Sorry if this is a little too long
Little bit of background: I’m 17, cradle Catholic but only started taking my faith seriously a few months ago after doing some soul searching and becoming disgusted with who I was. Unfortunately I have gone a little too far and have developed some scrupulous tendencies.
Iv been trying to go to confession and get over my past sins and truly start living my faith but every time I do something that makes me doubt it’s validity. A few days ago I made a general confession that lasted almost an hour and a half and later that night realized I didn’t quantify my sins correctly (stating number) and I don’t know how to describe it but something just snapped, I became very angry, I have been trying so hard to become a better person and obtain God’s forgiveness but every time I mess up somehow and can’t feel at peace. Now I’m going to have to make my poor confessor listen to me again…he must secretly hate me. I felt like I should just give up and accept I’m not going to be redeemed, not because God can’t forgive me but because I can’t make a confession correctly.
Unfortunately instead of calming down I only got angrier, and began to quietly rant to myself about other struggles I have had with my faith. For example, I worry about people who have died without Last Rites or Confession. (One of my best friends died suddenly last week in his sleep, last year my Uncle was killed suddenly) I know we shouldn’t presume anyone’s fate but they almost certainly died in mortal sin, (my Uncle had been away from the church for some time and my friend wasn’t very devout) and we can connect the dots from there if we really believe in what the catechism says about dying in mortal sin. This made me incredibly angry. They were both amazing people, two of the best guys I knew, and according to my faith they are suffering for eternity. How is that right?!
Furthermore if you read about what the church teaches is grave matter then you can only conclude that upwards of 90% of people are on the proverbial “road to hell.” That reality is scarier and more horrific than any horror movie I can think of. Our world is full of so much suffering and for most people (probably myself included unless I miraculously can make a proper confession) it will just continue in the next life without end.
Anyway, as you can see this became a real rant of sorts, Today I’m calmer and want to try to pray but I really don’t know where to go from here spiritually. Seeing as I just ranted and raged at God I don’t really know what to do. I intend to speak to my priest about all this but I was just curious to see what the people here would have to say. I’d appreciate any advice or comments you might have.