael. I tried to ask for forgiveness, for mercy, at least for compassion.
It ended. Still dreaming, I asked for an exorcist. For some reason I was now a girl. I met the priest and he didn’t believe me, said I was epileptic, sent me to my room to rest.
Then the blackness came back. When I thought I was going to explode in madness, I awoke in terror. I truly felt soiled, violated, raped. I turned the lights on, then opened the shutters, trembling. My hands trembled so much!
I check the time. 10:45. The alarm had not sounded; my cellphone (where the alarm is) was off! I turned it on, checked the alarm… it was deactivated, evn though I had checked last night!
I’ve been terrified for the rest of the day. Ashamed to look at people in the eye, feeling soiled in the inside. I asked a leave from work and went to church to pray a Rosary, then anointed my forehead with holy water. I instantly felt better as I prayed in the pew, a great weight being relieved. I also felt a warming in the anointed area (as I usually do when applying holy water, and I still do as I type this).
I’m not a person to be quick to believe. I don’t jump to conclusions, I analyze and behave rationally. This defies analysis, this defies reason.
I do not think it was just a dream. I’ve never experienced anything even remotely so intense. I cannot conjure in my imagination such hate, such screams, such blackness. I have a weird certainty that there was a will there, that wanted to destroy me and bind me to darkness.
I needed to share this with you all. My girlfriend, we love each other, but she’s one of those “spiritual but not religious”. She sincerely thinks I should go to pray at church, but also visit a reiki teacher.
Anyways, I need advice. What do you think happened? I am terrified it can happen again this night. Should I confess + Eucharist? For personal reasons I have abstained from confession and eucharist (since in my personal circumstances it would be dishonest and blasphemous for the Body of Christ), should I change this?
Thanks for reading this far. It means the world to me.