[quote="prolifewife, post:19, topic:199768"]
I met my now husband. He liked me and accepted me from the beginning. Mental, physical and spiritual problems and all. I was so in shock that I was actually loved and accepted by a man, I let everything else slide. Our relationship was sinful from the beginning. We were both so desperate for love that we gave into lust and sin and repeatedly committed fornication, contraception, and cohabited. I kept making confession after confession trying to get out of this sinful rut. This after having studied the religious life. I felt so dirty, so evil, so bad. I felt God must be so very mad at me, must hate me even. I knew it wasn't the best choice to marry a protestant man, but again, didn't care much what God thought, after all, none of the catholic men worked out. So we planned on marriage. In the church of course. ;)
Fast forward a year. We finally were married in the church. Everything that was so sinful before was now beautiful and sacramental, so it was supposed to be. But all I could remember was the past. The horrible sinful past. So after two more years I made a general confession thinking I didn't get all my mortal sins in. Did it help? For a little while, but of course I'm back to doubting if I confessed everything or got all my mortal sins in and their nature and circumstances and all right. So I am thinking of making another general confession to try to get this all in.
Anyways can you see why I think God is punishing us with infertility? For all the bad and sin we committed before marriage. For marrying a protestant man after I knew full well it was best to wait for a catholic man. For not getting further treatments or tests for the infertility. For not trying our absolute best and hardest to beat it. For failing God in so many, many ways. It's just so hard. I feel like dirt, and I don't think I will ever get over the shame of it all, the scandal it caused, and after all God had done for me. I'm a total failure for the third time. I just don't think I'm ever going to get over it all. :crying:
First of all, I want to express my sympathy for what you are enduring right now. :(
To your 'confession' of past sins, I want to point out that Jesus is the most perfect revelation of God's nature that we humans have been given, and that Jesus is the One who reached out to us in our suffering and blindness. Jesus' parable of the prodigal son describes how God waits for us and welcomes us home with joy. God is not looking for an opportunity to punish you, nor does He feel any vindictive pleasure at seeing your pain. God does not hate you, but you already know that, right?
Also, I would like to point out that so, so many dating and engaged couples struggle with chastity issues prior to their marriage. You are not alone in having committed sins against chastity. In fact, my husband and I fornicated, contracepted, and cohabitated prior to marriage. But God was patient with me and I am learning later in life (still not that late, but late in comparison to cradle Catholics) what God intended for marriage and proper use of sexuality. Now I can see how damaging those sins against chastity can be, but I would never assume that my personal suffering today is my just punishment for my previous sins. I don't believe you should assume your present suffering is punishment for your sins, either. That is not how I understand Catholic teaching on God's nature and the existence of suffering.
And again, I ask you what I asked before and what a lot of other posters have said: How do you know that God did not send your husband to you to be the balm for your wounds and the spouse who could attend to your needs? It sounds to me like your husband is wonderful to you. Why in the world do you assume that you should have waited for a Catholic instead of marrying this good Protestant? Yes, I understand that he sinned right along with you prior to marriage...but so what? You were weak in your desire for your husband-to-be, and he was weak in his desire for his wife-to-be. You felt sorrow for your sins, you confessed and were absolved, life goes on. None of that means that you shouldn't have married him. At least in marrying him you were choosing to turn from sin and follow God's plan for relationships and sexual intimacy.
ProLifeWife, you have been such a great encourager to others here at CAF, and this is why I have responded to your thread so much today. It tears my heart up to think of someone as kind as yourself having such thoughts. You really seem to be thinking you are worthy of being punished in the worst ways by God. But God loves you, your husband seems to adore you, and despite our sins and our mistakes, God wants to bless us and have us find happiness in Him. Is there any way you could go talk to someone today or tomorrow, a professional or spiritual counselour who could help you see the flaws in your thinking and help you turn your thoughts to what is real and good and true? Because you just really seem to need someone authoritative who can correct this obsessive train of thinking. I hope you can talk to someone really soon. You will be in my prayers, dear.