I do understand. And I often feel like that about myself. We mothers, wives, daughters can have really bad days, even bad months. You’re not alone. Yes you feel all those things, but yes, you’re a good person and a good mother.
There are just some days that our perfectly good children choose to be the opposite and we don’t perform so well, and feel badly about it.
As regards the abortion, it appears no one came to your aid, no one defended you and your child, and you were little more than a child. You were a child having a child and you both were betrayed by those who failed to support you both. Whatever sin was there it isn’t all yours. If your daughter was only 17…when she gets to 17 you’ll realize how very young she is and how young you were. Your child is not suffering but is in heaven praying for you. That child has a pure soul that never, never sinned. The rest of us do. I ask God that your little child with pray for your other children and you, and put his/her tiny arms around your neck to comfort you.
I can hear the frustration and exhaustion in your voice when I read your blog. Understand, this is why you’re letting the feelings of unforgiveness in, why you’re letting them take over. You made a mistake in your past, a terrible mistake. You’ve told God how desperately sorry you are. And God said welcome home, and was glad to have you back.
You do realize, I hope, that angels rejoiced when you did that. Luke 15:10.
You are forgiven.
You ARE forgiven.
As a fellow Catholic whose had his share of knocks and remains standing with a smile on my face, let me suggest what has worked well for me.
The Divine Mercy Chaplet and most especially that closing prayer which says…
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
I’ll remember you at Mass in the morning. Hang in there.