I feel like I'm in an endless cycle


#1

I’ve talked about my issues before:

forum.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=399942

and I’m still as unsure as I was before about our marriage. Actually - he basically told me it is over for him and that he’s only hanging around for the children. Unfortunately he has mean outbusrts towards me which he will stop for a while to be “civil” but then after a few weeks he’ll start up again. He throws the f-bomb around like mad when he gets that way. The kids are not learning what a good relationship is, he disregards the house rules for the kids (ie no violence, limiting video games for the kids, limiting TV, etc. )
In other ways he’s really great. He’s an awesome cook, he is fun with the kids, he’s starting to help out around the house more since he lost his job and took on a part time job,

Things would in reality be really great if he treated me nicely - esp in front of the kids. But here’s the big issue: He does not want any more children. period. I already said I cannot take the “pill” or do any other form of birth control as per the church. I told him I CAN however work with him and do the NFP to avoid getting pregnant. That is not good enough. He want’s 110% assurance we won’t get pregnant (Understandable since 2 of our children have severe medical issues. I understand his fears, yet I’m not going to live in Mortal sin either.) Anyway - he said because of this issue the marriage is over and unfixable.

I don’t like the thought of a separation, When I considered it, it didn’t feel “right”. I’ve so far decided to stay in a loveless marriage as long as he can be civil towards me. But again like I said he’s civil for a while until I “upset” him. And anytime I want to enforce the rules with the kids, or ask him to limit the violence on TV or limit video games - those are enough to set him off. But when he stops the attitude things are livable again. I’ve talked to a priest but he didn’t really offer me much advice.

Not sure what to do since even ending a marriage is sinful


#2

You need to make an appointment and discuss these issues with your priest, he will be in the best position to advise you.


#3

[quote="Catholic1954, post:2, topic:217781"]
You need to make an appointment and discuss these issues with your priest, he will be in the best position to advise you.

[/quote]

She stated she talked to her priest, but he didn't offer advice. Some priests are not good in this field while others are great. Perhaps the Bishop could intervene.

Does your husband go to Mass or believe what the Church teaches?


#4

Not sure what to do since even ending a marriage is sinful


No, it's remarrying without an annulment that's sinful.

You don't have to live in an abusive situation (and his f-bomb outburst are abusive to me--towards you AND your children) . The Church also does not want one to live with an abusive spouse.


#5

I would suggest making an appointment with a Catholic marriage counselor - leave him the appointment date and time - if he does not show then you can at least go for you. If he does then it will help. Either way it will help.


#6

Dear Joan,

Do you pray the Rosary? If no, start, if yes, could you start a family rosary? Every night after dinner, everyone take a decade and make it fun. Don't drag it out, just 15 minutes flat.

Have you ever said to your husband, "I want this to work? How can we make this work?" I know he has hurt you and there is all kinds of baggage, but if you really want to save it, it is going to take a lot of humility and patience and sweetness and kindness and biting your tongue.

The Rosary. Think about it.


#7

[quote="HCC, post:6, topic:217781"]
Dear Joan,

Do you pray the Rosary? If no, start, if yes, could you start a family rosary? Every night after dinner, everyone take a decade and make it fun. Don't drag it out, just 15 minutes flat.

Have you ever said to your husband, "I want this to work? How can we make this work?" I know he has hurt you and there is all kinds of baggage, but if you really want to save it, it is going to take a lot of humility and patience and sweetness and kindness and biting your tongue.

The Rosary. Think about it.

[/quote]

I think you mean Dear Jengl. I agree with HCC the Rosary is a wonderful idea. My ex-husband stated Mary had no power over evil and refused to pray the Rosary so I was on my own to do that - I prayed at least a decade a night.


#8

That’s all that I’m able to get my family to do with me. I feel like a decade a night is a good start…even if it doesn’t develop into a full rosary in years. We are trying and I think that is what God wants to see. I have a lot of the same issues with my husband. I feel like things could be better with some counseling with a good marriage counselor. I would suggest visiting www.thealexanderhouse.org and doing some over the phone counseling if you aren’t near either Denver or San Antonio. I hope you are able to work things out. I know how scary it is to think you might have to raise the kids on your own. I will pray that your husband does go to counseling with you and you are able to work things out. Obviously, staying together would be ideal but only if it makes sense. I agree with you about how the children should see your husband loving and respecting you. They need to know how to treat their spouse/ how to be treated by their spouse or they might end up in the same situation.


#9

No - my husband is Baptist and he loves to tell me (now - not when we were dating) about how wrong Catholics are. The birth control issue doesn’t help his point of view lol.


#10

Good suggestion :slight_smile: TY


#11

If you were married in the Catholic Church then he made a promise at the time of the marriage not to interfere with you living your faith or raising the children in the Catholic Church - I would start praying the Rosary wtih the children. At this point - bring the Virgin Mary into your household - it certainly cannot hurt - his religion does not seem to be helping him if he is dropping the f bomb. Besides your children should learn the rosary regardless and it is your responsibility to teach them.


#12

[quote="HCC, post:6, topic:217781"]
Dear Joan,

Do you pray the Rosary? If no, start, if yes, could you start a family rosary? Every night after dinner, everyone take a decade and make it fun. Don't drag it out, just 15 minutes flat.

Have you ever said to your husband, "I want this to work? How can we make this work?" I know he has hurt you and there is all kinds of baggage, but if you really want to save it, it is going to take a lot of humility and patience and sweetness and kindness and biting your tongue.

The Rosary. Think about it.

[/quote]

Oh I LOVE the Rosary. Never have I felt more peace than when I prayed it. I make it a point to pray it every day. My children will say the Rosary with me but I can't get him to. He has told me repeatedly that he "hates Catholics" . I have had the conversation with him about wanting this to work out. He has told me flat out that from his side it will never be fixed. Because of the birth control issue. Because I can't participate in marital relations if there are birth control practices going on.


#13

[quote="Jengl, post:12, topic:217781"]
Oh I LOVE the Rosary. Never have I felt more peace than when I prayed it. I make it a point to pray it every day. My children will say the Rosary with me but I can't get him to. He has told me repeatedly that he "hates Catholics" . I have had the conversation with him about wanting this to work out. He has told me flat out that from his side it will never be fixed. Because of the birth control issue. Because I can't participate in marital relations if there are birth control practices going on.

[/quote]

Not completely true. His sin is his sin. Your sin is your sin. Look back through the apologists questions - but no if he chooses to use a method than that is on him - not you. You are not complicit -just as if you were to take the pill it would not be his sin. The issue would be if you asked him to do this or had the intent. However that being said I also know a lot of Baptists, Pentacostals, etc that are also against birth control. Maybe you could enlist some help from his Baptist pastor on some of the bigger issues such as the birth control and the f bomb.

Also like I said above he needs to be reminded nicely that when he married you (assuming you were married in the Catholic Church) this is what he knowingly agreed to BEFORE GOD:

1635
According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority.137 In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage.138 This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.139

1636
Through ecumenical dialogue Christian communities in many regions have been able to put into effect a common pastoral practice for mixed marriages. Its task is to help such couples live out their particular situation in the light of faith, overcome the tensions between the couple's obligations to each other and towards their ecclesial communities, and encourage the flowering of what is common to them in faith and respect for what separates them.

1637
In marriages with disparity of cult the Catholic spouse has a particular task: "For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband."140 It is a great joy for the Christian spouse and for the Church if this "consecration" should lead to the free conversion of the other spouse to the Christian faith.141 Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of the family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion.


#14

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