I have a huge problem


#1

First off, this is my first post in these forums.

My husband and I got married about a year ago. After we got married, he completely changed. He calls me names, cusses at me, and most recently, locked me out of the house at 1:30 in the morning. His excuse was, well, I didn’t think you were going to come home. Thankfully, his sister is staying with us and was asleep in the living room and could let me in. If he wasn’t a Catholic I guess I would be more understanding. I am not (as of yet) but have been spending all my days here on CAF for a good three months. I grew up the “dreaded” fundamentalist and have stopped going to my church out of respect for my husband being Catholic and have been coming to church with him. I do have legitimate concerns about the Catholic Church, otherwise, of course I would be Catholic. We knew our theology was different and I was hesitant about getting married, but he assured me it would be ok. I (stupidly) went ahead and married him anyway.

I don’t get it. How can someone be one person at church (wanting to be a Eucharistic Minister, wanting to be a deacon later on, wanting to go to Bible studies) and a completely different one at home? He has even called me a heretic on numerous occasions, and spits out the word Bible church like the does the Lord’s name in vain. From what I have read here Catholics (as fundamentalists I know do) believe that you are to live the Christan life 100% of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means a saint, but all I am asking for is a little bit of respect. What can I do to snap him out of this? Any and all advice would be apprecitated. Thanks!


#2

This is abuse. Demand counseling, with his priest if necessary.

If he will not go, you need to protect yourself from his escalating abuse. He may have mental problems. No one completely changes overnight. Either he was hiding his behavior before, has a mental condition, or has some sort of physical imbalance producing a mental imbalance.

Honestly, I think you need to seek professional help.

As for becoming a Catholic. I hope you will explore that on your own and convert for the right reasons-- because you believe the Catholic Church to be true-- not because your spouse is pressuring you.


#3

Sweet Sad_wife:

Your story is the same as mine, only the tables were turned. My husband was the fundamentalist preacher’s kid who was one way at church and a completely different ungodly person at home. I was the wife who grew up Catholic and ended up marrying this “perfect” person (at least that’s how he appeared to the world.)

Your husband’s behavior is NOT Catholic. Are you a bible reading Christian?
You might be interested in learning what a Catholic marriage looks like from a Scriptural point of view. It is FAR BETTER than what you are experiencing!
Read: Good News for Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. Pope John Paul II wrote and spoke extensively on marriage when he was the Pope. You can read his thoughts here:
www.christopherwest.com

God bless you and your husband. I pray that he would be open to learning how to be a Catholic husband. :signofcross:


#4

Please, do not wait for this to escalate. Insist on couseling, his Priest will be able to direct you to someone.

Keep yourself safe.

Prayers that your husband will have a conversion and return to the practice of his faith.


#5

The only problem with this is that he wants me to talk to him about these things, but every time I do I’m being a “drama queen”. When I bring up me going alone, he automatically vetoes it because he doesn’t want to pay for it. I am not working right now because I am starting school in August. Oh, and that’s another thing. Anyone (like me) who doesn’t have a Bachelor’s degree is a waste of skin, so I am going back to school. When I was working all my money went into savings, so we have a sizeable nest egg for things, but he insists on paying cash (actual cash) for everything.


#6

What you describe is abuse, esp. if you can’t get to your joint money that you helped earn. It is not going to change with him. He has to want to change it. The fact that he wants to be a deacon and all this other stuff is irrelevant and immaterial. What you describe is still abuse. You can’t make anybody change. You can only change yourself.

You need to find the women’s abuse center in your area and get together a plan, either one where you can learn to deal with the abuse, or where you can get out of the marriage. This is not going away overnight. There is no magic wand to make it all better. Time spent without addressing the issue will not make it better.


#7

How many times does he have to tell you how worthless you are before you will realize you made a huge mistake, leave, and rectify it?

You should never have married this man. That is clear now. Do not stay until you have children to be subjected to his behavior, and who will make you more trapped than anything you can imagine now.

You made a mistake. Don’t continue making it!


#8

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:


#9

sad_wife,

When I hear you say that, “out of respect for my husband” you have stopped going to your church, I immediately thought that this could be making you more sad. I understand where you’re coming from. I really do. I married a “perfect” cradle catholic who prayed like I prayed, knew a lot about the bible and is a very gentle-spirited man. Sometimes I feel like he admires and respects other catholics more than he admires me simply because they are better catholics than me. I converted before we were married, but during the time we spent dating I didn’t just stop going to my church out of respect for him. I had to explore where I was at with God before it mattered where I was at with my boyfriend.

