I know I need to go to confession

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. For a few months we’ve been talking seriously about getting married after college (which is about three years away). We went into this relationship with the understanding that we both wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. This was a particular worry to me because I am Catholic and he is not. Not only is he not Catholic, he’s not really anything. He was raised Lutheran however he is no longer practicing (no one in his family is) and he doesn’t believe in basic Christian principles (like the Trinity). I know, it doesn’t sound like one of those ideal relationships that we wish our Catholic daughters would be involved in. But for a long time it was ideal. We were perfectly cute and pure, although temptations were always there. But lately, we’ve found ourselves giving into those temptations. We haven’t gone “all the way” but there are things that he thinks are ok that I don’t, like hand-jobs and other things that are typically considered to be "in the grey area. But, other than shirts, we’ve never removed our clothing although we have touched eachother’s “private parts”. It’s not something that’s been happening regularly for a long time, it’s only been recently and it’s happened no more than 3 or 4 times, once or twice where he moved my hand to touch him. I know I need to go to confession for my part in this behavior but I’m having trouble. Not only do I dread going to confession in general (I feel horrible enough about what I’ve done without someone reminding me how offensive it is) but it’s a much bigger issue than I’ve ever had to deal with before. I don’t know exactly what I’m expected to tell the priest.
I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this after the most recent incident. I stopped wearing my purity ring and I told him why. The visual helped to get it through to him that what we were doing isn’t right and although he says that he doesn’t agree, and he thinks these are ok, I can tell that he doesn’t actually believe that.
Help and prayers are much appreciated.
One more note, I love my boyfriend very much and I know he loves me too. I hope this doesn’t put either of us in a bad light. I know the solution to this isn’t to break up and find a better, Catholic boyfriend. I know God brought us together to love and be with eachother forever, we’re just having trouble with lust.


How about a “cooling off” period? Go places together only if other people are there so that the temptation isn’t as great. The two of you may love each other very much now, but a lot could happen in the next three years.

And, please, don’t cut yourself off from the church. Don’t compromise your faith.

To be straightforward, yes you should go to confession. Such touching is a grave sin and if done with full knowledge and full consent (ie he didnt force you to and you didn’t try to stop it), it should be confessed before recieving communion (if you didn’t know, dont hate yourself, just stop for now until confession).

Next I think the best way is to make a special appointment with a priest you trust. Many are very kind and aren’t out to point the finger or make you feel awkward when seeing you later (trust me they have heard worse sins and besides its Jesus you really talk to). The comfort of the priest as a fatherly figure sitting down and gently counseling will be better for this then going in behind a screen for a brief moment in a regular confession setting (though if this is the best option for you then choose this).

Finally, you need to really analyze if this relationship is what God is calling you to. Your bf and you are at odds about faith at the very least and morals too. I would think that he would have to show very strong committment to respecting and loving the same morals you do (if he is just going along to make you happy, this does not bode well for your marriage; will he want you to get your tubes tied or use contraception, will he accept every act being open to life or just want oral sex)? Unless he is really willing to change his life because he wants to be a better person, it will be hard for you two to reconcile differences and you will continue to face difficulties and temptations to sin in the future. There are men out there that will respect you and maybe you are called to find a good Catholic man (or Jesus might be calling you to himself as a Sister). It is hard to leave a relationship filled with strong emotional attachments, but don’t ever leave Jesus for anyone. See how your bf really feels; if he wants to live a chaste life because he sees it as good, but realize that if he does not want to and may only do it to make you happy; you will never be happy together. God does not call two people to a relationship if one or both have a distorted view of love and are not willing to get over it.

It’s not that he’s not willing to get over it. Honestly, right now I am more worried about getting ourselves out of the trouble that we’ve put ourselves into.
I asked my boyfriend to start going to Mass with me so that he better understands what it is I believe. Although he doesn’t associate himself with any faith, it’s more because he never fit into one (his parents were divorced, he has only lived with his mom, she never took him to church but relied on her parents to take him to church, etc) and he never learned Lutheran teaching. From what he told me, I could see him possibly finding Catholicism. Anyway, so he has been to Mass with me a few times now. Not as often as I’d like but it’s better than nothing.
For the most part, I’m trying to open every door and leave the ultimate decision up to him. I’m not sure where this issue lies then, if he never becomes Catholic and never goes to confession.
As for me, I don’t feel as though I have a trustworthy priest (not that I can’t go to him for confession, just that I wouldn’t like to have a private counseling meeting with him). I’m not sure how to explain what I’ve done because although I feel I am no longer a virgin I can’t exactly go in there and say “I lost my virginity to my boyfriend” and call it a day.

Sexual sins are serious business.

