I have a hard story, and would appreciate an ear and any prayers you have.
My wife an I just had our 9th wedding anniversary. The same day is also the third anniversary of when I revealed to her that I had been using pornography for most of our relationship, since I was 18 and had started college, which was about a year and a half after we met, and really started when I found the internet though as a child (age 11, I believe) I had found a pornographic video and thereafter started a horrific masturbation habit.
My wife never knew any of this about me until 3 years ago. In fact, we had never even talked about whether I found women besides her attractive. I always felt as if she held me up on a pedestal, but it was a pedestal that I had created for myself through concealing my sin.
Three years ago I came clean and told her what I had been doing. For agonizing days and nights I saw how my sin destroyed her spirit and led her to ask questions and questions about all sorts of different things. She insisted that I never lie to her again, and I answered these hard questions and gave up my pride (although at times I didn’t want to). We went through 2 cycles of my truth telling, then realizing how I’d hurt her and trying to protect her by lying, then coming clean and telling her the truth again. Until this February, when, by the advice of a good friend, was told to “cling to the cross” and revealed to her that, yes in fact I did find the female form attractive. She said that I was demon influenced, that I was trying to destroy her and she started weeping uncontrollably.
She in the past few years had developed adrenal fatigue, likely due to the stress of the situation as well as other stressful factors that had occurred in her life prior. When under stress she would get hives and there was (and still could be) true concern that the hives could form in her throat and she would be unable to breathe. So I changed my story then and over the past 9 months have set up a horrible net of lies in order to a) not lose my wife and kids, b) protect her from stress so that she wouldn’t die, and c) because I thought it would be easier to live this way, I wanted her to be happy and I wanted to be happy myself. I’m not sure which motivation was the greatest.
But God has been after me. In her heart I know that she knows that I am lying, and something will not allow her to accept the lies, so she has to ask constantly for reassurance and I constantly have to lie to keep up the charade. But I really feel that God is calling me to sacrifice my wife, my kids and everything to follow him. I heard a sermon on the radio today about this. I have to know that she is God’s, my children are God’s and I cannot hold onto them without him or I will lose them for sure, and he might ask to take them from me anyway, and I know in my heart that I should let him. But it is so very very very hard. And my wife is not fully cured yet, and my children are so young and beautiful, and I love my wife and my kids so much that I could just burst.
I am so afraid. I am in slavery to my lies right now, and I feel that by telling her I might be released from that slavery and grow in faith and let God do his work, but I know that it would be beyond traumatic to go and take everything back for her and leave her with the knowledge that she was so deceived for all these years, that I so denigrated her dignity and spit upon our marriage, and that now she has to live the rest of her life outside of the marriage that she wanted. She has told me, during this time of lying, that “if (she) had known the things” (which are actually the truth) “about me that she never would have married me” and “(she doesn’t) know how (she) could love someone like that”. I was, in reality, the “perverted frat boy” that she “detested and loathed”.
She never would have married me if she had known about what I had done. And now I have to tell her that its true.
We have three beautiful children, 6, 3 1/2 and 17 months. Please pray for them. Please pray for me. Please pray for my wife. Any encouragement is appreciated.