I had the "talk" with my H


#1

Well, a couple of weeks ago I poured my heart out to my husband about why I’m so unhappy:

No intimacy for over two decades (he has no interest)

1.No children (he never wanted them and without intimacy how can you have them anyway)

  1. Will not have anything to do with my family, especially my 83 year-old Mom who I love dearly and has always been good to H

  2. I’m lonely – our friends have all drifted away, I think because of my H’s MS.

  3. He won’t let me express any sadness or anxiety, telling me it’s affecting HIM too much

  4. Walks away when I try to talk to him

  5. Has refused marriage counselling many times

  6. He used to be a horrible verbal and emotional abuser and has hit me in the past – I find I can’t trust him.

We’ve been married for over 30 years and I feel I’v e wasted my entire life with the wrong man. But because of his health issues, I have much much guilt about leaving. But one person can’t fix a marriage. I even talked to Dr. Harley who advised separation knowing my H’s health issues.

I feel my own health slipping away too. BY the way, when I tried to talk to H about all the above, he walked away.

I need prayers today.


#2

Prayers for you in this hard time!!! :gopray:


#3

God love you he sounds awful! Some people are so selfish!!

:hug3:

Praying!!
:gopray2:


#4

Sweetie, you need to talk to a priest and you need to go to counseling for your own sanity.

I’ve bolded all the things your husband does that have nothing to do with his illness. Turns out not a single one of them can be excused by MS…

You deserve much better than this…talk to a priest. :hug1:


#5

Praying for you… I would advise talking to a priest.


#6

Friend, my heart goes out to you. Kevinsgirl’s advice is very sound, reach out and get help.

On another front, I think you can reach out to some who have been on a hard personal road and can offer you some help from heaven. Saint Monica and Saint Rita come to mind. I have often asked for their prayers. Perhaps ask God directly what He would have you do.

Rather than be driven by guilt, which in your case, doesn’t sound like “good conscience” guilt, but negative guilt…allow God to propel you in a positive direction. For example, let the question be, “what would You have me do?”, rather than, “I am not( leaving, taking care of my own health, or doing anything proactive because of x, y, or z.”

We cannot alter what has already passed, but we can allow God to do a redemptive work in us. This involves giving up our will and taking on His. It is work! But a good work that can help everyone involved, your husband and mother included. Do offer all your suffering, physical and emotional. Put yourself entirely in His hands. He is Faithful!

God Bless you, and please keep us posted!

Peace,
Kelly


#7

I will be praying for you Dermot.

Matt


#8

You can’t make him go to marriage counselling. But you yourself can seek advice and prayers from others. See a priest, they can counsel you.


#9

Well, I would suggest Retrouvaille, but it sounds like he wouldn’t go. :frowning: So I’m agreeing with the previous posters in saying you need to get some counseling, preferably through a Catholic therapist, who can help you deal with all this. I know it must be a very heavy cross to bear. :console: I’ll pray for you too. :gopray2:


#10

I am absolutely astounded you have been able to get through the last 30 years. It sounds more like a prison sentence than a marriage. Thank goodness you have recognized tha value of the gift of your own life and are taking steps to to preserve and protect it!!

One question: Have you given him a deadline in which to respond to you? I wouldn’t waste any more of my time waiting around for this man to emerge from his selfishness/dysfunction/illness…whatever. He’s capable of giving you a response and owes you that at the very least. If you can’t even get that much out of him, I would make plans to separate for a time, making sure there is some base-line level of care to which he can avail himself until such time as his is willing to cooperate with you.


#11

In addition to the suggestions about outside help from the priest, etc;, I would like to see you research “codependency” online. There are some fine lines about being too “me” oriented and demanding personal happiness that you might read that conflict with your actual obligations to your husband, but the more you understand yourself and your own behavior, the better off you will be. It surely can’t hurt to inform yourself to see if you have self defeating behaviors that you can work on. Just trying to help and think what has helped me.


#12

While I do think it is horrible and extremely difficult for you to be living in this marriage, I’m sorry, but I have to cut your husband some slack here. The man has a very serious illness. I have a second cousin with MS, she is my age (43), and is totally wheelchair bound. She never had a life (she was shot in the back as a teenager by a robber while at work), never had a husband or a family. Her life was totally stolen from her by this illness. The fear he must face daily must be crushing. And on top of it, he’s now hearing that he can’t make his wife happy. No wonder he walks away. I probably would too.

Well - I’m really sorry that you are not happy, and I know that probably sounds really flippant, but I truly do not mean it that way. I am sorry, because I was in a relationship for 11 years, and I know what that misery is like.

But - if you are in a sacramental marriage, you have to consider that it is your responsibility to help your husband get to heaven. And given his illness, that may happen sooner, and in a much more difficult way than you ever imagined 30 years ago.

We all have crosses to bear. Yep - soooo cliché. But it really is true. You have no idea what God has in store for you with this life of yours. There is something there to be learned, something you are supposed to gain by this. You may not know what it is now, and think that God is crazy at times, but you need to have faith that His plan is good. It always is. No matter how crummy it may seem at the time.

