"I don't want to be friends!"


#1

There is a person in my life whom I’ll call Anon. She is a good Christian (as far as what she understands being a Christian means as a Baptist), and there is nothing that I can place my finger on that is intrinsically “bad” about her. However, I get this nagging feeling to avoid her like the plague, and have stopped accepting her phone calls and have basically been avoiding her at all costs.

I normally don’t base decisions on my feelings, because those change depending on the day and the weather and circumstances, but this is one of those feelings that I just cannot shake, and I have tried. I have only had this exact feeling with one other person, and he ended up stalking me for awhile (until he was reminded that my dad is an ex-cop and still has ties to the local police force)…

I guess part of my concern is this: as I was preparing for my next Confession this morning using my 1962 missal, I came upon “refused to speak to others” regarding the 5th commandment. For those of you with the Baronius Press version, it’s on page 67. Am I trying to make this too broad a statement or am I exercising prudence in dealing with (or rather, lack thereof) Anon?

Thanks in advance for any help given!

God Bless!
Ericka


#2

Friendships come and go, and not always because of a problem or falling out. Our stage in life changes, our priorities change, our interests change. We sometimes find we just don’t have the same things in common anymore or time to devote to acquaintances or whatever.

But, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. I think it’s a little extreme to cut off all contact with her for no reason and without provocation. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to find out what is wrong or if she offended you.

Can you articulate what it is that bothers you?


#3

Not really well… as I said, it is a nagging feeling mostly. And besides, I never considered Anon a friend from the start. I have known her for all of 2 months. The first time we met she asked me to stay the night. Keep in mind she asked this about 10 minutes in our conversation, and was very hurt when I politely declined it. As far as I knew at that point, she could have been a murderer or been cooking meth (very big problem around here) at her place. Although, I wasn’t too far from the truth on the last one, as her husband does sell illegal drugs (and I didn’t know this until after I went over to her apartment the first, and last time).

Seeing her interact with others makes me aware that I’m not the only one that feels this way. Yes, I don’t know what others think, but studying psychology and drama for the time I have has made me pretty good at reading body language, and it’s a clear sign to me that when she comes within about 2-3 feet from others and their posture stiffens, along with crossing their arms (creating a barrier to “protect” themselves) that they feel as uncomfortable around her as I do. And some of these folks have known her for several years.

I live in the same apartment building as her aunt, too, and a month after I met Anon, I was warned by her aunt to not get involved with her. Everytime she sees me going out, she says “I hope you’re not seeing Anon”. If her aunt said this, and everything I posted above wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Others have commented on how “needy” she is, too, and some have showed me their received numbers on their cells, and on average she called about 20 times a day.

Any one of these one their own wouldn’t be enough to keep me from seeking a friendship with her. But all of them put together, and well… it extremely concerns me…

ARUGH!!! Why do human relationships have to be so difficult and complicated??

God Bless!
Ericka


#4

Sounds like you have good reason to avoid. It’s okay to just pray for her. It sounds like she needs a counsellor more than a friend.


#5

Your first post and your second post bear no resemblence to each other.

In your first post she’s a nice Christian and there’s nothing you can place your finger on except a nagging feeling.

In your second post, she’s a needy hanger-on whose own aunt has warned you against her, has a drug-dealer husband, and has boundary issues.

The advice you get has a direct relationship to the information you give.


#6

:blush: I should have been more thorough in the first post, but right now IRL I am fighting against a tendancy of gossiping about others (although I suppose this doesn’t really constitue gossip, since people in internet-land don’t know her at all). Both posts are about the same person, I promise. I guess before your question of articulating what bothers me about her I didn’t really give it much thought at all… just major warning feelings that I didn’t really explore… or maybe I already knew everything in the second post, but since I’ve never discussed it with anyone else, I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or not, and it’s really difficult to be objective about my own life. It’s probably a combination of both, I guess.

Thanks to both of you for your advise, and for future questions, I promise to try to be more thorough about the specifics (but hopefully not more than needed).

God Bless!
Ericka


#7

Ericka, I ignored warning feelings about someone, because I felt it would be uncharitable to act according to them…very, very bad mistake!!! That’s all I’ll say about that!


#8

Trishie, thanks so much for your post. I always enjoy seeing your posts on these fora and I really appreciate your insights. I ignored this feeling before about another person, too. I mentioned that situation in my first post in this thread, and it was for pretty much the same reason (didn’t want to be uncharitable towards this person). Luckily I have seen neither hide nor hair from him in a couple of years.

God Bless!
Ericka


closed #9

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