I have a crush on my married friend...is this a sin? How do I get out of this?


#1

I was actually about to post advice to a poster involved with a married man, and then stopped because I felt like a hypocrite. But then I wasn't sure if I was. I don't feel comfortable posting details, and really, I know the moral issues involved here. But knowing something doesn't make feelings go away suddenly.

So this is my situation. I am friends with a man I met at work, I've been friends with him for about two years. He befriended me when I first started working there, and has given me a lot of helpful advice about work, listened patiently to a lot of "girl talk" issues about my personal life, etc. He has a very sweet wife who's been very nice to me too. They also have an adorable son who is a toddler. They are also Catholic, and indeed meeting this man was one of the catalysts for me to get more interested in Catholicism and throw off some of my prior prejudices.

After being casual friends with him for about half a year, there was an incident in which he helped me out a lot, and ever since this I have had a crush on him, indeed have come to find him very attractive, and I even admit that at times I have impure thoughts about him. I have tried to get over this, I even tried dating someone else but that didn't take away those feelings for this man.

I know I am at the very least in an occasion for sin, if I'm not there already. I don't think this man has any idea how I feel, he has even compared me to a sister at one point. But then there have been times that he has confided marital issues to me, complaining about his wife, once he even started discussing their sex life and obviously this made me feel very uncomfortable. So I am wondering if perhaps I am presenting an occasion of sin for him as well.

Now, he is planning on moving to another state along with his family. Part of me feels this is really a sign, a providential one that I really should let him go and get on with my life. But a part of me still wants to keep in touch with him. I know that either way, I will miss him tremendously.

I know what the right thing to do is, but it's going to be hard. Any idea of what I should do to get over this man?


#2

I can’t say I’ve had a similar experience with a married man, but when it comes to wanting someone you can’t have I can say I know where you’re coming from. My advice would be to give yourself a little bit of distance (his moving out of state would be a great opportunity for this) and then after no contact for a month or so (or however long it takes you to get over him) then resume contact. I’ve made the mistake of trying to get over someone while still seeing them on a regular basis and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Save yourself the hurt and just cut the ties for a little while. It doesn’t have to be forever, just enough time to lick your wounds.


#3

This is the rule: If a woman ever puts you in a position of trust with regards to her husband, you have a duty before God to reward his wife’s trust abundantly. You cannot be his friend unless you are a friend of his marriage and an ally to his wife. If you did not owe it to her as a person, you would owe it to the Sacrament.

  1. Never talk about anyone, but particularly not someone’s spouse, except as you would if he or she were there. If you ever give marital advice, talk and speak as if both parties are your dear friends. You and your co-worker have failed his wife on this point. If you feel he is sharing things she would rather he not share, cut him off as quickly as you would if she were standing there. Direct him to someone his wife would want him to talk to. (Probably her.)

  2. You are going to feel affection for your friends, even married ones. The temptation will be to covet their friendship so much that you want a disproportionate amount for yourself. If you begin to covet that which is not yours, counter by a) cultivating gratitude for that which may rightly be yours and b) cultivating the affection between your friend and those who have the greater claim to their affection and the greater duty to them on that account. Let your friendship be a help to them in that.

In your case, cultivate the value you put on this man’s marriage and the basic friendship that caused him to marry his wife. God chose him for her! Be glad for that. Help with that.

Yes, sometimes we just have to put a distance between ourselves and someone who is a near occasion of sin. That doesn’t keep them out of our minds, though. Our minds also don’t respond well to “don’t think” commands. Instead, use “think instead” commands. When you think “how I would like to be married to him” think “of course I recognize his worth, but it pleased God that he be married to Susan. How much I want for Susan to have a wonderful marriage with this man, to fulfill God’s will in their lives. How happy that will make my friend, to have his marriage to Susan continually improve.” Don’t try to stamp down your will, leaving a vacuum, but substitute God’s will for your own desires.

If Susan is a shrew, then remind yourself how God thirsts for her, and that he placed this guy in her life in order to bring them both to heaven. If you see her as God does, not as she is but as God intends her to become, you will more easily work so as to faciliate God’s will for her, instead of working against it.


#4

I think occasion of sin is right. And, self torture!

I understand how it can happen. It seems innocent, but you share personal details and that creates an emotional attachment to the person.

So, God is giving you a wonderful opportunity to make a clean break. Don't continue to try to foster this friendship. Don't become Facebook "friends," don't become Christmas card buddies, email buddies, etc.

Let it die.

And guard your heart and that of others more carefully next time.


#5

[quote="1ke, post:4, topic:217149"]
I think occasion of sin is right. And, self torture!

I understand how it can happen. It seems innocent, but you share personal details and that creates an emotional attachment to the person.

So, God is giving you a wonderful opportunity to make a clean break. Don't continue to try to foster this friendship. Don't become Facebook "friends," don't become Christmas card buddies, email buddies, etc.

