I have been really alone for a long time. I have some casual acquaintances, but no one I am really close to except for an ex-boyfriend. He is my best friend, though he lives about three hours away. We talk almost every day and he is a great help to me, and we visit each other every few weeks. The problem is that when we’ve been seeing each other recently, we’ve been sleeping together, and that isn’t what I want. He has a different view on the morality of the situation. I know that this will keep happening if we keep seeing each other. My problem is that he is very truly the only person in the world I have to talk to. I never thought I would sink so low so fast, but here I am. I have no idea how to fix my situation. I have been going to confession once a week or more, and praying, but nothing helps. I used to go to mass every day, and I have been trying to do that again, but it doesn’t seem to change things.
I have been praying for years for more friends. I go to social events and I talk to people, but it never goes any further than that. I find myself wondering whether God just wants me to be alone, or whether my prayers aren’t answered because there is no God. I have a very demanding job (teacher in an impoverished school) and I talk to people all day, but still feel so alone. No one ever calls me, and I have no one to call. I’ve just spent the whole day crying in bed even though I have a lot of work to do before school starts again on Monday.
I live in a tiny room in a tiny apartment. I wish I had some space to walk around. I never really talk to my family. I just feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t see anything positive in my life and nothing ever changes. I don’t know how to change it. If there is a God, why doesn’t he help me or why can’t I see it when He does? I can’t make anything good spiritually come from this loneliness. If this is my trial, I am not good enough for it. It leads me into so many sins. It is never going to stop unless I change, and I can’t change.