I fell like my marriage is ending


#1

I have run into a big brick wall. DH and I have been married for 8 years now and everything has been very good except for one thing. He lies to me and I always catch him. It’s usually not really big things, but I ALWAYS catch him. I was in a relationship when I was younger and was lied to and was so hurt that it took years for me to even date. DH is a good dad, a good provider, a professional and takes care of me. He is kind and nurturing and understanding and I just can’t get why he lies. It’s not been dozens of times, but I can recall about 10 times that he’s lied and I caught him. the most recent was yesterday. His school cancelled after just one hour of attendence and he never said a thing. In fact, he actually called me and told me he was moving his 3:30 committee meeting to next week. So on my way home, I’m talking to my mom who says “What did B do all day”? I say “well, he worked”. She proceeds to tell me that it was on the TV that his school was cancelled and I told her that no, it was not. He left the house like normal and the office never called to say they were closing for the day, and I didn’t see it on TV before leaving home. We got into a yelling match and I literally told her she was losing it. When I got home and asked him, he looked me right in the eye and lied. Again. And then lied again when I asked him if maybe they’d cancelled early. So then my dad calls me and we got into it. All the while DH sits there and doesn’t say a thing. After both mom and dad had yelled at me (because I yelled at them), after about 2 hours, then he finally fesses up. I was so enraged that I threw a phone at him and left. I had to go to the Blessed Sacrament and just sat there for three hours begging God for patience and understanding. It’s just not coming. What to do?


#2

number one, why are all these other relatives involved in an issue between you and your husband, get them to butt out, and do not involve them in your problems. do not bring up disagreements between the 2 of you to other relatives.

number 2, could your husbands knee-jerk reaction, to tell a petty lie, be in response to your reaction on an earlier occasion when he was late, or did whatever prompted the lie?

there are always 2 sides, and always an action that prompts a reaction.

time for something like marriage encounter that teaches you both better communication skills, and promotes true honesty and intimacy between you, and until you develop that, the other problems won’t go away

I will change my signature to “been there done that”

the bright spot? your immediate reaction was “take it to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.” perfect. hope soon the two of you will be going together regularly.


#3

twk:

I think you may have a big problem here. My first instinct is too suggest you find out what he did all day. Most likely he is lying to cover up THAT. If he was off shopping for your Valentine’s gift, excusable, still poor judgment. However, be prepared for something less honorable.

When you do find out about it, suggest you meet with your priest or a good marriage counselor.

God Bless,


#4

just another point- mom and dad watch our DD all day while we work and because the town where they live and the town where we live both had really good weather (DH teaches about 40 minutes north), they wanted to come to town and drop off DD at home early so she could be home with dad for the day. of course, when they called, the phone was never answered (we don’t have caller ID so we don’t always answer). twk


#5

I agree with this post.


#6

www.retrouvaille.org
This is a program for troubled marriages that teaches you both new ways of communicating with each other. I think it could be helpful.


#7

I am a reformed liar–I used to lie a lot when I was a teenager, to get to go to the party I was not allowed to attend, or to hang out with the boy who my family disapproved of…and in my lying…as I look back at those days–I lied because I feared rejection…or being told no. Lying stems from fear. If your husband has a habit of lying–it’s because he fears something. Once you get to the root of why he is afraid of the truth–then you’ll be getting somewhere. But, you can’t just keep sweeping the lies under the carpet–you really need to just ask him…why don’t you tell the truth–all of the time? What were you doing yesterday, and are you afraid to tell me?

Fear comes in different packages…your husband just chooses to lie in order to disguise his fear. However, his fear, *could be *of keeping from you something dishonoring that he is doing. When I lied as a teen–I wasn’t afraid that my family would find out I was helping out the Little Sisters of the Poor. LOL It was because I was doing something they specifically asked me not to do–and I knew if they knew, I’d be grounded. I hope it is nothing dishonorable…but, I’d try to discuss this with your husband and get to the root cause of it. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.


