I feel so trapped :((


#1

I was raised in a ruralish community and believe it not, was the happiest man on the face of the earth during high school and even :eek: during middle school.
Sadly, going to college meant moving miles and miles (triple digits) away from home (there are no colleges there, trust me) and leaving behind all my dearly beloved friends. In my home community, a lot of ppl are blue collard or agricultural and don’t go to college anyway, so only one of my friends even went to college.
Unfortunately, me and him decided to go together. This is a problematic scenario which is already causing me great distress. He has the terrile habit of not knowing when to shut his mouth. He puts me down (maybe for fun, i don’t know) and touches on really really personal subjects he really shouldn’t. this lowers my self esteem and causes me a lot of pain. I know that I will not be able to live with him in the long run, he brought me down enough during high school. But I feel like I don’t have a choice. I can’t go back home, that would mean dropping out of college and dealing with the guilt of disappointing my parents. I don’t want to start over and go to a new college where I don’t know a single person. I just want to go back to my old life, my old friends and my old home town. I feel so trapped. I feel like my only choice is live with him and get brought down or drop out of school. :frowning:
I need advice badly. Should I suck it up and put up with him with the hope of getting an education or take a break and try college later (a part of me isn’t ready)


#2

Just find another place to live. When I first went to college I think I had three different room-mates in the first year. Until then you can just spend more time studying at the library and at the student center. Is there a Catholic student organization? Maybe you can meet new people at Mass? It wouldn’t hurt to stand up to your friend. I will pray for you.


#3

You could switch rooms. I imagine you wouldn’t be the first at that college to switch roommates. When you just throw a bunch of people away from home for the first time (or even if they have been away) in a 6’x6’ room (or however big your room is :stuck_out_tongue: ) not everyone will make it the full year. Personalities and temperaments may not always mix.

Or you might tell you roommate to knock it off. One problem you can get when you have a loudmouth is that the person might not know when problems stemming from saying too much occur. Especially when it is a quieter person who doesn’t like to be assertive. You might need the discipline to say where the line is drawn, and call him on it every time until he knows the boundaries.


#4

Reed - first and foremost, don’t get depressed. I don’t know who you are but I don’t want you to get so depressed that you get suicidal or anything. If this happens, or even if it doesn’t, I recommend that you go to some sort of on campus therapist/psychologist. I’m sure that there must be at least one - and he/she will (hopefully) be able to help you.

Also I second trying to find another room - or at the very least having a heart to heart with your roommate.

Catholig


#5

Your friend is being over familiar with you and probably thinks they have the right to because they deem themselves to be very close to you. I have a friend like this who used to push and ask alot of questions and dig into my interior. She meant no harm, she does it because she is interested and intrigued about my interior person, my innermost thoughts and she does it because she knows we are very close friends and thinks this grants automatic access to the interior of a person. She is fond of reminding me of my faults too :slight_smile: .

She also jokes quite harshly with me and because I know her well I’m about as sensitive to this as rhino hide, she means no harm and in a close friendship like this she can get away with saying things to me that she would not get away with saying to other people and I take it in the humour it is meant.

One day I said to this friend in the course of a discussion about a loved one of hers, ‘You cannot climb inside a person, you cannot intrude that far, everyone has an inner core, a place that is theirs and you don’t have to reveal everything about your deepest innermost self either; keep that part for the Priest and for Jesus.’ She looked at me and seemed horrified. She realised. I didn’t defend myself directly, but indirectly I defended myself and you too must defend your interior person and not let anyone disturb that inner place of peace you share with Jesus alone.

Give your friend a gentle indirect warning shot, give them two or three more direct warning shots if necessary and if they still remain the same way to you, forgive them and then make some sort of retreat, move out, find someone else to share with and keep saying a little prayer for your friend. Don’t pal-out your friend, life is hard without old friends, they are like a good matured wine and you are only young and will grow to appreciate friendship as you grow older. Keep your friend on a pal-in status, but make sure your friend knows your boundaries. Be patient, none of us are perfect.

I’m a sensitive person too, its good to be sensitive, but don’t let being sensitive lose you what over the years with more maturity on both of your shoulders will in all probability prove to be a great friendship just as it is for my friend and I.

You are probably a bit home sick, I was very home sick when I went to university. I missed the love and affection of my mother and your friends cannot replace this. Try and get home as often as you can to visit and call and write home often. The home sickness does lessen.:slight_smile:

Please continue with your studies, you will regret it if you don’t. You have the mind to do it, so carry on studying.

I hope the indirect warning shot works for you and I’ll keep you, your studies and your friend in prayer

In the Living Prayer of my life


#6

I think I portrayed it wrong, it’s not like we’re joking around or anything. when he gets offensive is when hes being serious. For some reason he just doesn’t realize that putting his friends down is a bad idea :blush:
Joking around is a whole different ball game than being serious, cos at least there’s some possibility of excusing the other person.

as far as therapy goes, I’ve been “getting help” for the past few weeks. they gave me this advice:
transfer colleges :confused:

Father Francis on Life on the rock says that the highly coveted white collar educated careers are really not all theyre cracked up to be anyway. Maybe I don’t even need college and I’m just wasting my time.

