[quote="Moonshyne, post:1, topic:324167"]
I am the 37 year old mom of three beautiful children that the Lord blessed me with. I am engaged to their father (yes, we had children and lived together before marraige) We do plan to marry in September next year.
I am in a very dark time in my life and have been for the last years. I had a very hard life. My mother was an alcoholic/pain killer addict who I tried for years to save. She had a heart of gold and would help anyone but could never help herself. She died 6 years ago. It was her death that changed me forever. More on that in a minute. I was also physically and sexually abused. My soul is scarred badly from all I endured.
Growing up in a crazy house was not easy. I found myself very scarred in the aftermath. My parents had split, my father and I no longer were close as we were, I was severely depressed and anxiety ridden..and life was chaos and pain. But once my mother died it got a lot worse. Two years after she passed I had my first child. I felt so lucky, so blessed but when she was 3 months old I fell pregnant with my middle child, a son. When he was born he was colicky and I became very overwhelmed..aside from never getting over my moms death, I had no one to help. I struggled to mother 2 very small babies with NO help. I also was diagnosed with spinal stenosos a very painful condition when my son was a baby. I was prescribed oxycontin. I soon became very addicted to these painkillers. They took my pain away - both physical and mental. I spiralled downward and have never been able to get those pills out of my life.
Today I still struggle!!! I am on methadone but also take pain pills on top. I spend way too much money on them and am in financial ruin over them! Its all my fault. I cant seem to be happy without them. Deep in my heart I am in so much pain that being without any pain meds I feel angry, anxious, sad, depressed and cannot deal with life. I feel like a failure as a mom, a person, a wife...everything! No one would guess my turmoil. On the outside I appear normal and loving mother but inside I am dying.
I always believed in God since I was small and still do but am so ASHAMED. I could have been so much more in life but I let the pain and anguish from my youth affect me badly throughout my adulthood until this addiction started years ago. I feel so far away from God even though as I say my nighty prayers with my kids "Now I lay me down to sleep" and tell them about God I feel like I have lost God. Like I am just a failure and wonder why I was even born. I want to change so badly. I want to be so much better then I am. I have so much self loathing and regret for all I have done. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be redeemed and fix my destroyed life. I dont evven know where to start! I had so many dreams and so much potential and have thrown it all away. I graduated despite living a nightmare at home. I started out after graduation getting a great job and doing well..but my past caught up with me and so much pain. SO MUCH PAIN. Hurt me to my soul and led me to become what I have..a shell of my former self.
Please..where do I start? How do I find my way to a life of happiness? How do I become the person I want to be? Someone my kids can be proud of? I NEED to change for them and for me. I just feel so overwhelmed because there is so much I need to fix..everything from stopping relying on pills to feel happy to becoming a better housekeeper..and everything in between. I feel lost and dont know where to go from here. I just know that I want so so so badly to change and be successful and make a good life for my family. I am scared I dont have the strength to do it I used to be so strong and smart..I have lost so much of what I was..help me please.
Pray the Holy Rosary