Put short, I’ve been living in a state of sin for a while. My own thoughts have been tormenting me on a near-constant basis since realising the gravity of it. I never have peace. It’s like my body is being slowly crushed, acid pouring into my soul. I am always burning. My distress has extended to physical pains. Darkness surrounds me. I can’t conceive ever experiencing happiness again. The slightest thought of sin hurts. Fear traps me in sin, which I don’t have the strength to get out of. I don’t even know whether God was ever with me, if not for a short time. I pray to no avail, I hope for a message. Sometimes speaking to or reading about God will bring peace for a short while only for the torment to restart. Everything from YouTube titles, to Bible verses, to simply hearing the word ‘lukewarm’ out of context feels like a signifier that my soul is on its way to Hell. I fully believe I deserve to be in Hell and am unworthy of help. Nothing good anyone can say reassures me, only the bad things resonate with me. What good is being optimistic if God has already left (or, alternatively, I have left God)? It feels like God hates or is asking the impossible from me. I desperately want my relationship with Jesus back. To think my current despair might not even matter if I somehow come to the point where God hands me over sometimes stresses me out, sometimes doesn’t, and then my own apathy will stress me out. I’ve told God that nothing good in this life can be worth it if my soul is destined for Hell regardless, I’ve screamed into the darkness of my soul and yet nothing. I’d be better off dead than lead a life without Him by my side. Even good events feel like tragedies in any case when I remember my soul could very well be destined for Hell. I just feel unequipped and unworthy for a spiritual life, I don’t know how to stop doing whatever I’m doing wrong, I don’t know how to trust Jesus (or, rather, myself to cooperate, perhaps). If God is imploring me to make that big leap to overcome sin, then what if I fail? That’s what scares me.
Sorry for the rant, am just freaking out with no one to turn to. I don’t even know how I’ll receive any advice at this point.