Last year I went through a divorce, unexpectedly. My exwife woke up one day, told me she never loved me anymore than a friend and the whole thing was done. Everything went final in March 2012. As bad as that was it led me to The Church which I’m so thankful for.
In June 2012 I applied for an annulment and patiently waited and did everything that I needed to do. After working to get my life back together thing got better. I had a mutual friend who was kind, caring, full of life, and Catholic. As much as I wanted to pursue her I knew I had to wait. After the annulment went through we began a long distance relationship (she is in grad school a couple of hours away). She was everything that I had prayed for, embodied a spiritual partner that one could only hope for. I come to find out she is dealing with some mental issues that I won’t delve too far into. But regardless I have my all, I put in all I had mentally and spiritually to help her. I fasted for her, prayed for you, and gave my time to help her.
Things were going great and summer rolled around. We finally got to start hanging out again. Things seem to be getting worse with her problem and I told her if we needed to take a break then I understood, she needed to get better. And I really meant it, I was willing to sacrifice it all for her happiness. She took me up on the offer, much to my dismay.
I feel I had finally found myself, I was on a spiritual plain I’ve never experienced before, I was healthier than I’ve ever been, and have given up a lot of old vices. I was where I know God wanted me to be. Now I’m just lost. I have say with The Blessed Sacrament and talk this over, I’ve (and I feel guilty) yelled at God and just taken all my aggression out on him. This has become harder than my divorce. I feel like I’ve lost myself and am teetering on depression.
So, I hate feeling this way, but I just feel that God doesn’t want me to be happy. It’s always something. I have a lot of baggage that I finally was able to share with somebody and they with me. I just don’t get it, I feel like God just constantly is looking over me like a parent taking away any toy that I have. I can’t eat, constantly sleep, and just cannot get happy.
I need prayers, but more than anything I just needed to type this all out. I just needed to vomit it all out.