I don’t want to get married. I’ve met too many men who are mean, dishonest and impatient. Our society today has caused so much stress on people. Even if I meet a nice guy now by the time we’re married 3, 4, 5 years the stress of the world will will start to get to him and he’ll turn into the kind of guy I was trying not to marry. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Years change people. Guys are all nice and attentive to the ladies at first because they’re so crazy about them but after you’re married and that dies down you’re stuck basically and he’s not so ‘Mr. Wonderful’ anymore.
Well, I can’t say that I didn’t feel the same way you did.
I never wanted to get married or have children. I just could never see it.
That is, until I met my husband. After 6 years I still feel totally blessed to be with him and he HAS changed. He has become a loving father, a mature head of the household and an even more wonderful man. People DO change over the years, but that isn’t a bad thing. We just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday. We have 2 kiddos and we are “goofballs in love” still. It takes work, talking and patience but it is well worth it!
Instead of saying “I will never get married” how about “What is my vocation?” or “If I get married please bless me wtih a wonderful spouse and help me to be a good spouse in return.”
I used to be a pessimist, now I have been happily proven wrong. I wish the same for you.
Then don’t. And more power to you for knowing your mind and heart.
This was a topic of discussion in our enforced Why Catholic? group. Ican’t remember if it was the CCC or some Church writing, but the gist of it was, we are each God’s sons and daughters in whatever state of life HE has called us to be, including single. One does not have to consecrate it to have that state of life be a valid choice; consecrated as a priest or religious, married, or single.
You don’t have to. Just to warn you, though, that God has a wonderful sense of humor. I was never going to get married or have children EVER. Did not want to be tied down to one guy, and I was pretty uncomfortable around children. Well, guess what? I found the “right” guy, got married, and ended up having 4 kids. I think that God was laughing out loud every time I proclaimed that “I was NEVER going to get married, and I was NEVER going to have kids.” He showed me!
Yup, marriage involves work. It’s no fairy tale. But we are called to work everyday, it is our vocation, so don’t let that discourage you. No person is perfect, and no marriage is; only God is perfect. Everything will need dedication and patience. So, for now, focus on the traits you’re looking for in a spouse, and try to emulate those traits yourself. It’s a wholesome goal that will bring you joy.
I spent this weekend with my in laws celebrating their 50th wedding aniversary. Present were my husband and I who have been married 14 years, and my husband’s sister and her husband who have been married 23 years. My niece was there with her nice boyfriend, who studies and works, and is a good son and brother to his 8 siblings. My 9 year old son and my 3 year old daughter were also there. I’m sure my inlaws were really happy they didn’t settle for a dog!
I have many friends, but none of my close friends have ever been divorced. I am surrounded by men who are good fathers, family oriented, hard working, responsible, faithful to their spouses, and faithful to God. This is because that is the type of person that I am, and that I seek out.
If you are not finding these people, then you are not seeking them out, because they surely exist. I suggest attending bible study classes, volunteering in church and charity functions, going Christmas caroling for the elderly or Kids in Distress, volunteering backstage for local theatre, conservative political action committees, environmental clean up and garden clubs, volunteer for community jazz and art festivals, volunteer at a local zoo or for animals in distress, whatever you have interest in. If you care about your community and about those who are less fortunate, and give of your time in support of these causes, you will find yourself surrounded by caring, giving, responsible men.
Aaaaahhhh, but you are forgetting the flip side of your theory (I’m talking about the OP). Yes, the years change people (we would never grow if they didn’t!) and some men change for the BETTER!!!
The same can be said for women!
My husband and I were together for 10 years before we married 9 years ago. When we met, I was 17 and he was 22. Do you think I’d want to be married to that 22 year old now? NO! He was what he was supposed to be when he was that age, and now he’s what he’s supposed to be at 41. It’s not 100% bliss, growing and changing is a painful process. Imagine how we make Our Lord feel as he watches us grow and change in love and faith. Not a pretty sight. Thank God for His patience. We have to have the same faith and hope in marriage, too.
I’ve met too many men who are mean, dishonest and impatient. Our society today has caused so much stress on people. Even if I meet a nice guy now by the time we’re married 3, 4, 5 years the stress of the world will will start to get to him and he’ll turn into the kind of guy I was trying not to marry
I’ve met too many women who are mean, dishonest and impatient. Our society today has caused so much stress on people. Even if I meet a nice gal now by the time we’re married 3, 4, 5 years the stress of the world will will start to get to her and he’ll turn into the kind of gal I was trying not to marry.
