I don't mean to be a downer, but


#1

Why does it seem like the majority or at least half of marriages have infidelity? Why is there sooo much of it. I get so depressed when I hear of yet another man is cheating on his wife… I know, it happens the other way around too, but why does it seem men struggle more with this? There are soo many posts on this forum where another woman is posting about their cheating husband.

My dad had multiple affairs, his brother did it, my mom’s brother did it, my grandfather did it, and my husband’s father did it…is it a curse? I’m sorry, maybe I’m having a bad day, but I have always had this fear that what if my husband does it someday…I think it’s because there has been so much of it in my own family, and I have been so hurt by it.:mad:

Thanks for listening.


#2

I don’t know anyone who has had an affair-- in my family or among my friends. So, I would disagree that it seems half of marriages have infidelity.

Infidelity can have many causes. I think contraception, feminism, legalized abortion, and many other societal factors have led to the increase in these types of clandestine liaisons.


#3

I am SO sorry all this has happened to you! :console: It hurts me to see that you are hurting so. Just remember, no matter how unfaithful others are to you, Jesus remains faithful. There’s a scripture verse that says something like this “even if your mother should forsake you, I will never forsake you.” Now a mother forsaking us would be the biggest cross we could imagine, but, even then, God said He wouldn’t leave us. Powerful words I think! :slight_smile:

Well I am with you on the rise of infidelity in marriage. But, not with the “men having more trouble with it than women.” Just look at that awful show “desperate housewives.” You don’t have to go beyond the previews to realize how unfaithful these gals are with their spouses. Hollywood is full of unfaithful women. But, not just hollywood, women are unfaithful everywhere.

But, again, you are right on there being a great increase of infidelity in marriage. And, I honestly cannot give a good reason. The same sins of married couples that prevail today, were present hundreds, and thousands of years ago. The only thing I can think of is that maybe (with t.v. and especially internet) it is just so much easier to be unfaithful. You used to actually have to meet up with the person, now you can be unfaithful in your own home.

I don’t think its new, just MUCH easier to do.


#4

I really think there are a few reasons for infidelity in a marriage… and some of them are the fault of the “innocent” party. When I was younger it was drilled into my head that I should only date within my faith… did I listen? No! Yet I married a “Catholic” man for all the wrong reasons(who, as it turned out, switched to pagan right after we were married). My mother never taught me the importance of being equally yoked spiritually… she was too concerned in teaching me to find a man with money. My dad tried to teach me, but he didn’t know how to talk to me about it and we often ended up in fights over it. I am the only one divorced in my family… the rest either by chance or choice married people with faith to match theirs… which in some cases isn’t much.

Living with someone before marriage is also not a good choice, I think it weakens the family before it even starts… you know the old saying… Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?.. We as women don’t have the proper respect for ourselves or our husbands. Men on the otherhand have it drilled into them to get “it” if they can and to get as much of “it” as they can with as many women as possible.

We don’t have close families anymore…nobody like grandpa to teach you to be a man, or grandma to hold you to standards. It is all about a breakdown of the family…and one other thing: the lack of consequences with ABC and abortion. They are a plague of our morals.

So the real question is how do we fix it, right? Well, we raise our children with morals. Don’t be afraid to be politically incorrect… abortion is evil, sex before marriage is wrong, cheating before the wedding is a good indicator of cheating after the vows, ABC is wrong, children are a blessing not a possession, etc. Teach our sons and daughters how precious their virginity is and how it can only be their first time once…what a wedding gift! Teach them that marriage is not a contract, it is a covenant and every marriage covenant is between a man, a woman and God for all time. Teach our sons to respect women and our daughters to respect themselves and men. Reducing a relationship down to sex is so cheap!!!

Lead by example…even if you are a single parent. Don’t have dates sleep over or have sex before marriage yourself. If you are married, your children will learn how to respect and treat others by your example. Make sure your spouse or the person you are dating believes as you do about all the important subjects like faith and child rearing. Show that you value that person for their morals…not their looks or wallet.


#5

Hi there luvmykids.
Yes, it is rampant in today’s society.

First of all, I really hope your husband doesn’t follow in the way of the family. It’s such a pitty if that happens!!
I know, my father did it and one of my grandfathers too. It really tears families appart!

You do have a unique oppurtunity to be pro-active try and stop the process. Rather than be reactive and having to deal with the reprocussions.

Not much work to be done either, basically try all you can to make sure he deosn’t go looking for these thigns elsewhere.
Now, please people, I’m not saying that this is the cause of affairs, some husbands are just *****holes to start with and don’t care about their families enough to keep their flies zipped.

But, if there is something you can do, then I encourage you to do it.

