I’m sure some of you have seen me around.
I’ve been having vocation confusion and such, but I’m getting better at being patient with that. Today I’m asking for prayers for a problem I’ve been dealing with since I was 13 years old, depression.
Let me give you all some short background information on why I struggle so much with this.
I was adopted at 5 years of age by my maternal grandparents because I was being physically and emotionally abused by my parents, mainly my father.
I was raised Baptist, and loved church. Until, at the age of 13, I began to be sexually molested by my youth paster(who was also the pastor’s son). This went on for two years and I finally, kinda, told when he started getting more men involved.
I was a mess by then and had turned my back on God. I was cutting and suicidal. Somehow, I hid all of this from my family. at 16, I began having sex and got into an abusive relationship(abusive in every way). I stayed with him for two years because I thought I deserved it, and really didn’t see what he was doing to me.
Last year I had a breakdown. I couldn’t keep all of this inside anymore and I started counseling. Last semester, the second week of January, I ended up in a psychiatric ward. I was there for a week and struggled for the rest of the semester with depression, anxiety, and fighting any urges to hurt myself.
God, even though I didn’t have the strength or courage to ask him to, reached down and pulled me out of the awful place I as in.
I transfered schools and have just started a new semester. Problem is, I’m feeling depressed again. I have no clue why. It’s really getting a huge grip on me. I’m struggling so much to go to class. I have one in 20 mins and I just feel so afraid. Afraid of what? I don’t know. I’ve been praying for God to help me, but then my mind just keeps telling me how selfish it is of me to expect God to fix everything. I don’t know.
Sorry for the long post. I’m just feeling so depressed and hopeless right now. I can’t let this semester be anything like the last(I failed every class). Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it through college.
This isn’t me, and I want it to go away. My mind just keeps telling me I must be doing something wrong.
Anyway, thanks for your time. I hope my post makes enough sense. Sorry for its length, I meant for it to be shorter.
Everyone take care!