I don't know what to think, say or feel


#1

I am married to a wonderful man, however, I feel upset whenever he goes out to hang out with his friends. I understand that he works and all, but I guess I feel sort of jeolous that he gets to go hang out with his buddies and I stay at home. I hang out with my friends on special occasions, which are very rare. For example, I get to see them whenever there is either a baby shower or a bridal shower, or even for my children’s birthday parties. These special occasions are very very rare. A couple of times during the year. My concern/question is am I being a brat by thinking that it is unfair that he gets to hang out with his friends more often than I do (like 5 times a month)? Or I am right to feel this way?

I am pregnant with our third child and very much confused about how I feel about all this.

As simple as all this may sound to most, I feel that it just breaks me whenever he hangs out with his friends. It is like it has become almost annoying for me to hear that he is or is going to hang out with his friends.

By the way, his friends are good people, but all are single (except for one who is divorced and ex-wife has custody over their children). I have even told him at times “why don’t you tell your friends to get a girlfriend?” It gets to my nerves that they can sleep until late and they don’t have children to wake them up the next morning. I tell my husband that he has children who want to spend time with him as much as possible since he works alot and whenever he comes home he is exhausted. He does spend time with them, he probably has more patience than I do, however, I feel that sometimes he just wants time for himself away from us his family, but I guess I get jeolous because I don’t make time for myself that easily…:frowning:


#2

**Hi housewife! How often does he go out? Is it weekly? Monthly? I think it is normal for a guy to want to go out um, let’s say once a month with the guys but more than that would be a problem in our house. I am just like you, I haven’t been out with “the girls” in ages, honestly I can’t tell you the last time I went out.

Another thing I thought of is if he wants to spend time with them frequently why doesn’t he have them over to your place and play cards or watch sports and that way he is still home w/ you and the kids and maybe his friends will get an idea of the importance of family by seeing a family “together” and it could hopefully “rub off on them” how great it really is???

I do feel bad for you being in this situation. My DH (mirror mirror) hardly ever goes out, because he loves to spend time as a family, especially since in another month from now he will be working a second job in the late evenings. He knows that and wants to spend as much time as possible as a family now.

Also, I would assume that you stay at home, correct? Then YOU work hard too!! (not just him working hard) Your job is 24/7 and I am sure you never get a ‘lunch break’ or a whole night off. I know I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not mad about it ( I love my job, I wouldn’t trade it for the world) but it would be nice once in awhile to just have a night off with the girls and not have to worry about a thing, know what I mean?

Have you talked to your DH about this? Does he know it bothers you that he gets to go out so frequently??**


#3

Have you discussed this with your husband? I think you need to do this. I agree with the other poster, once a week is too much, he needs to understand that his life is different than his single buddies. And he needs to let you have a night a month out with your friends. This is only fair, and healthy for both of you and your family.

If you don’t get this out on the table, resentment is going to build up in you and an explosion is going to happen, you don’t want that if at all possible.


#4

A grown man with a wife and children doesn’t need to ‘hang out with friends’. Adolescence is over. He needs to grow up!


#5

I would say an occasional night out “with the boys” is ok. But if it bothers you, then it is a problem. I would also have to say, being pregnant also makes you extra sensitive to where your hubby is and what he’s doing. Talk to him as I am sure you have , and tell him exactly how you feel in no uncertain terms, so he knows exactly how you feel. In the mean time, I will pray for you.
Kathy


#6

I would agree with other posters. If you have only mentioned to him that he needs to make sure he spends time with the kids after he goes out and he does so…he may think that you have no problem with this arrangement. Maybe sit down and say how you truely feel when you go out and add that you love that he has good friends to spend time with (if these are truely holesome friends, as you implied, it is a good thing) and you would like the opportunity to do the same (he will probably understand the need to have a night of friend time). Maybe discuss setting numbers of days a month/“curfew at night”. Maybe discuss starting something with married friends (a “parents night” you could both enjoy together --> if you trust one, maybe he could ask one of his friends to babysit, or find someone else to do so). Or perhaps begin inviting some married friends over for games/dinner --> it seems men have a harder time creating new friendships then do women (it could be that we tend to talk twice as much ;)) and this could help start new/extended group of friends that would have similar lifestyles. You can even try going for ones that you know have something in common with your dh (sports/hunting/golf/etc).

I think sometimes we all need time to ourselves. I would feel as you did if dh didn’t let me visit friends occasionaly and went out weekly…IF I had first established my desire to do so, clearly, with him. That being said, I know I was oversensitive during my pregnancy, so for me, that would have played a role in my feelings. Hope all goes well,

God bless!


#7

Thanks to all of your responses. I have talked to him about it and he has told me to just tell him whenever I want to hang out with my friends to like have dinner or at one of their homes. I tell him that I feel strange doing that given that I know my responsibilities and I feel that I might just not enjoy spending time with my friends as much as I enjoy being with my family. He is very encouraging about me planning some time for me while he takes care of the kids.

