Again, for the past few days I have been ‘antsy’. I have no energy to clean my apartment yet disgusted by living in the mess. I have been resentful over things and such. And then it hit me this morning as I was working out, I am upset about father’s day without my dad. My Dad died last may, so when father’s day came around, I was grieving so it was really a set back. To be honest, I don’t even remember it.
But after a year of moving on and slowly accepting it, the feeling of being so alone has come back. I use to always buy my dad ties. I don’t think I ever want to buy another tie for anyone again for a long as I live. I keep thinking about how 4 years ago, my dad was in the hospital and when he came out called me and said ‘Don’t you worry, your daddy is not going anywhere’. A friend said he was probably trying to tell me he will always take good care of me. Last year when he was in the hospital he basically said something to the effect that he didn’t want to live without his health and he was ready to go.
I can not believe the 180% change. In 3 years he went from wanting to take good care of me regardless of all the fights and arguments we had (which were many), to be ready to leave! We never would have genuine good times, but there was enough good, that I am saddened there can’t be more. The pain is so large. It is so weird that a man I never thought was all that handsome is now so gorgeous and someone I would proudly boast is my daddy.
I could go on forever !!!