I would suggest going to BOTH churches during this time of searching. My DH even came with me a couple of times and it gave him my perspective and I got to hear his take on my church. I kept going to both, and what happened for me as I did this was that I began to feel that, while my “bible” church was very enjoyable and a great time of worship and socializing something was missing. I began to feel like I was worshipping God the way that I wanted to worship Him instead of how GOD wanted to be worshipped. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that worship at protestant churches displeases God, but it’s not the complete fulfillment of His plan like what we have in the Catholic church.

It sounds like you are seeking answers about your faith, and hopefully your husband wants you to experience truth and profound joy during this journey. He’s not helping by taking low-ball shots at where you’ve come from. Don’t let him make you feel like your fundamentalist background is “dreaded”. It is not. It’s your foundation. Not everyone is born into Catholicism, I certainly wasn’t. It can make it harder when your spouse was born into it, because if your husband is anything like mine, he just doesn’t question ANY OF IT. And I still do question certain things, even though I live the Catholic faith- by faith. But just the fact that I question it and he doesn’t causes discord. But I maintain that asking questions is healthy.

As I studied the Catholic faith, my husband learned a lot about his own faith- about the WHYS behind things. So don’t let yourself be fooled into thinking that you’re dragging him down by not being Catholic. You just may be the one to inspire a new fire in his faith as you go on your own journey towards truth. And pray for your husband.:gopray2: Pray that the Holy Spirit would form his conscience and that your DH would be convicted of his harsh actions toward you and desire to be a better reflection of Christ’s love in your life.:heart:


#10

Your husband is being abusive and controlling. Are you going back to school solely because he belittles you because you don’t have a degree?

I agree with all the other posters. This is not normal, healthy or Catholic behavior. You need to get out of the situation you are in for your own good and safety.

Praying for you,

kevinsgirl


#11

sweet sister in Jesus,
Are you afraid of him? If not, I’d advice you to put down the foot: be very clear with him that you will not tolerate his behaviour. Do not become a victim and an intimidated mouse…
His behaviour is totally unacceptable. It really sounds strange… It sounds like he is sick. You have to get help from the outside. I know the situation is surreal… but it is NOT your fault.

As for the Church thing. I would advice you to listen to God over man… If you believe your fundamentalist church was/is correct then go there… follow where the Holy Spirit guides you to be. Really, I can’t believe you would go to another church than the one you believe to be representing the truth best, just because of a mortal man.
Christ is the Lord and your only God, your Hope, your Life.
And just for the record. We dont dread fundamentalist. :tsktsk: We love you and we long to be one with you in the fullness of Christ’s life that we all yearn to live… and which we cant live if The Body is maimed … we need each other. We need you guys, and you need us.

You should not demand a bit of respect. You should have respect in abundance, both as a human person, a wife, and a child of God through Christ.

Dont let this man mess with your head and dont think you can deal with the situation on your own. You need help NOW.

:hug1:


#12

What were you doing out at 1:30 in the morning? or did he physically drag you out of the house and then lock you out?

If it was the latter, you should have called the police…you would have had the sister as a witness.

He must have been showing this behavoir “before” you tied the knot…even a little. Have any of his siblings or parents let it out that he behaves this way before you said “I do”?

It wouldn’t matter if he was Catholic or not…that is not an issue. His behavior towards you…is. Have you asked him point blank?

Do you have to ask him for money? danger…danger…
Does he tell you that you can’t go to work? danger…danger
Does he tell you what to wear, how to fix your hair? danger…danger

Having him foot the bill for your schooling…keeps you “dependant” and this is perhaps what he wants. Control.

Should you dare think for yourself and get a job making you’re own money…it would tip his apple cart.

I have to ask, did you discuss these things before you were married?

Oh, and tell mr got rocks, that you can get counselling for free…your parish priest can help you and refer you.

Do you parents or his parents know this is going on? What does his sister say about it…as she is living with you all?


#13

He had gotten mad at me over something trivial and then turned it into “if you don’t believe like I do then we’re not having kids”. I left cause I didn’t want to look at him. I went across the street to the internet cafe that our apartment complex has. I was there for over 2 hours looking at things on the internet. I had my keys and he had locked the bolt that you lock when you’re inside and had gone into our room, shut the door, and gone to sleep. When I came in I got the whole “where the (explitave) have you been” to which I answered, obviously you weren’t worried (I had my phone with me, btw, and he could have called).

