… but, in the quiet moments and especially prayer, I feel pulled towards it. I want to be a father, and the prospect of being Father ________ terrifies me. I know every man is my brother, but to become Brother ________ is not my plan.
How can I tell whether or I’m being pulled by guilt or scrupulosity or pride? How can I train my prudential judgment to really discern what forces are at work here?
I ask here and not my parish priest because:
*]The TLM I attend doesn’t have a single priest, and it isn’t its own parish.
*]I attend church Sundays with my stable, wonderful girlfriend. There’s no good way to break away to talk to the priest without her finding out. I don’t want to worry her — she doesn’t have faith, really, and attends Mass as a polite courtesy to me. This is some devotion, too. We aren’t talking jokey homilies and fuzzy liturgy but the dark chocolate of the TLM.
*]Since college, I’ve drifted from one plan to another. Two years ago I was a photographer, and dedicated to that. Since then, the plan was law school, and I’d be attending law school next fall if all goes according to plan. Knowing this, the following has greater impact:
*]I’ve only recently been coming back to Mass — since late October — and it feels silly to ask. Am I on the upswing of excitement? Is it really just enthusiasm about being a Catholic?
In writing this I feel like I’m rationalizing it away. By even forming the questions I feel like I’m in denial. Honestly, I don’t think the answers to my questions matter, or that they would change anything. Really, I’d want some guidance.