Let it die.

And guard your heart and that of others more carefully next time.

[/quote]

This is good advice. It has gotten to the point that all contact ought to be in the context of the marriage--every time you talk, you ask how his wife is doing, you encourage him to romance her, you support the marriage. If you're battling the sin of covetousness, putting yourself on that firing range is self-torture. Be there for the marriage if the marriage demands it, but otherwise, there are forms of penance that are far more likely to profit your soul than that one.

If there is any correspondence, make sure it is entirely joint correspondence, but if you can drop out of their lives without their objection, so much the better. There is no sin there, and occasions of sin by staying in touch. Be glad they are not in-laws, and run.

In the future: Make yourself a friend of no man, save you are a staunch friend of his marriage. If that is too hard, avoid having any male friends. The loss of a profitable friendship is worth the protection of souls. "If your eye be your undoing..."


#6

Married people generally never intend to have affairs.

"They just happen"... basically because all the circumstances line up, and the door is left wide open, and we're human and we blow it.

Because of this, we have to take precautions when necessary to AVOID leaving that door open.

It's not a sin to find this man attractive. Or perhaps wish that it were true that he was infact available.

But he's NOT available. Nor will he be, EVER. Don't go considering what ifs.

In order to protect your heart and your soul, you need to disengage. You need to realize that you've been shown what a good Catholic man can look like... Now go find one, who is available!

When he moves. Let him move completely. Do not get his e-mail. Do not allow for potential. Allow him to be a man that you can still admire. Not a cheating pig.

It's not unusual for attraction to develop out of action or personality. It's often personality and what a person says, and how they say it that makes them attractive, or instantly ugly. For me... Brad Pitt as a global example. So many women see him as this gorgeous man... All I see is a Cheat. Not good enough for his ex-wife, and seriously, not good enough for his current wife. They both deserved a man that holds the sacrament of marriage closely to his heart. Not his penis.


#7

[quote="faithfully, post:6, topic:217149"]
But he's NOT available. Nor will he be, EVER.

[/quote]

Death dissolves this sacrament, FYI.

:thumbsup:


#8

[quote="1ke, post:4, topic:217149"]
I think occasion of sin is right. And, self torture!

I understand how it can happen. It seems innocent, but you share personal details and that creates an emotional attachment to the person.

So, God is giving you a wonderful opportunity to make a clean break. Don't continue to try to foster this friendship. Don't become Facebook "friends," don't become Christmas card buddies, email buddies, etc.

Let it die.

And guard your heart and that of others more carefully next time.

[/quote]

Us evangelicals call this" good preachin". In this situation, get that "toe" out of the water


#9

I think the right thing is to let him go, even if that is very painful… that is the only way to make sure that you won’t continue to being tempted towards sin. It might be that God brought this man into your life to bring you closer to Catholicism, but now he’s moving away for a reason: to protect you both from sin, and to protect his wife from losing her marriage. I’ve heard so many stories of people who thought they are “strong enough” and never wanted to have an affair, but overestimated their strength and sinned. Often it is best to just remove yourself from the situation. Hope that helps!


#10

[quote="WetCatechumen, post:7, topic:217149"]
Death dissolves this sacrament, FYI.

:thumbsup:

[/quote]

Yes... Until Death do us part...

I wouldn't recommend to the OP that she wait for this... for about 1 million reasons...


#11

*We must only have one "crush", the Love of Jesus Christ, our Lord & Savior!
*

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark


#12

We non-believers call it “good common sense.”

(BTW: 1ke “preachin’ it” to the evangelicals is a concept I just cannot wrap my brain around.)


#13

Yes, crushes happen. Just act morally. Maintain distance. That's all.


#14

Hello Toe! :)

Good on you for recognizing the temptations! I think it's great that you're able to look yourself squarely in the eye and see what might be a rather precarious situation down the line.

I'd echo what everyone has already mentioned above. I know it's tough :o...and sometimes we sort of stumble into these situations and before you know it, you're in over your head. But you can feel the waters climbing and that's great. Most people just dive right in (sorry...I can't get the toeinthewater analogy out of my head...and I loved HisKid's quote btw lol too funny).

Anyway, if I were you, I would look at his moving as a sign. And basically say, ok, time to move on. I think in order to make it easier, do the "no contact rule." That is, once he's moved, cut ALL cords...no phone, email, FB, texts - nada. It'll be easier for you this way.

I mean think of it this way too - he's on your brain. How many great, single guys are you MISSING OUT ON with this guy on the brain? Some may be passing you by as we speak! :eek: Someone who IS single, available, and could give you ALL of himself. :) Imagine it!

