I feel like there is no hope for my marriage. Maybe I am being overdramatic. I don’t know if anyone remembers my previous posts about my weight issue–dh has made some insensitive comments about my weight (I was 6 months postpartum and 20 pounds over)–now I’m pregnant with #4. I can’t get over these comments! Mostly because I know how he feels, and how shallow he is, and he vehemently defends his “need” to have an attractive spouse. To be fair, he has always been this shallow, but I think at the beginning of our marriage 9 years ago, I matched him more. I had the hot body that he “needed” and I can’t say there was a whole lot of substance to our relationship. In the meantime, I feel like I have grown up some, but he hasn’t grown up with me. I want him to see me as attractive BECAUSE my body has given him beautiful children, not just love me in spite of a few extra pounds. There is so much junk there, there is just no way I can write it all down. I suppose I just need to try to find a counselor, but we have done that before, and here we are in the same old mess. I feel totally unloved AND disrespected (for all those love and respect folks out there!) and I truly do not know why we are still married, outside of the fact that we have children to raise together. I have never let my mind go this far as to consider divorce but I just keep thinking that child support for 4 kids would be a pretty nice chunk and I could live with it. I am not getting anything here anyway. Maybe I should move on and let him find himself a little hottie to fulfill his life because I am obviously not doing it for him.
The other issue is that I converted to Catholicism a couple of years ago, with his permission, as long as we agreed the kids would be raised Protestant. You can imagine all the issues there. His mom is a blatant ex/anti- Catholic and is very open about her opposition to my conversion. We just spent a lovely 2 weeks at the inlaws house for the holidays. We also have NFP issues, in that I did alot of reading about birth control, even before I converted or thought about converting, and he agreed to go along with NFP–we took a class together, etc. He is still opposed to the whole idea, as apparantly he can’t go a week to 10 days without sex without his falling over dead or something. He says he would be fine with it if we could do “other stuff” in the abstinence periods, which from time to time, he talks me into doing, even knowing how strongly I feel about it, and how much I hate having to go to confession for that. We have also had 2 unplanned babies as a result of NFP, because I got pregnant while nursing the last 2 times. My last 2 are 15 months apart, and now I’m pregnant again, and the youngest will be 19 months apart. I feel like he blames me, even though I have told him he is free to contracept if he chooses to (I also told him I would be very disappointed and if he used the withdrawal method or condoms I would feel very used, so I suppose I left him with not much of a choice). When we were at his family’s house these last 2 weeks, I heard him constantly bemoaning the fact that we have so many kids.
It was a miserable 2 weeks for me. He was really mean to me the whole time (up until it had been about a week since we had sex, and he started trying to be nice, but once he figured out he wasn’t getting any, he went back to normal). We made up for New Year’s Eve (my doing), had relations, and now I feel so yuck about it, like it was just using each other. Obviously we don’t love each other, so why would we do something so intimate. I guess I was hoping it would solve things, although I should know that never works, I always end up feeling like an object used for his urges.
Anyway, I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel like we are just so different now, that there is a gap there that cannot be closed. I don’t want to divorce, for my children’s sake only… But in a way I wonder if we would all just be better off. I would rather live alone with my kids and not have to see him or deal with all of this junk. At least if wasn’t expecting love from him, I wouldn’t be disappointed all the time.
I guess I’m just venting. But if anyone has some great earth-shaking advice, or if you just want to tell me to get over myself, go right ahead. I know there are people out there with way worse problems.