I don't connect with anyone


#1

I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?


#2

Mostly we have to give to others, to go outside of our personal comfort zone to offer friendliness and kindness to others. We can't sit in our caves and hope people will come to us. This isn't to suggest that's what you do, but it's a helpful thought. I hope you find more interaction and happiness in you life soon.

Consider the prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

......
The prayer has many of the biblical truths of what it means to be a Christian - to seek to give, and in so doing, receive blessings...

prayerguide.org.uk/stfrancis.htm


#3

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

OneAugustKnight, fear not! Half of humanity feels lonely and misunderstood - we live in atomic times.

Whatever is wrong with you I think I've often felt is wrong with me..... which, in the end, is probably nothing. I've never felt I fit in anywhere, never quite felt part of the crowd (or quite rarely)..... but Trishie is right. Often, I find that part of the problem is myself..... not that my attempts to engage always work! But part of the problem is also partly everyone else...... yet often, surprisingly, even the most 'popular' or charismatic people are, in one way or another in the same boat...... all we can do is try. :)


#4

I will pray for you. I feel the same way. I know many people on a superficial level, but my phone does not ring, nor do I feel comfortable calling anyone "just to talk." I dread the time to come when I will have to ask for a favor, especially if I have to move to a new apartment. I can't lift this furniture on my own and many of my acquaintances are elderly parish members.

Are you close to your family? I am close to my parents and they are a great consolation when there is nobody else to talk to.


#5

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

I can relate to this, because I have experienced the same thing in my life. I have learned that I must reach out to others and be willing to be open and take a few risks. I have given the impression I am not approachable without realizing it, because I am basically a private person, and was taught, growing up, that one does not talk about one's self, one's problems, fears, dreams, etc. You kept things to yourself, didn't let anybody know your business, always pretended things were fine. Not a healthy way to live.

I am blessed now with a group of very close friends that I can share with, and also have some not so close friends that I occasionally do things with. But I had to make the effort. I made a Cursillo and joined a group reunion. I volunteered for things at Church, and made some friends that way. I learned how to share my feelings, and how to listen to others. If you are going to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Join some groups, either at Church or socially. Make it known that you would like to be included. Show a genuine interest in others. Be kind and generous with your time and with yourself. It takes practice, and for some of us, who are not basically gregarious, some effort. Sometimes we may be rejected, too. I don't have tons of friends, but I have enough, and they are true and long-term. I hope you can do this, because friends are a gift from God.


#6

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

I said this almost verbatim to my husband the other day.

You are not the only one.


#7

'Truly it is a blessed thing to love on earth as we hope to love in Heaven, and to begin that friendship here which is to endure for ever there. I am not now speaking of simple charity, a love due to all mankind, but of that spiritual friendship which binds souls together, leading them to share devotions and spiritual interests, so as to have but one mind between them. . . There are two sayings in Holy Scripture on which all Christian friendship should be built: - that of the Wise Man, "Whoso feareth the Lord shall direct his friendship aright;" and that of St. James, "The friendship of the world is enmity with God."'

St. Francis de Sales

It's something to be prayed for is it not? And looked for! :)


#8

It's not you. It's the society we live in. That is what is deficient. If you pray, though, especially to Mary (she seems sensitive about these things), I am sure new horizons will open up for you.

I think you should try doing something new and exciting to jump start the rut you are in.

Give you a new lease on life.

Can you go to school?

Maybe you have a vocation?

Maybe God is calling you to something special.


#9

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

Maybe nothing. Or if there is something, I have it, too.

I know this is just an innerwebs forum, but see how not-alone you are already?


#10

I'll be your friend. Also, Saint Therese always wrote that she didn't have friends and she saw this as a blessing because she knew she would become too attached to other "creatures" and it would take her away from God. Just a thought.

Write me anytime you want to talk.

Take care!


#11

Have you considered the possiblity that you might have Asperger's syndrome? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspergers
I know several people with it. They cannot understand social cues and it makes meeting and keeping friends extremely difficult. They often feel very isolated. If you truly have never had a friend (meaning this is not just a difficult and friendless period of your life you are going through), you might want to look into it.

I have gone through a long period of having no friends either, in highschool and college. I got bussed to an inner-city highschool for diversity and I picked a small, rural university afterwards, and I had a hard time related to anyone in either place. I knew some people, but I honestly didn't have any friends. Now that I'm married, my husband's friends have become my own and I am very happy. If it weren't for him, though, I doubt I would be have nearly as many. I tend to be quiet and shy and it makes it hard to approach people I would like to befriend. I totally understand what you're going through. Isolation is the worst feeling in the world. I thought I was destined to never have any friends, but eventually I found some. As hard as it is, you need to go out and just talk to people. If you work at it, I'm sure you can find somebody, somewhere who needs a friend too.


#12

[quote="Charlotte1776, post:11, topic:212694"]
Have you considered the possiblity that you might have Asperger's syndrome? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspergers
I know several people with it. They cannot understand social cues and it makes meeting and keeping friends extremely difficult. They often feel very isolated. If you truly have never had a friend (meaning this is not just a difficult and friendless period of your life you are going through), you might want to look into it.

I have gone through a long period of having no friends either, in highschool and college. I got bussed to an inner-city highschool for diversity and I picked a small, rural university afterwards, and I had a hard time related to anyone in either place. I knew some people, but I honestly didn't have any friends. Now that I'm married, my husband's friends have become my own and I am very happy. If it weren't for him, though, I doubt I would be have nearly as many. I tend to be quiet and shy and it makes it hard to approach people I would like to befriend. I totally understand what you're going through. Isolation is the worst feeling in the world. I thought I was destined to never have any friends, but eventually I found some. As hard as it is, you need to go out and just talk to people. If you work at it, I'm sure you can find somebody, somewhere who needs a friend too.