I feel much better this morning. He was only out for a couple of hours, but I was just feeling too down last night :shrug:


#8

May I ask whether you told him about telling him that you feel strange doing that given that you know your responsibilities because you feel that that is what he is doing? It’s wonderful to enjoy time with family, but I don’t think that friends should be left completely out of the picture. Rather, friends can provide us with support, relaxation, and encouragement, so that we can meet our responsibilities and daily tasks with renewed enthusiasm.

I agree…my family is by far the number one group of people I enjoy spending time with (albiet we are only 3 right now), but while I originally kind of forced myself to make occasional time for friends following pregnancy/birth, it has had a very positive impact on my mothering and my role as wife. I have people to share and discuss my faith, my trials, my joys, and also those that I can help with what little experience I have. I have a girlfriend to vent to when I’m just feeling emotional and don’t want to stress my hubby (he’s the “tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it” type and doesn’t understand how sometimes I just need to get what’s going on in my head out :D). I have adult conversation when he’s at work on those days that I am feeling talkative…and though my son is super expressive, I need more than a five word vocabulary sometimes ;).

It’s so wonderful that you have a husband who wants to help you have you time and is willing to help you have the freedom he has (regarding visiting with friends)! Ah, the joys of emotional highs and lows that is being a woman :).

God bless,


#9

you have a great guy! hold onto him!!!

prayers for you… God bless! :thumbsup:


#10

As a woman/ mom who has spent much of her life worrying about others and not myself, I say, take him up on it.

Somehow, I grew up thinking that doing things for myself was selfish. There’s selfish and there’s self care. I never learned self care. It sounds like your hubby is fine w/ you taking care of yourself. You should be, too :wink: . --KCT


#11

Here’s how I see it:

Your husband likes to spend time out with his friends, maybe one night a week.

He encourages you to do the same, but you don’t want to.

You resent his friends’ singleness and their ability to be carefree.

Your husband, however, does not act in a carefree manner becaues he does spend time with the kids and help you. And, wants you to have time with your friends too.

You don’t want him to go out, and your reason seems to be “because”.

To me, your complaints seem irrational. If you think 1x per month is too much, then tell him it’s not about you going out more but about him going out less. But, if you do so, be prepared with an actual reason and not “because you aren’t single”. That’s not a reason. Friendships are important to maintain-- they give you balance. It seems you are the one who lacks balance, if you won’t even call up your girlfriends to go out for a dinner once a month w/o the kids.


#12

She said she’s pregnant. Hormone issues could be at work
here :wink: . —KCT


#13

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with friends being single unless maybe you’re worrying that they might go to bad places or some of those friends are female and seeking. I can’t see what their getting a girlfriend could change for the better. :wink: In fact, “getting a girlfriend,” would be using her since the only good reason for having a girlfriend is the kind of love which looks at marriage.

As for it breaking you apart when he goes out, I had the same thing with my last girlfriend. Whenever she went out with friends, something broke in me. I suppose it had something to do with her never (seemingly) having enough time for me, but always having for friends, and spending time with friends rather than with me when having to choose. Part of the reason was that we couldn’t go out together because it was a long-distance relationship and it seemed to me she preferred to go out without me rather than spend time talking with me on the Internet without going out.

I suppose sometimes people need to take some rest. They need a break… Well, yeah, but part of the reason it annoys the others so much is that they feel left out or underappreciated. Maybe you would like your husband to go out with you for a change? Maybe you aren’t happy with the fact that he goes out but doesn’t take you with himself? Or doesn’t offer to take you anywhere?

My own impression was that I was good enough for talking about problems and about life, but wasn’t good enough for having fun with me. It was breaking me apart that having fun was automatically disconnected from me, at least in my eyes. I think you shouldn’t let yourself think like that - I don’t think he sees you as a part of mundane reality, but I suppose he should give you more time and attention and actually put some effort in developing a social life together with you. You’re married after all.

But on the other hand don’t let yourself put on him what’s in fact your burden, such as the fact you don’t go out so much. Who knows, maybe he wouldn’t mind if you went out as much as he does. That could be not so bad.

Anyway, I suppose you need to talk. :slight_smile:


#14

:smiley: I just came to realize that I am being a brat! I have the opportunity to spend time with friends and I think I should atleast once a month. I will.

2 hours is enough for me to spend with friends, like have dinner and/or go shopping or something of that sort.

His friends are good guys.

I am wrong…to feel the way I feel about him having some relax time with his good friends…:o I have just admitted it and feel so much better for doing so.

Thank you all!


#15

It sounds a bit like you’re convincing yourself and you still don’t fully agree with it. :wink: Don’t blame yourself for feeling the way you do: just investigate the reasons why it happens. And don’t call yourself names. :wink: To get over it fully, you need to find a solution you will believe in. If you convince yourself, partly by force, to believe something, you will get back to the previous status after some time.