1 Corinthians 6 verses 12 - 20 say pretty much everything that needs to be said. Check it out!

You are a temple of the Holy Spirit! Imagine you and your boyfriend laying on the altar of your church doing what you did…I think you get the picture!

Affection is fine, but it cannot lead to any temptation whatsoever. The minute where there is temptation to sin from either of you two, is when you have gone too far.

I know that you are going to be fighting an uphill battle for purity. You know what you have to do.

God Bless.


Regarding confession…just go, if your embarrassed by the priest in your parish…go somewhere else.Tell the priest that you an your boyfriend were intimate in ways that a reserved for marriage, but haven’t had intercourse. Truthfully, the priest won’t yell at you or call you names. I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised, he will be very kind to you

You are still a virgin…you have more knowledge now than you should have…but you are still a virgin.

Don’t worry.

Bad example…I’m married and wouldn’t have relations on the altar! Sick!

You say “Father, I have been sexually intimate and I am unmarried.” The Priest may or may not ask questions from there.

If this young man does not respect your morals now, I would suggest you find a Catholic young man who will respect God and you.


Thanks everyone. I just wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say, I guess. I always get so nervous when I go that I babble and I didn’t really want to babble at him for too long. He probably wouldn’t have minded, too much, but I still wanted to know what I should say.

Anyway, there goes my babbling again…

I just wanted to tell you my story because I was once young too and had a boyfriend who was baptized in a protestant faith but his family rarely practiced their faith. He had not been taught his faith either. He talked me into going too far before we were married too. I was raised Catholic. But I kept listening to my boyfriend and I felt so in love that I decided that I wanted to marry him. I left my faith because he didn’t want to be Catholic or take the classes that were required before marrying in the Church. I just recently came back to the Catholic Church after many years. I have many many regrets, although I am still married to him. Our two grown boys are not baptized. One is atheist. And one is agnostic. It was very difficult to have different beliefs especially with children. I wanted to go to church but my husband did not so sometimes I would take my boys. They did not like it because dad didn’t go. I go to Church alone now and it is lonely even though I have many friends there. My husband never wants to come. He is still agnostic. I know lots of mixed marriages like this. It is painful. My faith is the most important thing in my life now. Not being able to share it with my husband or to pray with him is so sad. Just want to share this with you so that you might really take the time to discern before making any permanent decisions.

Whoa. Yes see a Priest my child cause its sounds like your “relationship” is headed in the wrong direction. But don’t feel bad about yourself in a negative way. God loves you and your boyfriend.

We all sin, even the posters on this forum, I gotta tell ya its gonna be a difficult path for you in the next three years. Lots of temptations and the like. I’ll pray for ya.


Hon, I speak from experience.
Do the things you do and within a few days or weeks you will be further down the way of destruction than you ever wanted or planned to be. then your peoblem wont be confession but about living with what you have comitted against yourself and God.
A few weeks ago I was still saying no to any kind of touching from my non-religious boyfriend. I talked for hours to him about purity, while he said he could not control himself. Two weeks ago when he started to try to touch me for the 1000s time I gave in. I went to confession and felt horrible… and then one week ago I lost my virginity at the ripe age of 26… I have since then been in total disbelief at how this could happen. I have been suicidal in my mind… cried and cried and cried… and my bf is still talking about how he loves me and wants to spend his life with me… I look at him with empty eyes… He does not understand that what we did was WRONG and hurt me SO MUCH.
Do you want to join the club of young men and women that are crushed and broken by their own actions? because you are well on your way. And you will always regret the touching that you are now talking about… you will always remember it, and if you dont end marrying this guy you will know some purity was lost and you gave something you cant get back.
You cannot give anything away twice.
I am not saying this because I am jealously in love with purity but because I know how much pain and despair these sins cause.
One other thing… when a man failes to protect a woman’s virtue she starts to bear resentment against him… this is natural. at the same time, if sexual activity is going on, a bonding hormone is released in the brain so you feel more than ever that you cant leave this guy … so it becomes a messy love-hate relationship full of remorse and tears.
Chastity is whole or its not working. You gotta set the line now or you will end up like me. I had my boyfriend tear apart my pure love promise the next morning… PLEASE take on your ring again - chose God, your self and purity - and tell your bf that all this behaviour will stop now if he TRULY loves you.

Welcome back GraceDK where you have been all this time? :slight_smile:

This forum needs your knowledge. :blessyou:

Hey Sam…
I have been trying to bring the light of Christ to the Middle East, which is where I am now… but as you can see from my previous post I am not always a good evangelist.
I fell in love with an arabic boy… habibi… hehehehe…
I see you are still stocking me…
See you around :wink:

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