I feel like a fool


#1

Background: I was blessed to have been raised in a wonderful Catholic home; my father died when I was very young, I am the youngest and have 8 brothers and sisters. I was the only child to leave the state and move across country for marriage. I have been married for over 10 years. We have not been blessed with children. After many years I finally realized that my husband smoked often (Not cigarettes). Long, long story short, I was packed and ready to leave unless he would quit. I believed him when he said he would stop.

I had been working for my local parish for years and found the strength and support that I needed.I have recently quit my job to work at home for our growing business. Life was going well.

Last night a family member informed me that my husband has been lying to me and told me to search his truck. This person works for law enfocement and has information. They wouldn’t tell me specifically, but wanted me to know. None of his family wants me to leave; but they knows I will if he will not change. I did search his truck last night and found empty baggies—he denied everything, but come on. I feel like such a fool.

When I first learned of this several years ago, I told my husband that if I ever would have known he did this I would not have married him. I was way too young, can’t do it over again, but am really weary right now. My mom died last year, and am still coping. Love God, Love the Faith, but am just so tired of trying so hard all the time with no support. My husband’s family has no faith base whatsoever, I am always defending my faith, trying to show them…I know I am here for a reason, that has been proven to me, but I have to wonder if this is Satan trying to make me leave or if I should acknowledge that this was never a marriage. (fyi…husband never baptized) I have learned so much in the past several years of just how holy marrige really is, what it is truly called to be, I have prayed for that type of marriage.

I can’t tell you how many times my pastor has told me to pray to St. Monica. Well there is 13 years summed up. Please pray for me.


#2

I will add my prayers to yours. Sometimes life is difficult and it is not immediately clear what God wants you to do. God bless you.


#3

It’s very difficult for anyone suffering an addiction to simply quit on their own. Some do, but it’s rare.

Is he open to considering treatment?

Does he even recognize this as a serious problem or does he think it’s fine as long as you don’t know what’s going on?


#4

I am sure that he believes that as long as I don’t know, there is no problem.

He repeatedly has said that I am the oddity. He states that I am the flake because everybody does it and it is no big deal. I am the only person he knows that would never do this, and I can not understand because I have never done it. Love that one.


#5

Praying for you and your family.


#6

Have you sat down and talked to him and asked him why he feels the need to do this sort of activity? When he first started? What makes him want to do this now? Ask him a non-confrontational way, but more so that you can understand why he does it. Maybe once you do, you can help him find ways for him not to do it.

I’m currently going through this with my son, who finally admitted to me that he’s does this whenever he’s with his friends. I told him my concerns about what it does to his moods, his motivations, and that it can lead to more serious forms of mood-altering substances. I also tell him that I fear he would get caught breaking the law, and that’s a hassle that he doesn’t need to have in his life. It’s a constant struggle, but I think if you approach this with love and understanding, it may have him think about his actions, and reconsider it.

I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless :thumbsup:


#7

[quote=Princess_Abby]It’s very difficult for anyone suffering an addiction to simply quit on their own. Some do, but it’s rare.

Is he open to considering treatment?

Does he even recognize this as a serious problem or does he think it’s fine as long as you don’t know what’s going on?
[/quote]

I am so sorry for your broken heart and frustration.

Have you considered having a mediator sit down with the two of you? Someone such as a priest or trained therapist? (NOT a family member or friend.) A person who could help you explain in very certain terms that it has come down to choosing the drug or his family. (Which is what I hear you saying.) But offering him a choice and a chance to receive treatment. I know you love him and want him to be better, so offer him that opportunity. You can’t make him take it, but you can extend the help and let him know that when or if he’s ready, you’ll be willing to help (if you are). But that otherwise, you need to consider what is best for you and the children (whatever that may be).


#8

You say “life was going well” and yet, it appears it was doing so while your husband was smoking, just that you didn’t know about it. That makes it sound like your home life is stable, your relationship is ok - on the surface.

It seems like the only reason you are considering leaving him is because someone told you about his smoking, that had they not said anything you’d still be clueless - but happy???

It also sounds like he does his smoking on the road, not in the home.

I’m not condoning his addiction, but it is his.

Is he treating you well?
Is he a responsible husband in all other ways?
Is he faithful to you?

Maybe Retrouville would be good for you two?
If not, then you certainly would benefit from a support group similar to Al-anon…for those in relationships with people who suffer from addictions.

I don’t understand why you would want to leave the marriage for this one issue, if ‘life was good’ when you didn’t know about it. It seems like everything was/is ok on the surface, but what grounds would you use to file for divorce (since you have to be civilly divorced before you can seek an anullment)?

I also don’t understand why people in law enforcement, friends or not, would tell you to look in his truck rather than turn him in so that he can be arrested and charged with the crime he’s committing. It may take something that drastic to get through to him.

In any case, keep praying…13 years and counting…Monica spent 30 years…and the bottom line is you can trust in God to lead your husband where he needs to go and to watch over him.

By the way, you certainly are no fool.
You are a lovely woman who has her cross to carry, but you seem truly blessed with a strong religious support system and your own personal faith. It is obvious God is with you to help you through this.


#9

[quote=MK7737]Background: I was blessed to have been raised in a wonderful Catholic home; my father died when I was very young, I am the youngest and have 8 brothers and sisters. I was the only child to leave the state and move across country for marriage. I have been married for over 10 years. We have not been blessed with children. After many years I finally realized that my husband smoked often (Not cigarettes). Long, long story short, I was packed and ready to leave unless he would quit. I believed him when he said he would stop.

I had been working for my local parish for years and found the strength and support that I needed.I have recently quit my job to work at home for our growing business. Life was going well.

Last night a family member informed me that my husband has been lying to me and told me to search his truck. This person works for law enfocement and has information. They wouldn’t tell me specifically, but wanted me to know. None of his family wants me to leave; but they knows I will if he will not change. I did search his truck last night and found empty baggies—he denied everything, but come on. I feel like such a fool.

When I first learned of this several years ago, I told my husband that if I ever would have known he did this I would not have married him. I was way too young, can’t do it over again, but am really weary right now. My mom died last year, and am still coping. Love God, Love the Faith, but am just so tired of trying so hard all the time with no support. My husband’s family has no faith base whatsoever, I am always defending my faith, trying to show them…I know I am here for a reason, that has been proven to me, but I have to wonder if this is Satan trying to make me leave or if I should acknowledge that this was never a marriage. (fyi…husband never baptized) I have learned so much in the past several years of just how holy marrige really is, what it is truly called to be, I have prayed for that type of marriage.

I can’t tell you how many times my pastor has told me to pray to St. Monica. Well there is 13 years summed up. Please pray for me.
[/quote]

Besides praying to St. Monica, I would also look into Al-Anon. It is a 12 Step program for people who love alcoholics and drug addicts. It will help you sort out your feelings and help you cope with being married to a drug addict. It has been my experience that people like you husband do not mean to be destructive liars; they are caught up in an addiction and cannot quit on their own.

St. Monica is a very powerful intercessor, so I would not stop asking her for help. But you must also seek help from those who have deal with this problem in their homes.

My prayers are with you, and I will also pray for your husband.


#10

Although you may not want to follow this path, I just wanted to say this, because many people don’t know it.

With-holding of information is grounds for an annulment.


#11

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.