A part of me just wants to go back home and be a dairy worker :thumbsup:

I don’t know what to do :frowning:


#7

Get a new dorm assignment, do not hang out with this guy for some time - pray for him.

Find a Parish, get involved there :thumbsup:

Stick with what you start. Finish the semester, they re-evaluate.


#8

Life is hard without a few cents in your pocket and seeing as you are not a hermit or a monk, you really ought to try and stay on the track you are on with your studies.

If your friend speaks to you in a way you don’t like and hurts you, then look him dead in the eye with a stern face and say ‘Don’t speak to me like that, I don’t like it, do it again and I’ll keep my distance from you’, That’s not a warning shot; that’s what I would call a bullseye shot!:smiley:

Your friend, if indeed he is your friend, will take that seriously and apologise. If he does the same thing again, move out and ask your university to help you find another place to live.

Do you know the song ‘Handbags and Gladrags’ There’s a line in it where the grandad is saying to his granddaughter, ‘I heard that you missed school today, so take the handbags and the glad rags that your poor old grandad had to sweat to buy you and throw them all away’ or words to that effect. Your parents sweat to get you where you are, in hopes of better things for you. You can’t give up everytime someone is unkind to you, I’ve learnt that in the course of my working career.

It’ll work out, things always do, persevere at University and call home and talk to your parents about all of this.

In the Living prayer of my life


#9

Maybe a good punch in the mouth while he’s running it would help?:rolleyes:

No, seriously, rent a room from someone else. Just because you are from a small town doesn’t mean you have to stick with someone from the same place. If he complains tell him that his ever-running mouth should help him find a new roommate and you hope and pray that he can be mroe kind to a strangeer than he has been to you.

Now go find a place to live, become the man you are working towards, and forget all about this. You know volunteering and attending functions at your church will hhelp you find new, kinder, friends.

Prayers with you… :thumbsup:


#10

Sounds like you need some new friends!
Growing up in a small town you don’t really get to see a wide range of personalities. You’re stuck making friends with those who are there.
But now, you’re in COLLEGE! There are LOTS of people around!
God has led you here for a REASON! So you need to give it a chance!
Join a club… or create a study group for one of your classes… or go get a job! Eventually new friendships will arise from these experiences and can flourish!

Pray for your friend… sounds like he’s got some serious issues to work through. Be there for him, but distance yourself from him… move out…


#11

Overall, I think I’m just gonna stick it out with him. Next time he says something offensive I’ll tell him I don’t appreciate it (every other time I’ve just taken it, always with the thought that I didn’t want to start a confrontation)
I have faith that we’ll be able to pull thru. Today I got an offer from two of my best friends from back home to live with them. I almost took it but I realized that as one of you said, I’m in college for a reason. Not just the earthly ones, but probably divine ones too.
Maybe having a less sensitive ego will do me good too. Maybe I can learn from this experience to not be so sensitive :thumbsup:

thanks a lot everyone for the help :smiley:


#12

If I may share this:
It’s hard to admit, but I’ve been pretty depressed ever since day 1 of this college experience. :frowning: I’ve stopped going to class altogether and I usually can’t find the will to do my work. A lot of times I think that taking a break would be best for me.
For those of u who have been thru college, is this common? My counselor told me a lot of people go thru this and every time I go to the counseling office it is PACKED with people. Do these feelings of not belonging and confusion wear off as time goes by?

or would taking next semester off and resting be the best decision?

thanks


#13

Taking a break may be tempting, but please think very carefully about this. When I was in college I got depressed for a number of reasons, and decided to take some time out, intending to go back once I sorted things out.

It didn’t happen.

I have eventually got back on track taking an Open University degree, but it was many years and a lot of dead end jobs in between. Things may seem bad at the moment, but it’s early days and things will get better. All my friends who went to university say that the first couple of months are terrible but you will get into your stride.
You really need to distance yourself from this person, join some clubs, get involved in church activities.


#14

It’s so hard though I’m not even totally sure what I want to do with my life and I feel like I need time to figure everything out.
I do see your point though, if I get out of here I’ll probably never come back.


#15

You can figure things out while you are in college, too - if you leave, you will have to get a job, and the job will probably take up more time and energy than school does right now - actually, college is the best place to figure things out, because you can see all of your options all laid out for you. Maybe instead of taking a semester off, take a semester of option courses - a wide variety of things, to get a taste of what’s out there - art, writing, music, philosophy, literature, poetry, business, science, engineering, accounting, etc.


#16

Why do you think your only choices are to stick it out with a crummy rommate or leave school?

Why can’t you get a new roommate?


#17

to be honest, I think that I’ve involuntarily changed from an absolute optimist to an absolute pessimist since I got here. Whenever I think about getting a new room mate I always wonder how much worse they’ll be than my friend.
A girl I know’s room mate has just moved out on her without even telling her. She just moved all her stuff to someone else’s room without a word. Rooming with a total stranger doesn’t sound all that appealing


#18

Well, the place to start is to tell your room mate that his behaviour is inappropriate, and to ask him to show more consideration for your feelings.


#19

how should one deal with depression in general?


#20

When I begin to feel bad, I go to confession. That is the best pick-me-up. After a good confession, I go to a good Mass and then I take myself for a treat. It works every time! It also helps if you are eating healthy and getting some excercise.


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