I would recomend the book “The five love lanuages”, amongst other things. Basically you find out what “love language” our partner speaks and you make sure that you give him/her the kind of love they need/want/crave/yearn for. Also “the proper feeding and care of husbands” was recomended to my wife.

Basically my point is that If someone can prevent these horrible things from happening, they shoud try…

I’m in the situation now where I’m saying “where did it go wrong”? (Neither me or my wife has cheated, but the intimacy is not there anymore.)

Husbands and wifes, keep each other happy and satisfied in the way they need to be satisfied.

All the best!
PM


#6

Thank you for the response. I felt very loved just now:D It was the reminder about Jesus never never forsaking me that did it!

I just received some news about a family member today that put me in this little funk. Then, I came across a post about it here. I have been so much surrounded by it my whole life and I just couldn’t imagine EVER crossing that line. Why get married if you don’t have the conviction about COMMITMENT till the end! And the other way around, I couldn’t imagine starting a relationship with a man I knew was married. How could anyone be with a man knowing he is with someone else. Even if he is telling you he doesn’t love the person any more. How do you really know? Especially if they are lying to their wives!

I worry about my kids, as I’m sure we all do, but for me, it’s more so in the areas of sexual sins. As I’ve said it is something that has been so hurtful in my life. I want them to be protected from it. I pray, pray, and pray!


#7

Mainly because there are so few true men today.


#8

I read “The proper care and feeding of husbands” a few years ago…It was a good book. Putting it into practice on a regular basis (perfectly) isn’t always too easy for me, (keeping my legs shaved on a daily basis for example), but I try. I never read the othe book. I will have to look into it.


#9

I am so sorry you’ve had a lot of pain and untrust in your life and in your family. I pray for your healing of heart and mind.

In the circles I run in, I can’t think of any guys (or maybe one - but I don’t know for sure) who have had affairs. I do know of quite a few that have divorced. Of course we are busy Dads at work, church, baseball games with kids, church organizations, choirs, etc. Who has the time for an affair? We’d really like to spend more time with our wives!! LOL

I’ve also heard that sometimes the affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage and not the cause of the break up. I pray that people put more time and effort in their own marriage and respect that marriage bond above all instead of spending time and energy on how to sneak around - wouldn’t that be a better use of time?

Hoping you find peace and comfort and find a level of trust with those close to you.


#10

:eek: Shaving your legs daily…now that IS a devoted wife! I can’t say the same on that one. :o

However, I am very interested in this book. My husband is TOO nice and laid back when it comes to me. Meaning, nothing I do or don’t do is ever wrong. :confused: In other words…he has spoiled me so much…I loose track of basic things I should be doing for him. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? :confused:


#11

Before hubby grew a beard I would tease him on days he didn’t shave and tell him that him not shaving means I don’t have to either :smiley: Now he never shaves, so… :eek: NOT!

Luvmykids, I absolutely think it could be a generational curse (it could be other things too, though). If you ever get the chance, go to a generational healing Mass with your husband and children. My husband’s grandfather was a Freemason, and when someone joins the Freemasons, they cause a curse on their descendants. We only found out about that recently, and shortly thereafter we were invited to a generational healing Mass. It was basically a regular Mass with many extra prayers of forgiveness and some other ones too. Let me know if you would like any more information.


#12

I’m that husband…and I think it’s starting to bite me in the derrier…


#13

Would you mind sharing how? It’s really interesting to me. Now, my mother didn’t teach me to be the “1950’s Good Housekeeping Housewife” (as that is extreme!) But she did teach me to take good care of my husband. So I am always apollogizing when I didn’t clean one day, or have dinner ready, or whatever. But he keeps say “Now we don’t worry about stuff like that.” or “Do I care about that?”

He also doesn’t care about my appearance, like the appearance of the house. He only cares about me as a person, and my feelings, the good of our future children, and our faith. That’s it. Which is good, very good. I thank God for him everyday. However, I am realy torn. He is SO laid back when it comes to me and my “duties.” I love him for it, but I feel I am not doing what I ought. I just don’t know what that “ought” is anymore. :confused:

Any help here is most appreciated from you or any posters. Please PM me about it though, as I don’t want to take up OP’s thread any longer. :thumbsup:


#14

Spend some time talking to a priest, listening to Catholic radio and get some good books about marriage, written from a Catholic perspective.

At one time, when what we believed was taken as being really important, dating and marriage were not trivial things. You did not live together before marriage. You did not have sex before marriage.

Abortion began as a “use in case of emergency only” and then became “abortion on demand” for any reason, and even if the baby is only inches away from being born.

Divorce was also for “emergencies only,” then it became “no-fault divorce,” sign here.

Fidelity to your wife was also viewed as more important. But thanks to a media that shows it as “just one of those things, what are you going to do,” men need to wake up and realize their marriage vows before God and man.

