in case you didn’t read my post in the “meet and greet” thread, my name is alison, i’m 16 and i gave my heart to Jesus on november 22, 2007, after three years of cutting, depression, anxiety, self-destruction, homosexuality, suicidal thoughts and one suicide attempt, that was not fatal only because God intervened with a miracle and saved my life and my soul. ever since that night, i have been searching for Him – and after reaching out to me for several months while i was in a psychiatric hospital, in november of last year He found me, and He has been my everything ever since. if you’d like to know more about me or my testimony, please don’t hesitate to contact me – i’m extremely open about my life and my experiences, and you don’t ever have to worry about bothering me or offending me. i have been healed of so much and saved from so much, and it’s my deepest hope and prayer that i will be able to show the world that there is hope and healing available in God, including people on here who may need Him.
i joined this community a few days ago, and so far it’s been an incredible experience. i feel comfortable enough, actually, to begin to share my heart and thoughts with you, in the hope and prayer that some of you will be able to help me in some way. i would truly appreciate it if you kept me in your thoughts and prayers, and shared any similar experiences you may have had with this, or maybe offer some advice.
basically, over the past year, i’ve been a nondenominational evangelical Christian, but i am now returning with all my heart to the faith i was raised with – the Catholic Faith, and it’s leaving me extremely confused and upset, because there’s so much i need to learn. i feel broken and overwhelmed, and i don’t know how i’m going to manage when there’s so much i’m facing at the moment. i’m currently reading a book called This is the Faith by Francis Ripley, and it’s a complete explanation of the Catholic Faith. i love the Catholic Faith now – it’s so beautiful and precious to me once more – but a lot of things are bothering me and making me upset, and i was wondering if any of you would be willing to talk to me and help me.
1) i’m terrified of going to Purgatory. the thought literally leaves me in tears. i’ve committed many mortal sins in my life, obviously, as my testimony makes clear, and so now i’m terrified that i’ll have to suffer in Purgatory for what i’ve done in my past and what i may do in the future. i’m praying with all my heart for the grace to abstain from sin, and i’ve started praying for Mary, the saints and my angel to help me. i hopefully will be able to go to Confession tomorrow and officially start my new life, but right now i just feel so broken because i feel like i’m not good enough for Heaven, and i’m afraid of dying because i know that i couldn’t reach Heaven in my present state, and i feel like if i went to Purgatory, it would mean that God had rejected me. does this make any sense? can someone please talk to me and help me reach a state of acceptance with this? i believe in Purgatory and i pray constantly for the suffering souls there. is it wrong for me to be afraid of going there? i don’t want to sin anymore! i hate it when i sin – i end up hating myself, which is a sin in itself, and it’s a constant cycle! please help me.
2) i wish i was good enough to be a saint. i love God with all that i am, but i’m not holy and i’m not perfect and i feel like i have to be. “be perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” i’m a perfectionist by nature, and even in that i sin! i have too horrible a past to be a saint. i feel like there’s some demonic oppression in my life right now, trying to bring me down and depress me so that i can’t move forward in my spiritual life and in my healing. i just love Jesus and feel like i’m not good enough for Him, like if i died my worst fear – Purgatory – would come true, and that He would reject me because i’m not good enough like the saints or like so many holy and amazing people on here. it’s not exactly jealousy that i feel, it’s more of a hatred for myself, which i know is a sin, and that makes me hate myself more! please help me. can someone please help me?
please … i need some help … i trust that someone will answer this post. would you mind keeping me in your thoughts and prayers? i will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers as well, i promise you, and continue to pray for the graces i need to make it to Heaven. i just really need help right now, as i’m in a very stressful place, and my view of how i think God sees me is becoming distorted. please help me …
God bless you all.
in the peace and love of Christ,