I’m 20 years old and want to get married but I now have this nagging feeling that God is calling me to the priesthood. The problem is, I really, really, REALLY don’t want to be a priest. The thought of God wanting me to be a priest makes me sweat. Literally. As in clammy palms and back, racing heart beat type of sweat. I want to have my own kids, and give myself to a woman (together with God of course).
I’m nervous because I used to have an issue when I was about 12, and made a promise to God that if he healed me from it I’d become a priest. He healed me, butI don’t want to fulfill that promise.
I’ve asked God to forgive me for not wanting to uphold my end of the deal.
My interests are as follows: I’d like to help people. A large number of people. I’ve always been into computers, and recently started programming and found that I’m having a blast with it. I’m studying to be a mechanical engineer and the idea that robotic limbs and supports can be used to help amputees and patients who have been paralyzed fascinates me. It thrilling.
My interests have always been largely technological. Taking apart and building computers, fixing things (mechanical and electrical). But once again, regardless of what I do in life, I feel the need to help a large amount of people. I firmly believe I can achieve this as an engineer in biotechnology. But I’d also like to get married.
My fear is: If I become an engineer, live a relatively successful life, get happily married, (and help people) that God will at some point slam me down for not choosing the priesthood. I imagine cancer, or some life threatening disease. Or perhaps I’ll have the life I wanted but with consequences. Someone close to me (like my kid(s) or wife) dies prematurely or my kids are born with serious health problems.
I have dreams and I’d like to achieve them. I understand that God has his will. My question is, can’t I achieve my dreams and still please God by doing a variety of things to help others? Both through my profession and as well as donations, and volunteer work?
I’m scared. This is extremely frustrating. I can’t focus sometimes. I know it’s my own fault but sometimes I’ll think about this too hard while studying and won’t be able to focus until I clear my mind. I just want God’s approval of my dreams.
Thank you for reading.