I will try to be brief, but I will try to give all the relevant information I can.
I was a Catholic convert and was very militant about the faith. I tried to advocate for the faith a lot and was very “preachy”, and looking back on it I ended up driving a lot of people away from the Church because I was arguing from a position of wanting to be right and not being tempered with a spirit of love and compassion. Then, about three years ago I became involved with the occult. This was not your typical Wiccan “cast a love spell with roots and herbs” type of thing, but actually trying to conjure to visible appearance demons and spirits to make deals and pacts with them through rituals in manuscripts written in the dark ages and renaissance. I stopped going to mass at this time. About a year and a half ago I repented of that (I was still a believer then) and I made a good confession and never fooled with the occult again. Although I vowed to return to mass I never did.
About this time I began to watch YouTube videos put out by atheists who were battling modern feminists and social justice warriors. At first I was interested only for political reasons, but soon I started watching their other videos arguing against theism and Christianity in particular. Although there were a lot of things said I have come to accept, what I cannot get over is how cruel God is described in the Old Testament and how this runs contrary to the spirit of the New Testament. For example, God Kills millions of people and animals, including babies and young children, in a flood, he tells the Hebrews to bash infants’ heads against rocks when they invade several towns in the promised land, there is a test which would produce an abortion prescribed for a wife suspected of adultery, and he treats Job horribly in a bet with the Devil. I could continue, but to be brief I will say that if the God of the Old Testament is real, even if those stories were myth meant to convey some truth, if they were inspired by him I would have to say he is pretty much the opposite of good; I would have to say he’s pretty evil.
I could accept the teachings of Jesus and his claim of divinity if I could get over my rejection of the God of the Old Testament being the same as the God of the New, but I can’t and so the whole thing falls apart. I realize the Church views my position as heresy. I do not know what to do at this point.
My faith was a great treasure to me and to lose it has shaken my very being to the core. I am in poor health and found great comfort in believing I would live on with Jesus forever; now, however, I am terrified of dying and just ceasing to exist. I don’t think I can even go to confession because I don’t believe in God anymore so I don’t fear him or hell. It is annihilation that I fear. I was much, much more happy as a faithful Catholic. What can I do to get my faith back? Is there any hope for me?