I’ll try to be brief, but this is so messed up that I have to be a little verbose to explain my situation properly.
I’ve been a “sometimes” Catholic, well, at least since leaving Catholic elementary school long ago. My wife of 30 years and I did raise our children Catholic, my wife even taught for many years. But we didn’t go to church every Sunday.
Until my son was killed on his motorcycle 2 years ago. I became very very angry at God while at the same time praying, attending church almost daily, saying the rosary…I had to find out that my son was ok. I believe in heaven and hell and I’m sure my beautiful son is in heaven. But my depression was so deep and so dark that I began to pray to God to give me some fatal disease. Living was just too hard, despite the psychiatrists, the grief counselors and the group therapy.
I had known a friend, a lady friend and only a friend who became so moved at my son’s funeral that she converted from a kind of hedonistic lifestyle to Catholic. And yes, converts are like ex smokers…zero tolerance from any deviation from the faith. Which makes what happened next all the more strange. We fell in love. Seriously, totally, hopelessly in love. Nothing physical, but total soul mates. I found my only happiness in her presence. I even began to think about divorce so we could be together.
But then God took a hand and answered my prayer. I have a stage 4 inoperable brain tumor. With treatment, I have maybe 2 years with all the effects of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Without treatment, 5-10 months.
I’m terrified, confused and lost. Should I divorce my wife of 30 years and be with the person I truly love, the person who makes me happy? Should I stay in this very tense and difficult marriage and live out my days in misery? I’ve been praying to God for guidance, yet I remain as confused as ever. I’m not afraid to die. I know I’ll see my son. But I don’t know how to finish my life. Do I deserve some happiness? Please give me your insight.