[quote="jmjMom, post:1, topic:214345"]
....so, my sister pickes abusive, controlling men. She just left her husband with whom she has three children. Last week, he was arrested for raping a co-worker, who ran away from him, bit and hit him to get away, hit him with a paint can--a pretty clear "no."
So, I'm reading the online article and one of the comments written by a woman says that the victim probably led him on. And, writer herself was once raped and she wrote that she was partly responsible for it.
My Bil was very controlling and isolating with my sister. She couldn't even go to the grocery store.We weren't allowed to visit her or to know where they were living. My sister left on the day he took her away her phone--her only communication with the outside world. She and the kids, btw, were living in a rundown shack with no running water or cooking facilities outside of a microwave. I asked my sister if her husband was ever physically violent with her. She said emphatically, "no!" Then, she paused and said, "well, he'd force himself on me in bed."
What is going on with these women??!!?
I've read the magazine articles and watched the Oprah episodes, but my sister doesn't fit what I would expect of an abused woman. My dad is a very gentle, kind and patient man. My sister wasn't sexually abused or physically abused as a child. We had a fun, very average upbringing as middle class Americans.
What makes a woman accept abusive situations and what makes a woman say that a rape victim probably led him on?
This is confusing to me.
I wonder if the relationships a woman chooses as a teen affects her brain development. My sister chose slimeballs in high school, too.
There can be all kinds of reasons for accepting abusive relationships. Some of them might have to do with a feeling of insecurity. Maybe your sister thought she was not pretty, or smart, or something growing up and she acts that out by dating and marrying guys who are abusive. Damaging messages for girls can come from the culture in general, like TV shows and fashion magazines, as well as school. It isn't just the family.
The abuse is not her fault, but it's a lot better that she and the kids are out of it and I hope it stays that way.
As for the rape victim who made that comment - there is a belief that people who have been through rape will support each other but that is often not the case. People who have been raped can minimize someone else's pain b/c they have not dealt with their own pain and they feel the need to say that rape is no big deal. Which is ridiculous but if someone needs to do that for her (or his, b/c males are also raped, unfortunately) own psychological needs, they will blow off other people's pain.
There is a term called victim-blame which refers to the tendency of other people to blame the victim of a crime, but especially rape b/c people tend to get more intense blame for that than they do for other crimes. People who have been raped are capable of victim blame, as well as other people. They might feel shame about their own rape(s) and deal with that by attacking someone else who talks about rape.
Some people feel that rape should be a shameful secret and if a person talks about it openly, that she or he is doing something wrong. It sounds like that woman felt responsible for her own assault (which, I don't know if that is reasonable) and reacting by attacking someone else. That's a bad way to react and it shows she has not processed her own issues. I think sometimes for rape survivors, someone else's discussion of rape is painful and hits a little too close to home.
There is a book called After Silence: rape and my journey back by Nancy Venable Raine. That book is interesting b/c it does not focus on the rape itself, although that is discussed, but on her attempts to talk about it and the number of people in different situations who wanted her to be quiet and/or go away.
Some people are very supportive though. Some rape survivors and other people will really support someone who has been through it.
As for your sister, you and/or she would probably need counseling to try to figure out why she did this. A therapist may or may not be able to make a guess (which would only be a guess, most likely) about her reasons from talking to you, b/c you would have information about your sister and your family. Also, a lot of people don't see rape in marriage as "real" but it is. There is a book called Real Rape, Real Pain that addresses this.
Best of luck to you.