#8

another thought from me- I too used to lie a lot as a teen. It was mostly because I wanted people to like me. For DH, I think that it comes from the fact that he doesn’t want me to get mad. Okay, true, when we were first married I had one heck of a temper. But over the past few years I’ve really worked and prayed on it and it’s much better. In the past he always says “well, I didn’t want you to get mad”. Like the time he backed into a cart corral at the store and tried to sell to me that somebody had hit HIM. Of course, I called him out on it and he says “I didn’t want you to get mad”. DH and his dad had a pretty rocky relationship and for years he struggled to please his dad and get his attention and I wonder if all this stemmed from that. Nonetheless, both my parents and myself are pretty PO’ed, and we just don’t get it- what’s the big deal about coming home early? twk


#9

That’s very good insight…I think that might help, in looking at reasons why we have done the very same things in our pasts. It helps me if I sense someone is lying to me…

I think it’s also important to get to the crux of why he lies…because your relationship is going to (it might already be) turn into a parent/child relationship, instead of a wife/husband one–meaning that he is going to be hiding things from you, as I did or you did, as a child. I think that is where lying can get dicey–if not dealt with, because when we get to be adults–and we are still lying to those we love–people will tend to start treating us like children…(I say this as his response is sometimes “I didn’t want you to be mad.”) Which, by the way, is not an excuse for lying. :wink: That is not why he lies–because you’ll be mad–he lies because he doesn’t feel he’ll be accepted for the truth–and depending on the truth–that will be what you need to find out. If he is doing something less than honorable, and is covering it up with lies–then you need to know that. Truth will set us free. Free to determine how to move forward.

PS–I also think there is a strong possibility that his childhood–trying to please his dad–has left him feeling perhaps inadequate, and never quite certain of what he should say…which could be his reason for lying. But, he was somewhere yesterday–and if he was not at school…then you need to know where he was.


#10

What Whatevergirl and PuzzleAnnie, said. But NOT what Scott Said.:stuck_out_tongue:

If you DH is “He lies to me… It’s usually not really big things.” and “DH is a good dad, a good provider, a professional and takes care of me. He is kind and nurturing and understanding and I just can’t get why he lies.”

Doesn’t sound like he is hiding anything or their is something juicy going on like Scott suggest. But on the Idiot Box aka TV this is this type of stuff makes for great drama and juice.:stuck_out_tongue: As stated above lieing is never good, and this goes both ways for husbands and wives, but are these little lies to keep you from fussing at him? Is he under the marital microscope all the time? Do you have to know what he is doing all the time, as in who have you been with, where did you go, why did it take so long, going from point A to point B, it only takes me half that time?

See what I mean? This is just another thought. Is it safe for him to tell you what he has done min by min? Or will you be scolding and controlling?

www.retrouvaille.org another great way for marriages to grow stronger.


#11

yes, once upon a time I WAS that kind of controlling wife. Always nitpicking at him, always asking him questions and always putting him under the microscope. In the past two years I have asked Blessed Mother to guide me to be a better mom and wife and I believe that through her intervention I have loosened up and become a loving, trusting and comforting wife who is calm. I am not worried about any sort if infidelity issues. We don’t have the internet, and we share a cell line so I can screen all in and out calls. I just don’t have any worries about that. I DO agree that he probably just wants to slide in beneath the radar,so to speak. twk


#12

Twk, I know this isn’t the same situation, but when DH and I were dating, he thought he should take care of things without informing me. Namely, he borrowed money so that he could be the big hero at Christmas one year and buy more than we could afford. Now his heart was in the right place, but it about broke him because he went to one of those payday loan places that have outrageous interest rates. When I found out I was furious… because it put him and I both in a bad place financially and for what??? All because he wanted to be good to me and my kids!!! So after we finally paid it off, I told him how mad I was… but then he did it again!!! Not over Christmas presents this time, but over some bills… problem was again, the high interest rates and by the time you pay it off you have paid over twice what you borrowed. So this time I sat him down and said, this affects me too… I think I should have a say in this decision and please don’t ever do that again. I even went so far as to say, if it happened again, we were over. He never understood how strongly I felt about these type of places or how it hurt me that he was making decisions without me. After that, we sat down and worked out a budget and I explained my thoughts on things like spending more than you have on presents for kids… we came to an understanding.