[/quote]

I have Aspergers and this describes me to a T.


#13

Thank you so much for your insightful replies. I am going to try to focus on forgetting myself and focusing on the other people I know. On being a good friend rather than getting one. Sometimes people feel connected to me even though I don't feel connected to them. It's nice when you have people that listen to you, though.

I will have to check on Asperger's. Do you have to get diagnosed by a specialist? Is there anyway to treat it?


#14

For me, again due to Aspergers, friendships have to center around common/shared interests. If someone doesn't share my interests, there's no chance for a friendship. That doesn't mean I'll be hostile to a person or wish bad things to happen, but rather, I won't have anything to talk to them about and won't see any "point" in interacting with them.


#15

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

I think I just counted about 8 people in this thread with a similar problem.
If I counted right I'm number 9.

For example, if I need a ride I'm basically stuck. Soon I'll need to take some old furniture to the dump with no one to help me, and I don't have a truck or van.
I've only lived in this small town for about 28 years. Soon I hope to make a friend.:shrug:

On the other hand, I had best friends in three of the schools I attended. (But that was decades ago.)
Also, when my boss and I get together we don't shut up.

I think the problem for me is in not reaching out often enough.

There **is **hope for the likes of us.


#16

Hey! This is the thread I was gonna make :D OP, you are not alone!

I find it incredibly difficult to relate to anyone. I am not sure why, and I am considering Aspergers. I have a feeling though it might be related to my dad, who is also socially unaware, and who never taught me how to interact - I was afraid of him etc etc, and I think that it rubbed off on my personality, being almost afraid of people. Not that I am afraid of people. It's bizarre.

Anyway OP, fear not. I have nobody to talk to. I remember, from June to July, a period of about 6 weeks in those months, I literally said a word to nobody. Well, I guess a few words here and there, monosyllables... but otherwise, nothing. I have no friends, nobody I can relate to, nobody I would consider real friends. What's worse, is that I have no family either (my dad and I do not speak, we have a biological relationship, rather than a Father Son emotional one). So I am on my own.

I am interested in this Aspergers thing. I don't want to self diagnose, that would be silly. But Bataar, what you said is entirely true for me. In fact, I hardly see the point in talking to many people. But then again, when I am around people sometimes, I am comfortable and funny. But only certain people. And even then, I guess its my interaction that I realise is normal. For example, when I meet up with one friend of mine, I am always pretty normal, but its weird, because I recognise she is a funny person, but I never laugh because its not funny. Very hard to explain haha. I have made myself sound silly :p

Anyway OP, keep praying if you want friends! Personally, it's not a disaster for me. I really couldn't care less. Not in a bad way, just, people in this day and age are too different from me. I dont drink, smoke, get high. Thats already 80% of what friends here do together. I like talking intelligently, I read books, I like quantum physics, I like religion, I love my faith. I already lost 95% of my peers when I said that I read books. Perhaps when I move to a big city instead of a big town full of university students things will change. It's weird though, and sad for other people I guess, I remember a friend commenting on my lack of friends and saying "but you're good looking, you should have more". Thats what friendship has come down to nowdays. No thanks. Anyway, I suspect that even though I have no friends, most people today don't either. Sure, they have people around them, and they do things like friends. But they are really friends. They are all using each other in some way. Mostly, they hate to be alone. It's the modern fear, being alone! Because people hate themselves so much, they have to fill their time constantly being with others. Guess its too early for me to speak that point clearly.

But what I mean is that most of the people I know with many friends... they aren't friends! They speak badly of each other, they lie to each other, they almost feed off each others weaknesses. And yet, they are friends. Again, no thanks!

Anyway, sorry, I went OT. I have had a lot of thinking time :thumbsup:


#17

Is it wrong for me to feel some relief that other people have the some problem as me :)

I did have a friend for several years, and then I noticed that it was always me calling him, for us to get together (about twice a year). So I decided to stop calling him, and see what happened. That was about five years ago, and I haven't heard from him.


#18

[quote="Edmundus1581, post:17, topic:212694"]
Is it wrong for me to feel some relief that other people have the some problem as me :)

I did have a friend for several years, and then I noticed that it was always me calling him, for us to get together (about twice a year). So I decided to stop calling him, and see what happened. That was about five years ago, and I haven't heard from him.

[/quote]

Not wrong at all!

And I have also experienced this. I had a friend for about 2 years in university, my only guy friend. I went through the same thought process as you. Stopped calling him 7 months ago. Haven't heard from him since. Its just the way it goes. You realise what was really going on :)


#19

I feel I also have aspergers although not officially diagnosed. It has been a blessing to me. It has brought closer to two of my best friends, Jesus and Mary.


#20

[quote="OneAugustKnight, post:1, topic:212694"]
I don't know if there is something deficient in my personality, but it seems I don't connect with anyone. I don't remember ever having a best friend, there is no one I can look to for advise, no one I can talk to about my conversion, no one calls me just to talk about how things are going, etc. You get the idea. Anyone have this problem? What do you think is wrong with me?

[/quote]

This much I know is true...the solution to Loneliness is Solitude...nothing in this world so resembles God as silence. Take heed, in the silence you learn to pray, enjoy the beauty of creation and become grateful for all that is given. In short nothing is wrong with you...you are being invited to journey inward instead of relying on external things for happiness and contentment...surrender to the journey!


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.