Sword cuts both ways…
There are no perfect people, nor perfect marriages.
An industrial analogy:
We’re all “prototypes” that will never go to mass production. Each component must go multiple revisions and changes to work properly together. Parts get worn, and sometimes need rebuilding or freshening up. Some parts just can’t be updated any longer, and the “machine” has to find other ways to do it’s job. Newer/bigger/faster/better models are constantly coming out, but the machine has to be satified it’s an older model that still does the job.
I’m not trying to reduce marriage down to hardware, but I think the explanation fits if you read into it. Going on 19yrs. ourselves.
Sounds like you need to spend a lot of time with Him to find out what your true vocation is–single, religious, or married? He is the one to ask. He knows what will be best for you. Maybe He is just saying…not now.
This is not a new problem. Consider this quote from Shakespeare’s Henry V, in the argument Henry uses on Kate for why she should consent to marry a rough fellow like him:
“A good leg will fall. A straight back will stoop. A black beard will turn white. A curled pate will grow bald. A fair face will wither. A full eye will wax hollow. But a good heart is the sun and the moon. Or rather the sun and not the moon, for it shines bright and never changes, but keeps its course truly.”
People grow as they age, yes, but if you marry someone with a good heart, you do not need to fear that better or worse will bring you a changed heart.
Do not lose heart, yourself. You do not have to find someone today, and if you are to marry, you only have to find the one. God can do that for you. If God does not, there are other vocations, and other places to find yourself companions on faith’s journey. Keep a good course on faith’s journey, journey in hope, and do not be wedded to a certain timeline. You can trust that to bring your life along in good time. More importantly, you will forge in yourself the character that someone like that will want to choose for a lifetime.
If you talk to men, they have similar concerns.
One of the suggestions, I have made to my own sons…don’t go clubbing to expect to meet the perfect person. They are not there. The people who go clubbing want casual relationships…not serious ones.
Get involved and volunteer…anywhere…Habitat for Humanity, the zoo, your local church, social agency, hospital etc.
People with heart for giving to others…will more than likely open their heart to you and you to them. But more than likely they are not volunteering because they are looking for a partner…they are there because they want to be there.As you volunteer you also widen your social circle, allowing you to meet others…and have fun. From my own experience, the perfect person came when I least expected it…and wasn’t looking. She first was my friend which grew into an over 25 yr. marriage to my best friend and my partner for life. Before you do anything…throw away any cynicism and be yourself. Trust in the Lord to know what’s best for you…and ask Him to help you discern what is His will…and you know what I found out. He knows best! With all things. pray, pray and pray first, last and always before you do anything! Peace
I would completely agree with this! Unfortunately, if you meet the average man (or for men - woman) on the street, he will be a scumbag or turn out to be a jerk. However, those exceptions to the rule are usually found in places where one tends to be selfless.
Also, friendship is KEY, in my opinion. Getting to know someone without the romance is best and then the romance can find its place. However, it isn’t always going to happen this way. My husband and I were friends for a year and a half first - the main factor for no romance was that he had a girlfriend. Not ideal, but because of that my feelings were pretty much doused from the beginning and I got to know him on a much better level. Then a year and a half later, no girlfriend, and lots of quality time already spent in eachother’s presence, we were able to move to the next step and I already knew him to be a selfless, steady person.
The other thing - which doesn’t necessarily help in extreme cases- but helped me in my own marriage (I’ve only been married for a little over four months, but we both have parents who are still married and love eachother deeply) is that I have to remind myself that I am not perfect, so I shouldn’t expect my husband to be. He is obsessive-compulsive with certain things and he is ALWAYS late for pretty much anything, two things which can grate on my nerves plenty, but I know I have many habits that bother him too and I know that none of these are worth killing a relationship or never having one to begin with. In fact, the love that comes from this marriage outweighs pretty much everything else. My own mother has said many times in frustration but love that my dad drives her up a wall many times, but she loves him so much and she’s so happy she married him 30 yrs ago.
So, don’t lose heart. There’s great, amazing men out there who want to model Christ and His love for the Church. It only takes one to soften your heart and show you the beauty of marriage :). God bless!
Stress gets to everyone, including you. If you want someone to be patient with your stress, you need to be patient with their stress.
Considering how difficult it is for a good Catholic to find a good compatible Catholic spouse, it is disheartening to see that you are taking yourself “out of the game”. We need single Catholics making themselves more available for their fellow Catholic, not less!