Also...your friend...I'm sure he's a great guy and all...but he's a friend, not your hubby. And you don't really know him. I'm sure he seems great and all...but like...think of it this way...whenever I go on vacation to visit a new place I'm like "OMG - I could sooo live here! I love it!" Well, it wasn't until my brother clued me in one day that I had to laugh - he goes "yeah, of course you love it - you're on VACATION. You're in a good mood, you're traveling, you're NOT WORKING...it's great! Every place is great when you're on vacation!"

The same can be said for these kinds of friendships. You aren't his wife, you don't see him every day...you're seeing like, .10 percent of him. You don't know him as his wife knows him. So just remind yourself of that one.

The truth of the matter is, there IS a great guy out there waiting for you. But he's single, available, not married. Distance yourself from this guy so he can turn back to his wife and strengthen their relationship. And someday, when you're old and gray, you can look back and tell you're NOW husband, "oh honey! I just thought of someone I hadn't remembered in aaages! So listen..."once upon a time I knew this guy...and I came to this forum..." ;)


#15

quote="rick43235, post:12, topic:217149"

[/quote]

Clearly you were not with me on my flight out of Atlanta Hartsfield when I was in the middle seat with an aisle, within a whole section incidentally, of Baptist missionaries on their way to Mexico to evangelize.

I preached it for 2 hours on the tarmack and 2.5 more hours until we landed at my destination.

And, yes, that baptist boy didn't know what hit him by the end of it. His parting words, "you've given me a lot to think about."


#16

[quote="1ke, post:15, topic:217149"]
Clearly you were not with me on my flight out of Atlanta Hartsfield when I was in the middle seat with an aisle, within a whole section incidentally, of Baptist missionaries on their way to Mexico to evangelize.

I preached it for 2 hours on the tarmack and 2.5 more hours until we landed at my destination.

And, yes, that baptist boy didn't know what hit him by the end of it. His parting words, "you've given me a lot to think about."

[/quote]

:thumbsup: I LOVE IT!


#17

[quote="1ke, post:15, topic:217149"]
Clearly you were not with me on my flight out of Atlanta Hartsfield when I was in the middle seat with an aisle, within a whole section incidentally, of Baptist missionaries on their way to Mexico to evangelize.

I preached it for 2 hours on the tarmack and 2.5 more hours until we landed at my destination.

And, yes, that baptist boy didn't know what hit him by the end of it. His parting words, "you've given me a lot to think about."

[/quote]

We are having great success in the two churches we recently planted in Mexico..People are coming to Christ..We just had a prayer request on our missions prayer list looking for larger space to meet..Sorry to OP for going off track...lot of lost souls out there...


#18

[quote="1ke, post:15, topic:217149"]
Clearly you were not with me on my flight out of Atlanta Hartsfield when I was in the middle seat with an aisle, within a whole section incidentally, of Baptist missionaries on their way to Mexico to evangelize.

I preached it for 2 hours on the tarmack and 2.5 more hours until we landed at my destination.

And, yes, that baptist boy didn't know what hit him by the end of it. His parting words, "you've given me a lot to think about."

[/quote]

While it pains me to admit it, you occasionally give me something to think about too. (Although you usually just give me a headache.)


#19

To the OP: Think of it like a diet, only a mental diet.

You've indulged in some things you shouldn't have, and now you are weighed down by the possibility of sin, if not true sin, so it's time to start turning your mind toward other things, and not indulging in the "forbidden food" of this entertaining the thought of your married friend.

When the thoughts come up, label them TEMPTATION and turn away from the thought. It's wonderful that he's leaving the state! What an opportunity for you! I wish all the chocolate in my life would get up and leave the state! :)

We do not have to linger on sinful thoughts. Imagine a big red STOP sign every time you start daydreaming about him. Pray to God to show you instead, an image of your future husband. You may be surprised at what God chooses to show you. Even if He does not show you right away, when you recognize that this man will not be your husband and that by even growing at all any more intimate with him is wrong, you will start to change.

The diet imagery is because I have been gluttonous lately with food. I haven't wanted to have self-discipline with food because there have been other problems in my life, but this self-indulgence has caused me to gain about 25 lbs. over the last couple of years. it's time to stop myself from snacking, from eating junk food, from picking really high-fat restaurant meals. Yes, food is yummy but I don't have to give in to every craving and desire.

So put yourself on a diet, girlfriend! No more daydreaming or fantasizing about him! No improper conversation! Start on the diet now, and by the time he leaves you will be less invested and hopefully, you can let him go without pain or suffering. You will feel much lighter for it!

:)


#20

Take this from a guy who learned the hard way: anytime you are presented with a situation like you find yourself in, if you listen, your conscience will warn you. Don't allow yourself to get in a spot where you will be tempted.

Since you are in that position, let the person go, suffer a little pain for a while, and get your life back.

having been on both sides of that issue, I can promise you that letting go is the best way.


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