At any rate, find out what’s wrong. Don’t just take the whole blame on yourself. Sometimes we do just that because it’s difficult for us to imagine that our loved ones could actually do something wrong. Well, they could. They’re humans. As fallible as we are. We can’t challenge them with superhuman expectations. On the other hand, I’m not saying you were right and he was wrong, nope. Just talk it out with him and sort it out. Make sure you don’t need to force yourself to accept the solution. Don’t violate your own mind. :slight_smile:


#16

Not sure what you meant by wishing his friends to “get a girlfriend” but that phrase struck a nerve with me, so here I go with my little story:

This was years ago but here I go…I had a friend who’s boyfriend (now husband) did not like her to spend much time with me because I was single. That changed dramatically when he heard I was dating someone…he encouraged her to see me and was always inviting us over for couples-nights! When we broke up and I was single again he was back to not liking me as much.

I know you are pregnant and hurting and that you admitted your husband was a wonderful man. I am not writing this to correct you…I am just hoping my experience may help you. I just felt the need to share my story so you could perhaps re-think how you view your husband’s single friends. I wanted to mention this because it made me so sad when I was single that people looked at me this way. Somehow people assumed I was hot-to-trot and always on the make and I was a bad influence on my friends, this was very hurtful to me.

Secondly, it is not always so easy to “get a girl/boy friend!”. Sometimes my single times were lonely times. I was jealous of my friends who had someone special to love and who had children. I was not married until I was 34 so I had many years of this treatment from certain people. Single does not mean you are an immoral person, just a single one.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts if you even made it this far in my post…I know this was not the primary reason for your post but what you wrote really brought up old feelings in me and how people used to see me sometimes and I wanted to share. Thank you and congratulations on your new upcoming baby, I will keep you in my prayers.


#17

Congratulations on the upcoming baby! You have your hands full, and having three children myself, I can totally sympathize. It’s exhausting. And part of you, the very human part, resents that somehow he’s having fun when you aren’t.

Well, there are many solutions to this. First of all, good for him for not dropping his single friends when he got married. Too many people get kicked out of the friendship club and the world acts like it’s an ark and if you don’t have a matching set, you’re not allowed on. Now that I am single again, I find many married couples are not interested in friendship. It can be very lonely being single and trying to live a moral life. We don’t necessarily want a bed partner, but conversation would be nice!

Each month, you need to sit down with a calendar. And circle his nights out with the guys. First rule: No last minute nights out.

Then on one of those nights, say “Oh. I was hoping WE could go out on a date that night, just us! I want to spend time with you also!” And do it! Get a babysitter. And then both of you do something. Fun!!! Repeat: FUN! This is essential to your marriage. He needs to remember that you are fun to be with.

Secondly, on one of those nights out with the buddies, you need to say “Let’s have them here for a home-cooked dinner and you can watch the game.” The singles might actually enjoy real food for a change. And they might actually talk to you! They could have dating questions, women issues and stuff they’d like to get YOUR opinion on. This could be the basis for lasting friendships that continue as they get girlfriends and fiancees and then you can go to their weddings. And you and your husband can serve as wonderful role models paving the way for them to see that marriage isn’t the end of fun, but the beginning of better fun.

Then on the two remaining nights out, YOU make plans to take the kids to visit a friend, or have another mom over for popcorn and movies and chat time with your friend. YOU need to keep your circle of friends going. Or if you have family in town, it’s your chance for dinner with mom and dad and the kids. Something that you wouldn’t do with your husband tagging along.

The key is you have these activities planned. On the calendar. This is the beginning of your social life as a married couple. Your time away from each other is just as important as your time together. It will happen for many reasons, not just job. What you do with it is your choice. It’s all how you view it. Take lemons and make lemonade.

Eventually those guy friends may marry. Things will change. So will you. Right now, give yourself permission to take care of your needs also. It sounds like he is very nice and supportive of this. Not all husbands are! It isn’t selfish to refill the well. Your husband and children will have nothing if your well runs dry.

This isn’t a big calamity. It shows your relationship is maturing beyond the exclusivity of engagement and newlywed hibernation. Go for it! Be a fun COUPLE! Not two individuals with their own social lives. Or worse, one individual with a social life and one very upset mommy.


#18

This is such a great idea. Before my husband’s best single friend moved a hefty drive away, we used to have him over for dinner and a movie fairly regularly. The poor guy cannot cook to save his life, so I would cook something that I knew he liked (which he was always glad to get), and then the three of us would crack open beers and watch a comedy or action flick. DH’s friend (all of his friends, really) is a really decent guy and we always had fun when he visited.

Maybe it did rub off on him. Since then he’s gotten a girlfriend who is an absolutely lovely lady, and to whom he has just proposed (and she accepted!). :thumbsup:


#19

And after dinner, I’d laugh and say “I cooked. Now you all can load the dishwasher and clean up. Let’s see if men really can do it better.” That would be fun to watch.

Or make them cook. Barbecue. Men always like to cook when danger is involved. Make them cook extra and freeze it to thaw for the nights it’s just you and the kids. No use eating chicken nuggets all the time!

You’ll get another good dinner, and a nice memory of a fun time with friends.


#20

**I am still curious as to how often your (housewife) DH goes out? If it is really frequent, that may be cause for you to have concern or hard feelings…do his friends ever come over to hang out at your house? Or is it always out at a restaurant/bar setting? **


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