I've felt God calling me since I was a child. I didn't become a Catholic til' I was 24, but I was immediately in love with it. I tried to live the life of a layperson, but I was still hungry for God. The best I ever felt in my life, was when I was still involved in group therapy type programs, and I went to mass every morning. I learned how to spread the love of Christ around and for the first time in my life truly felt loved. I then left these programs and tried to get a job. Cause I wanted a wife. I love women, I really want a wife, but I don't care anymore. The more I tried, the more it just didn't work. I was a virgin until I was 29, and I'm only 30 now. I've never been attracted to men, so I don't think it's homosexuality. Which I believe is a lifestyle choice anyway. I really feel called to a vocation. I think that if I were a priest my pride would destroy me. However, I'm interested in the Franciscan life. As I already go out into the street and preach the gospel. There's a lot of homeless where I live, and as I do need to be careful of some of them, most of them are people down on their luck. I get them a meal, give them a cigarette, etc. No ones ever gotten mad at me for talking about Christ. A lot of them have rosary's and tell me how they believe in Christ, they just struggle with this or that. A lot of them struggle with homosexuality to be honest. Which is funny cause I used to be pretty homophobic, but after talking to these men I'm learning how to witness to them.
I guess the real question is though, before I came to Christ (at 21) I was a real mess. I'd been on drugs and even dabbled in occultism. Most of my life I was a Christian in a non-christian liberal family. Surrounded by Evangelicals and Fundamentalists that spent more time hating than loving. Not that I think that applies to every Evangelical and Fundie.
My mother didn't understand why I was the way I was. She was/is convinced that I have a mental illness. She spent my whole life convincing me I was crazy, and I believed it. Yet now I see her for the narcissistic liberal hypocrite that she often is(and believe me, it really saddens me).
So after people trying to drive me insane, and trying to convince me I was insane, I finally just went insane. I wasn't allowed to keep my faith, but when I tried to let it go, I went to the mental hospital. I've been put on psychiatric drugs and diagnosed bi-polar/schizo-affective.
I care nothing for my life. My personal/selfish life. That's not apathy or depression. The only reason I'm still here is because Christ saved me. Christ saved me so I could save other people. I've been walking with the Lord for 9 years now. I'm 30. I know in my heart, mind, body and soul that I'm called to a vocation. So would the fact that I'm on medicine and diagnosed bi-polar make it not so?