Also, commitment is being marketed as optional. “Hey, if the marriage doesn’t work, we’ll just get a divorce.” That is not a good thing if you’re planning on a lifelong, committed relationship.

Jesus said, “Why do you say to me Lord, Lord and do not the things I tell you?” And, “If you love me keep my commandments.”

God bless,
Ed


#15

Because we live in a fallen world…and this is the devil’s domain…It is truly saddening, but with God…anyone can change…and become a better Disciple for Christ. I believe this.


#16

One real shame with fidelity and perhaps especially male fidelity is our unserstanding of sexuality. Many people have already lost their virginity before marriage, this creates a problem, especially when it was with multiple people.

I was somewhat older when I had my first kiss (like over 20). It was amusing because I was out on a picnic with my girlfriend and knew she wanted me to kiss her, I’d known she wanted me to kiss her for weeks. There were 2 reasons we hadn’t kissed yet:

  1. I knew we had to take things slow, b/c we’re so strongly attracted to one another.

  2. B/c I honestly didn’t know how to kiss…and yes I understood that one had to do, but couldn’t help from wanting to laugh at how awkward it all seemed.

    I remember asking a girl out the first time - really really hard. The next time, pretty simple, and not cause I liked her less.
    Same with saying I love you.
    Same with kissing girls (I’d expect, I’m actually still dating the first girl I kissed).

    So, once I have sex with someone I expect that doing so again will be easier. If one has a one night stand, the second time will be easier. If one visits a prostitue, the 2nd time will be easier. And heaven forbid, one cheats on their marriage, I’m sure the 2nd time would also be easier.

    So, having had 6 partners before getting married, will mean that I’m used to going to new girls. While a man or woman who’s only had sex with their spouse will be less sure of even how they attempt cheating.

    Beside the “experience” factor. Another factor is the “Porn Ambivalence”. I’ve multiple men (dad, uncles, friends) in my environment who think that seeing naked women is okay if it isn’t explicit porn (and a few are okay with explicit porn or strip clubs). So, when there are sex scenes are on tv, they don’t change it. They think I’m crazy when I say I’m not comming to see their R rated movie b/c it’s got nudity. They actually claim it’s no problem and also claim they don’t lust for the nude women they are leering over.

I think these 2 factors are both prevalent in society and are leading to millions of divorces. :frowning:


#17

You are right. When men and women are led so far away from the truth, they sometimes don’t notice it. Besides, if everyone around you thinks it’s OK, you will be looked at funny.

Adultery, according to the Bible, means even looking at a woman with lust in your heart.

I encourage you not to go to R rated movies? Why? Because most are filled with lust, fornication and a lot of cussing and swearing. Once again, so many people now think it’s OK. But the Bible also tells us to not follow the crowd in doing evil.

If the people around you are doing things you know to be wrong, I encourage you to do what you know is right. I suggest getting a few good books about pornography and its effect on men and books dealing with the immorality so common in society today.

I think you know the Ten Commandments. They are meant to remind us to do what God tells us is right. It’s for our good as well as to show our love for God. Read the Bible and meditate on it. A little at a time. You may even look into joining a Bible study or prayer group. We are told to encourage one another.

God bless,
Ed


#18

Why does it seem like the majority or at least half of marriages have infidelity? Why is there sooo much of it. I get so depressed when I hear of yet another man is cheating on his wife… I know, it happens the other way around too, but why does it seem men struggle more with this? There are soo many posts on this forum where another woman is posting about their cheating husband.

Enabling, or lack of real communication.

Not pulling your weight as 1/2 of a commitment, and allowing the other partner… (with false hope of “someday things will be different”), or having the strength to air what is on your mind.

I’m not talking about being a suppressive NAG, but there is something genuinely missing between the bond of these people. Something strong enough to drive one to stray.

It’s not Porn. It’s not TV or Cable. It’s not society’s current mode of dress - and the attractions of those who wear them… It’s the fact that there are two people who for whatever reason can’t come to a compromise with eachother. Because of this one or the other turns to the aforementioned outlets to fulfill a need.


#19

I don’t think we, as Catholics, should be vague about this. In the past, there was:

Dating, to get to know each other, not for sex.

Engagement, and real discussion about you plans for the future.

Meeting each other’s parents, or, if that wasn’t possible, talking to a priest.

Marriage, with a clear, both eyes open, commitment, and understanding that this will be a lot of work, and prayer, and disagreements, and more work, based on really caring for the other person as now being a part of you.

The Bible tells us to flee fornication. The influence of the people around you cannot be underestimated. It affects everyone to some degree.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
Ed


#20

As I said before, there are few true men left.


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