Please - try to go to counseling on your own. Take care of yourself, and be good to your husband (now, if he hits you again, that’s a different conversation, but I will assume that doesn’t still happen).

Your life is not wasted. It’s not even close to over yet. I’m guessing you are maybe in your 50’s?? You have a lifetime ahead of you yet! Go and find the life in the life you have! :slight_smile:

I will keep you both in my prayers.

~Liza


#13

A Saint who had a similar life comes to mind–St. Catherine of Genoa–she wrote a beautiful work on Purgatory because she knew very well that all suffering and trials are not a waste, but will rather bear beautiful fruit in the end–such is the hope we are saved by. I would seek her intercession and guidance too :slight_smile:


#14

While my troubles do not come close to yours in magnitude I have faced similar frustrations in my life. I appreciate your willingness to allow others to help you and be helped by your openness.

I have sought comfort outside of the home in places such as my work and Church in order to fill gaps that are missing at home. You should be proud that you have not abandoned your spouse but would there be any value in your getting out and recharging your batteries so you are better able to deal with the situation at home?


#15

I just want to say that I’m praying for you, and agree with the posters who suggest counseling by yourself, and a heart-to-heart with a good priest.

I am NOT in the camp of those who simply advise you to pray and offer it up. From what you say, it may not even be a sacramental marriage, if he never wanted children. You have been a saint to put up with this (I am assuming he’s not always had MS?) It sounds as if his emotional abuse (and that is what it is, not to mention the verbal and physical abuse in the past) is not a new development.

God bless you, and get going on that counseling!!!


#16

I don’t know about MS, but other neurological and brain disorders might cause such odd behavior as what the original poster described. Extreme sensitivity to touch, social awkwardness, poor verbal communication skills, inability to understand other’s emotions and sometimes even physical aggression can be caused by autism spectrum disorders or brain injury. I’m not trying to give medical advice, but I suggest the original poster talk to her husband’s doctor about these specific behaviors which she described here.

To the original poster, God bless you for putting up with this bad behavior for so long. When we take marriage vows for better or worse, sickness and health, we never really expect the type of thing you described. It is both frightening and humbling to realize that minds and bodies are so fragile. I pray your spirit stays strong and that God holds you close.


#17

Dear Lord, Dermot2 comes to you today looking for your infinite wisdom to guide her in her decision. She has travelled a long road with a heavy burden Lord, may she rest a while at your feet while you comfort her. Hold her in your arms, for You Lord, understand her pain, You understand her sorrow and her suffering! Pour forth your light upon her and her husband, that they may see You there with them, sorrowful in their pain. May the brilliance of your light grant them eyes to see You there, may they take your outstretched hand, pulling them from their darkness, so they may walk with you through all trials that lie before them. May they look to you always for guidance and direction, hope and faith, and the love no man or woman can match. Stay near them Lord, and watch over them with your tender love, that they may feel peace in your presence and offer you thanks and praise for all you have done in their lives, and all you have yet do. :gopray:


#18

Thank you again and Glod Bless y ou all for your prayers and advice/support.

Someone asked or wondered if my H had had MS for the past 30 years. The answer is no. He’s had sx since 1995 and was dx in 2002. He can still walk (although not that well ), drives, goes to work and takes care of all his own personal needs. So I am not a caregiver in that sense.

We are 56 and 59. My H has consistently demonstrated an unwillingness to discuss our very severe problems, He has refused marriage counselling many many times. So yes I am very depressed, and wonder just how I am going to be able to give care to this man when he eventually needs it. I am already so very exhausted emotionally and feel that this marriage has not been a true or valid one. He never wanted children and from the very beginning insisted I take the pill. I never did but “children” became a non-issue once he lost interest in being intimate. By that time, he was also verbally abusing me and having an intimate life with him was the last thing on my mind.

The abuse wasn’t every day. But his attitude was never one of a spouse who loved and cherished his wife. He was always critical, demanding and cool/cold. I did leave him years ago and again in 2005. But because of his MS, I went back to him after the last separation. I do believe that was a mistake and has only prolonged the inevitable.

I don’t know how to live in this marriage which has deprived me of so much. I know it was also my fault. I should have insisted on counselling very early on, or left, had the marriage annulled and tried to marry again and have a family.

My problem now, is trying to salvage some happiness for myself over the next 20 years and feeling like leaving this M is the only way.


#19

This is a difficult question indeed. But those marriage vows are a ringing in my head right now.

‘For better or for worse’ - your marriage isn’t annulled yet, you’d have to stick through it or actually get it annulled. That way you can be away from him and still care for him if so need be, when the time comes.


#20

My marriage ended after over 30 years of my trying my best to make a person happy who was never going to be happy. In retrospect, I have realized what a sin it was for me to have reached the point when I would lie in bed at night and wish that, when the light dawned, one of us – either of us – would be dead.

The divorce was not my choice; the annulment was. My (grown) children tell me it is as if a load has been lifted from my shoulders . . . life is not nearly as scary when the “worst thing” happens as you think it might be.

Oh, and my ex? He’s still not happy.

You are in my prayers.


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