I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this… :shrug:
I feel like I’m going to explode…I have so much anger, frustration, resentment…all built up in me.
I converted Easter '04. We’ve been going to the same parish the whole time (aside from trying other parishes here and there). I am SO lonely. At my Baptist church there was tons to do (that didn’t cost anything — 98% of the activities at the local parishes COST to go to…and usually not a teeny amount, and often they’re for kids/families - we don’t have kids). At my Baptist church the people there would always reach out…they truly cared. It was a family and I miss them. At our parish I don’t even know if a whole 10 people know my name (and yes, though I’m not outgoing I HAVE tried reaching out in a variety of ways).
I’m falling deeper and deeper into depression. I go thru cycles…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I’m fine. Thursday and Friday I go…oh, the weekend is almost here… I wake up Saturday and start into a BAD depression cycle. I just DREAD going to mass. Like more than I can say… I get really withdrawn, really negative, really upset. I try not to…but it’s just more than I can fight. We finally started going to Sat. evening mass and making me go out and do errands or something right up until it’s time to go there at 6pm just to attempt distraction from knowing I have to go there.
I dread it all…talking to the people there, going thru the motions (that’s what it’s finally come down to…and yes, I know that’s not good), especially the sign of peace…I don’t like talking to strangers - it REALLY freaks me out…and there it’s a “forced activity”. :eek: I leave with so much anger in me I have to be careful not to lash out at others. :mad: It takes me several hours afterward to calm down.
Before I converted I would go to Bible studies, pray all the time, do devotionals…lots of praise and worship. I had a very happy, Christian life. Now I can’t even look at any of it. I get completely upset and I freak out.
I dread Holy days of obligation just because it’s yet another day of depression and misery for me. I get frustrated when the fasting days come along because all my friends are protestant and they just don’t get it (though I try to do the “no meat” thing on the sly) so I end up feeling like an outsider.
I just feel like screaming. I don’t want to go there…don’t want to be there in the least. But, it’s the only Church with THE sacraments. So, I look upon a lifetime of depression and misery…and I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Please…no flames…tomorrow is Saturday and I’m already starting into a depression cycle (obviously).
Would appreciate any advice on how to live like this…and not spend every weekending in misery.