In hindsight, I realize should have seen this coming. And no, none of his family members said anything to me until two weeks after we were married, when his sister stayed with us for two weeks. I didn’t know how his family life was until after we were married. I had met his parents before, but they always came to us. A month after we were married he told me that his mom and dad have some serious relationship problems. His sisters say to me all the time, yeah, we probably should have told you.

And yes, we did discuss everything. He wasn’t and on-fire Catholic and said (I quote) “We’ll go to a Lutheran church cause its a mix of the two”. This comment is what my dad went on to give us his blessing. I guess this is a classic case of man says what he wants to get the girl and then fails to deliver.

And to answer your question, his sister is just staying with us for a few days and doesn’t really have an opinion because she’s seen it all her life with her dad.


#14

Please don’t take your husband as a representation of what a Catholic ought to behave like. Somehow a few people behave like extreme hypocrites. Example: All but one of my practicing Catholic friends are great people. But back in 2006 this particular “friend” absolutely blindsided my husband and I with his snakelike behavior towards us and others. He went to daily mass and everything! --we were amazed and shocked that he was basically living a double life morally. However, we don’t regard him as being representative of practicing Catholics, and he is just some kind of bad apple.

Many of the other posters have given very good advice. Cussing at you and calling you names is RIDICULOUS! There is a huge problem if he doesn’t want to take any action to mend your relationship. If at any moment you feel unsafe or he threatens to hurt you, LEAVE. Put your friggin’ foot down or things will only get worse. And for goodness sake don’t have any children while this problem remains.

Also, make sure you aren’t doing anything unreasonable. Keeping a good relationship is a two-way street. Not sure why you were coming home at 1:30am and you evidently didn’t contact him to say that you would be home late. If my spouse didn’t call I would be upset and worried. And in any case, my doors always remain locked at night for safety–so unless you live in a super-safe part of town–it doesn’t seem strange that the door was locked. You DO have a key to your own house, right? If he doesn’t allow you to have a key then he is obviously a control freak following the pattern of a domestic abuser.


#15

Geez, I take way to long to write my posts.

Sounds like you just didn’t know him well enough before you got married. Now that the courtship is over he’s slipping into his real self. If you ever have to divorce him I wish you the best in getting an annulment and marrying a nicer guy.


#16

He told you what church you will be attending? You didn’t have an opinion on it? Why not?

As for the not having kids remark…good idea, don’t have them…not with him. This man is abusive. If he refuses to get counselling…you go…without him. Learn how to stand on your own two feet. Seems like you married too quickly…your idea…or his. There are men out there who are looking for “moms” and not “wives”.

It was wise of you to get away from him for awhile. And when he cussed you for “where the “blank” have you been”. You should have turned around, got in the car and drove off. If your parents or siblings do not live nearby, I would have called a friend. He’s not your “father” and he is not your “boss”. You are not his “child” or “employee”.

Is the car in his name? Is the lease for the apartment in his name? I hope not. Do you have your own car in your name?

I think this bozo needs to realize that you will not respond to his abusive behavoir. If you yell and scream and cuss back at him…he will then say…ooopsss I hit her because she provoked me. Don’t give him creedence.

If you don’t have a job, find one…even if it’s tasting pies in a pie factory.

Are your bank accounts all in his name? I hope not.


#17

Excellent post by Julianna–very important questions.

By the way, welcome to CAF :tiphat: Forgot to mention that in my first post. I really do hope that we are offering some useful “free” advice. We feel awful that you find yourself in this situation, and we will pray for you and your husband. :gopray2:


#18

He was very likely putting on an act while courting you. It is common. You will not be able to turn him “back” into that person if so, because that person was never him for real.
This means if true that he is a calculating, careful planner who has planned from the start to make you think he’s nice until your ways out are closed. He may already be smearing your name, undermining your means of surviving alone and taking mental notes on your quirks.
Please check out a writer named Lundy Bancroft. He worked for a lot of years with a lot of abusive men and got into their heads. He knows the tricks they play and why. He has saved the lives of lots of spouses (mainly wives) with advice that was based on the facts.


#19

This is what I would do, call his Parish and make an appointment with his Parish Priest. If this man is still considering being a Deacon, that doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
You could also ask the Priest for other resources to get help. They have lots of good programs in many Dioceses. Catholic Charities and others… I will keep you both in my prayers.


#20

Your local Catholic Charities or other Diocesan office may have counseling available on a sliding scale. However, if you earned money that is in savings - well, that is your money and you can use it to pay for counseling.

Please call your Priest, he will be able to point you in the right directions.


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