Maybe, you have to sit down and ask him in a non threatening way why he finds it necessary to lie to you… ask if it is because he fears your reaction or just doesn’t want to argue… then apologize for whatever part you have played in this and ask him to trust you a little more and you will try not to react (yell, scream, throw phones) anymore either…see how that goes… and when you notice he is telling the truth about something hard, tell him you are proud of him and try your best not to react in anger if he does. A little bit of anger management counseling and marriage counseling might not be a bad idea either.


#13

I will keep you in my prayers…this does not sound like “your marriage is ending” at all, rather just needs some tweaks. We are all works in progress…and I wish you great blessings in your marriage.:console:


#14

I have to agree with TIME. Actually my thought was he may have been at work, working, catching up on paperwork, etc. I always get more work done on days that we were closed, no people there bothering me. Or maybe he just needed a day to himself to veg! Oh how I miss those days and would hide from any calls to get one.
Not that he didn’t want to be with his daughter, but sometimes we all need alone time. I have to admit to a few days that I took off work, and kept my son in daycare, just so I could get things done or have a ME day.
I am a firm believer in NEVER allowing family or friends involved in arguments. Mostly family.
I guess I am not understanding why you and your parents were yelling about all of this. It would have been easier to say "well, he had other things to do and didn’t think about calling"
I also agree that you both need to look into www.retrouvaille.org
We are all growing and learning, maybe it is taking him longer to trust you won’t explode. I will say if my husband threw a phone at me for something it would take me awhile to open up to him and trust I won’t get another phone thrown at me. :frowning:


#15

twk, Sweetie, you have BOTH been working so hard!!! You are doing the financial thing with Crown, and you have your burrito business, and things are coming together.

As others have said, you don’t make it easy for the man to tell the truth. I understand your apprehension, but c’mon. School was closed. Maybe he just needed some space.

If it were me, I would first find another sitter for your DD if at all possible. I know things are tight, but your parents brought this one on.

Don’t “share” with Mom any more. it’s one thing to be her adult daughter, but there needs to be a boundary here. She gets no more information about your DH, except that he is fine.

Third: Go see your priest together. He sounds like a fine man from your other posts! Make an appointment. Go see him. If you need something along the lines of ME or Retrouville, he can hook you up and possibly find the funding (also babysitting).


#16

I agree.


#17

okay all- here is what he says happened: school dismissed at about 9am and he was seriously behind on his paperwork. in addition to teaching he takes 2 classes each semester to finish his second MA. He says that he just wanted to stay in school for a few hours and get things caught up since he has an evaluation with the principal coming up and didn’t want all this mess in his room. HE said that he knew if he came home I could ask him to do some housework ( I would) so he stayed there. Also, he figured if he came home early, Mom would probably drop DD at home and he wouldn’t be able to get the paperwork done there either. I can tell that he IS sorry, but we still really need to do the talking to work this thing through.


#18

p.s.- things are actually going a lot better with mom and dad watching the daughter now…really…she is going to pre-school three days a week and they only are watching her now on tuesdays and thursdays from 8:30 to 3:30pm. MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better for all. twk


#19

I would advise you not to discuss your husband with your parents. It is disrespectful to him, even if they watch your daughter.

Secondly, there is never, never an excuse for physical violence. I would advise you to get some therapy to prevent that from happening again. It certainly teachs your daughter the wrong thing.

Then you should both attend retrouvaille.


#20

You also need to work on your anger control and letting your parents get involved in your marriage.


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